By Guest Contributor Becky J.
This week we launch right into the lifestyle footage, which is a bit of a relief after the awful party where LeeAnne smashed the candle holder and Brandi accused Cary of being a slutty homewrecking nanny.
Stephanie is having her son’s private tutor over to work on alphabet. It’s cute. Kameron is planning her dog food launch, inappropriately (IMO) wearing fur upon fur. Big dog food crisis—it’s not the right shade of pink. The factory is working hard to correct this frightful indignity.
Stephanie meets Cary for wine and to make sure she feels supported, even though she kept her mouth shut when Brandi and LeeAnne were attacking her at the white party. Brandi brings a giant, gaudy bouquet full of dyed turkey feathers over to LeeAnne’s, presumably because that’s what you do when your pal has flesh eating bacteria (note to self). LeeAnne has her hair in pigtails. Between Margaret, Siggy and Dolores, Bravo has officially exceeded the maximum number of grown women allowed to wear pigtails on air this week.
Stephanie confronts Cary about saying she can’t be friends with she and Brandi. Cary explains the situation and what she was thinking. Then Cary calls Stephanie out for being too far up Brandi’s ass. Across town, LeeAnne pretends she never really had a problem with Stephanie, that Cary was the puppet master pulling the strings all along. I don’t buy it. It really just comes down to LeeAnne and Brandi feeling insecure—LeeAnne is upset that Brandi is friends with Stephanie and Cary again, Brandi is jealous that Stephanie got tight with Cary over the summer. High school called, they want their scenario back.
D’Andra is planning the production of her miracle anti-aging serum. The lady at the lab tells her the magic ingredient, L22, is not available for a month. The launch is supposed to be in two weeks. D’Andra is afraid her mom is going to ground her. Meanwhile, Kameron’s husband shelled out another $10K to re-do the dog food. The new sample comes in and she’s pleased. I think it looks exactly the color of skin, more flesh pink than bubblegum pink like she keeps saying, but maybe it’s just the lighting…
Kameron drives ALL the way to Plano to meet Brandi for lunch. Brandi drinks an entire martini while Kameron figures out how to parallel park. Brandi acts conciliatory, but then tells Kameron she has a stick up her ass. Kameron wants to invite Brandi to her dog food launch (every time I type that I think it sounds like a code for vomit) but wants to be sure she will behave. Brandi jokingly asks if the dildo is invited. Kameron says no. They have a couple drinks and decide to be faux friends.
The night of the Sparkle Dog launch party is here. Of course, all the real housedogs are invited to the party. They decided the mix the flesh pink dog food with brown kibble and it does look much pinker in contrast. I’m pretty sure Cary eats a piece of the dog food. Kameron’s dog/muse makes a grand entrance and Kameron makes a very stiff speech, looking more like a ridiculous Barbie than ever before.
There’s a dog psychic at the party. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence. This lady is giving D’Andra’s dogs a reading and it ends in tears. D’Andra is stressed about the L22 and it’s making her angst about her mom worse than usual.
LeeAnne tells the women she’s not inviting Cary and Mark to her engagement party. Huge shocker. Then she suddenly backtracks and decides to talk to Mark under the guise that Rich really likes him and wants her to invite them. I’m pretty sure Rich doesn’t give a fuck. LeeAnne approaches Mark. She tries to pretend that she’s an innocent little bride-to-be flower and Cary is a big nasty liar that may ruin her super special engagement party. It’s fucking ridiculous.
Mark finally confronts LeeAnne about the Round Up rumor. LeeAnne tries to justify this by saying Cary said Rich had a small penis. Such time warp bullshit. We all know the Round Up thing happened at LeeAnne’s doctor’s office prior to the surgery weeks before Cary made the penis joke in Mexico.
Mark asks why LeeAnne called his plastic surgery practice a “chop shop” and she says cuz Cary called her plastic surgeon a vagina doctor. Mark points out that her doc is not actually a plastic surgeon, but an OB. She calls this “semantics” which indicates that she’s actually a total idiot. Side note: My husband just came in and politely asked me why I’m yelling “FLESH EATING BACTERIA” at the TV. So, the scene ends with LeeAnne still inviting Cary and Mark to her party. As if she had a choice cuz it’s the finale party.
Meanwhile, Brandi and Cary are talking privately. Cary asks why Brandi is so mad and hit below the belt with the homewrecker nanny thing. Brandi doesn’t have a reason and is looking ugly and jealous. Brandi backs down and admits she was wrong. They eventually make up. So stupid.
I can’t believe it’s time for the season finale! What will be ever do without LeeAnne acting like a fucking psycho to make us feel sane and normal? Next week, LeeAnne’s engagement party. Stephanie gives Brandi an ultimatum about LeeAnne, D’Andra fights with her mom some more, then Brandi switches sides again and yells in LeeAnne’s face.