It’s that time again, boys and squirrels, after a long day of Sunday School and Worship services and trying to run over the stupid Methodists to get to the Red Lobster before there is a line, we finally are all nestled on the couch in the living room, laying on pillows on the floor, or in our Lazy E Boy chair ready for The Disney Sunday Night Movie! It’s almost time for Tinkerbell!
Oh wait. That was back when dinosaurs ruled the earth and Sunday shows were all family oriented. Instead, we have Shahs of Sunset where “friends” will scream at each other for an hour while bossing around the waitstaff. Um, yay?
At least we are going to NYC for a few episodes so the horrific fighting and alcohol poisoning will have a new backdrop. The misogynistic theme song has begun, so I’ll unzip this, you do the rest. Before we get to NYC we have to hear more of MJ saying the most vile things to Tommy in the drunken argument that is never going to end unless MJ somehow passes out. The next morning at 8:30 a.m. the camera crew is allegedly in their bedroom and MJ and Tommy and the stupid chihuahuas are a big pile of stink in the same bed. Tommy, every the peacemaker attempts make up with her, and by make up I mean have sex, and MJ isn’t having it. I’m secretly wishing that Josh, the winner of BB19, would suddenly bust into the room with pots and pans and circus music. Also why is there a candle burning? Passing out drunk with candles is no bueno. They are both in clothes. This whole scene was ridiculous enough before, MJ rolls over and tells Tommy that last night he was coming at her really hard. MJ is delusional. Completely out of touch with reality. In the light of day, they agree to be healthy.
But wait. Remember the walls that they just painted? MJ jumps out of bed and picks up the giant box of colored chalk she just happens to have handy for this scene and starts making a giant list of steps they need to take right on the freshly painted wall. I am not joking when I say that much like Kim Richards, MJ cannot even spell sobriety. /heavy sigh. The fact that they have to write down the need to stop drinking and smoking and get their shit together on any surface is a problem. MJ’s #1 on the list was parenting class. If this means another scenes with a fake crying baby I am not sure I can go on.
Mike goes to the divorce lawyer to sign the final papers for his divorce from Jessica. So much has happened since we started watching this show, two marriages, a divorce, a baby, it feels like we have spent a lifetime with these people. It seems like Jessica didn’t ask for anything. Mike really doesn’t have anything anyway. Both waive alimony. It’s pretty simple. Mike took it really hard because he knows he fucked up.
Off to NYC! The shahs have rented a super nice townhouse with a house concierge named Georgia. I’m in love with the townhouse. How soon can me an Banjo move in? Not as soon as the Patron starts to flow and the Asa bashing begins unfortunately. Reza starts it off by saying that Mike told him the rabbi they are going to go see tomorrow should redo their wedding so at least it will be done by an honest person. Did Asa walk off the show? We didn’t get her last week and she isn’t on the NYC trip. Is she yet another person who just doesn’t want to be around a bunch of terrible people? Why must they trash her even when she is not around? Golnesa and Adam stick up for Asa at least.
Shalom is not thrilled that Golnesa kisses another guy in the play. Golnesa apparently met Shalom on J-Date because she was looing for a Jew? I’m not sure I believe that. I am also not sure I believe that Shalom is leaving the townhouse and going home because he just found out Golnesa kisses someone in the play. This is all so staged. Or not. He is doing the whole hiding from the cameras things and tripping out hard. Mike tries to give GG relationship advice. He tells her she needs to ask herself, “Is my ego my amigo?” Shalom flips off all the cameras and dips. Mike goes and drags Shalom back in. Mike tells GG she needs to not do the play. She says Shalom has money he will take care of her. So, um, why is he asking for alimony from GG? I really can’t believe she took this hothead back. My theory is he is only back for the time that the show airs. This prick is being a horrible person on the very weekend he gets engaged to her And she said yes!
MJ and Reza counsel GG on her relationship. They suggest that she just lie to Shalom. Shalom apparently had no idea his family was disowning him for being with a non-Jew. Um, weren’t they fine with it on Dash Dolls? Do they even live in this country? Golnesa tries and fails to play the submissive girlfriend role with him and things get escalated because he won’t speak. The other fools just sit on the stairs listening to the fight eating Chinese food. Then Shalom leaves again. While everyone else gossips, Adam is the only one who goes to comfort GG. Adam is way too good for this show. Before GG goes to sleep, Shalom texts her to meet him to talk.
Then next morning, Reza goes around making some fucking noise he calls the Persian alarm clock. To wake him up. I’d introduce him to clocks by clocking him right upside his fat fucking face. Shalom is back in Golnesa’s bed. So how exactly did Shalom get the proposal on the marquee in Times Square in the hour between telling her to fuck off and he’s leaving and her meeting him in Times Square? And procure a gorgeous diamond. That fight was fake as fuck. The proposal was off camera. Maybe that is what Shalom wanted. To keep the cameras away.
Reza and Adam go to meet with a gay rabbi. He has actually done the surrogacy thing with his partner. He tells such a great story about how to talk to their kid about having to dads and other things. It was very moving and Reza and Adam both cry.
The next day everyone goes to one of my favorite parts of NYC. The diamond/gold district. I didn’t have a lot of money when I went there but I managed to buy three or four thin little gold bangles that I never take off. I later bought a giant very expensive one that I also never take off and those smaller ones have held up well banging against it all these years. I keep thinking it is time for a new one. MJ bought a Cartier watch from the market. She also buys Tommy a watch. Now I really want to go and look at the Cartier gold watches. I’d just need my Miami guy to fly up and let me know I was buying the real thing and negotiate the price. I’ve always been a really hard negotiator having grown up in the souks where prices fluctuation and you never pay the first price. Some of the few bits of Arabic I still remember well are “How much is this?” and “No thank you” as I walked away.
Later at dinner, Reza says when they get back they will have a winter party. The gang pushes Mike to try to get back together with Jessica. Why?
Next Week: Mike goes to see Jessica who apparently lives in NYC now and they supposedly hooked up. am not sure if I believe that or not. This was filmed last December and I think they were well past over at that point. He probably just took some HO to the HOtel. NTTAWWT.