By Guest Contributor Becky J.
I feel like I need a week-long detox after only seeing the last 10 minutes of Orange County tonight, so I hope Dallas is good.
It seems like we start every week on RHOD with a mommy montage. Cary is spending quality time with her sweet little girl, then Stephanie trying to brainwash her sweet little boys into telling her she’s pretty, then Brandi trying to prevent her demon spawn from smashing her in the face with pillows or killing themselves. I guess not all the kids can be adorable. I don’t get how she thinks she needs to add a baby boy to her chaotic familial equation…
Oh great. Now we’re at a LeeAnne-o-centric public speaking charity event. Already! Fuck me in every part of my skull. The topic of her speech is “overcoming obstacles” and there is of vapid voice-over about how she’s learning so much in therapy this year. Her speech is about how inside she’s a sad little carny from a broken home and she just wants people to like her. It’s designed to provide a blanket excuse for her bad behaviors for those who didn’t watch last season or forgot her backstory.
The only gem here is that we find out D’Andra’s ball buster mom divorced her alcoholic dad when she was little and she relates with LeeAnne on that level. I feel like that’s an important tidbit to help us understand D’Andra. I like how candid she seems about her life. Unlike that plastic person named Kameron who is basically just a Barbie with pink dog food inside.
Now we’re at Brandi’s house of tiny red-headed horrors. She’s clutching an aluminum to-go cup like her life depends on it. In my mind it contains straight whiskey. She has a “camera-sation” with her little girls about having a baby brother. Then, in her private interview, she relates a hilarious story about how she left her husband home alone with one of the girls at the age of nine months and came home to find the baby choking on dog food. Yeah, they should keep breeding.
And we’re back at LeeAnne’s event. Here comes a big sweaty, jittery guy named Jay. I don’t recall him from previous episodes, but he is Turnt. Up. Tonight. He spends about three seconds congratulating LeeAnne on her inspirational, uplifting speech and then they dive into the gutter where they’re comfortable. Jay brings up Cary, insinuating that she’s a c-word and claiming that she has it out for LeeAnne. I’m confused. Last time I checked Cary was just trying to raise her kid and deal with her crazy fuck nightmare of a husband. The only time she talks shit about LeeAnne is when she acts like shit. Which is pretty much always. How is Cary the cunty one here?
D’Andra and I are on the same page because she breaks her shoe off in LeeAnne’s ass. She says she’s had it with LeeAnne being a hypocrite who gives a motivational speech one minute and then starts trash-talking friends the next. Thank you D’Andra! So, her solution is an “Honestea” where all the women are invited to her house to drink tea and get honest with each other. Well, this is gonna be a shit show. Married to Medicine lemon squeeze anyone? Sorry, my brain is full of Bravo deep cuts and B sides.
Cary and Mark are hosting Kameron and Court for dinner. Mark is cooking. He’s a fabulous gourmet chef/plastic surgeon/fashion stylist. He’s just not much of a dad. He’s pissed at Cary for not getting Zuri out of the house. He’s preoccupied with the fact she isn’t eating the lobster and tells Cary she has to eat whatever Zuri won’t eat. WTF? Sure, it probably made more sense to not have Zuri there because the other couple (who probably have 2 live-in nannies that speak 8 languages) didn’t bring their kids, but get over it! After dinner, Mark and Cary fight. She makes him clean up alone, which is completely fair since he has no soul.
I wish I could skip over this next part. LeeAnne and Rich are going on a date to the state fair. She speaks in a disgusting baby-talk voice to him and it makes me want to vomit. They play carnival games. LeeAnne uses her carny superpowers to win several giant, toxic, made in China stuffed animals. They play a balloon popping game and SURPRISE! the prize is a previously-planted engagement ring for LeeAnne.
It seems suspicious to me that he trusted the ring with the carny folk. Also fishy that LeeAnne just happened to choose that game and pop that exact balloon. Either Rich has been to a bunch of carnivals with her and is very familiar with her carny habits (entirely plausible, considering) or the whole thing was staged. He seems so sweet and sincere, that I almost forget that LeeAnne is horrible. Almost.
It’s time for the “Honestea” and LeeAnne isn’t wearing her engagement ring. She tells Rich that she doesn’t want to answer questions about the wedding yet. O-kay. Stephanie, Cary and Brandi pre-funk. Cary tells Brandi Kameron doesn’t like her because she doesn’t live in Highland Park. Now Brandi is already fired up. Kameron has a problem with Brandi’s white limo and her skirt being too short. That bitch needs a cucumber knuckle sandwich with the crusts cut off. Brandi brought Kameron a shiny pink gift bag with the Jack Daniels just like the one she gave Cary and Stephanie at Zuri’s party. Kameron isn’t going to let it go.
Instead of accepting the gesture gracefully, Kameron points out that Brandi is doing the exact same thing she did at Zuri’s party by excluding everyone else from the gifting. Brandi is exasperated and says she feels like she’s already apologized twice. Kameron says when? Brandi says once at the party and once when I gave you the FUCKING gift. Of course, Kameron acts all offended that Brandi said fuck. Brandi stomps off. There is an awkward scene where Stephanie and LeeAnne are both trying to get Brandi to go back to the party. It’s a very dysfunctional love triangle and Kameron’s maid just got a free bottle of Jack.
The “honestea” calls for everybody to write down questions and answer honestly. D’Andra (whose hat is another total fashion miss) has a gavel and she is the judge. It’s fucking weird for a bunch of adult women to be doing this. The first question is for Brandi: Why do you act like you like LeeAnne when you don’t? She denies saying she doesn’t like LeeAnne and Cary owns up to submitting this question based on a conversation they had in Memphis where Brandi admitted she thought LeeAnne would be talking shit about them while they were gone. Shady of Cary to be bringing this up. She’s stirring the pot with Brandi a bit today.
Brandi denies saying she doesn’t like LeeAnne, then launches into a story about how she was at a charity event and another randomly shit-talking guy friend of LeeAnne’s (Jared) told her LeeAnne didn’t really like her. LeeAnne’s like WTF, why didn’t you call to talk to me about it and also lots of people say lots of things. Cary is like no they don’t; people never tell me my friends don’t like me. Then Brandi says that Jared also told her Cary’s husband Mark is 100% gay. Now Cary is mad and she’s blaming LeeAnne for having an army of gossipy twits around town. This doesn’t really make sense cuz this Jared guy was talking shit about both of them, but oh hell.
My head hurts from the stupidity of all these layers of treachery disguised as friendship. Also, I can only handle one fake gay husband storyline at a time and Eddie and Tamra already have dibs. I just wish these women would stop getting so upset when people call their husbands gay.
It just gets worse from there. Apparently LeeAnne is having a major surgery soon. Somebody asks he why she’s having a vagina doctor do her breast surgery. LeeAnne says her doc is a breast/vagina plastic surgeon who is triple board certified. Cary calls bullshit on this. LeeAnne gets all crazy and calls Cary a cunt who thinks she’s smart because she’s a (air quotes) “registered nurse” which just confirms the fact that LeeAnne is, in fact, a total idiot.
Meanwhile, D’Andra is ringing a bell and banging her gavel as if they are going to listen to her. Ha! During the next quiet spell, D’Andra asks why Stephanie didn’t kick LeeAnne out of her Halloween party for the two-face outfit. Stephanie said she didn’t want to give LeeAnne the satisfaction and she thought it was stupid for LeeAnne to jump in the middle of her feud with Brandi. Valid points. Next thing you know, LeeAnne is crying, saying her mom didn’t want her and trying to make everyone feel horrible. It’s IN-sane.
Everybody is annoyed by LeeAnne except Brandi, who falls for it. They hug and cry and Cary’s arm is stuck in the middle of their embrace. Gross. Then, the next question is what’s your fav vacation spot. It’s really just a weak transition into the group trip to Mexico, which will start next week.
Also next week: LeeAnne has surgery and Brandi prays with her, then FaceTimes Cary to tell her LeeAnne is coming for her. LeeAnne makes a bunch of violent threats off-camera but on mic behind a wooden door. Then they all get on a plane together and head to South America. Ohhh shit.