Below Deck: It Ain’t Easy Being Green

Tonight’s episode begins with an announcement that the show filmed in St. Martin which was pretty much wiped off the map by Irma. We have at least one commenter who last we heard was still there. We’re all sending her our thoughts and prayers.

When we return to the island lunch we have both of the new stews on service. They seem to really enjoy the guests and Brianna says they are way more laid back than she expected adrenaline junkies to be. Somehow this leaves Kate with a mound of laundry in the laundry room. This pleases me to me to no end.

The seabobs needs a PIN number for the ignition to turn over. Baker is a moron. All she needs to do is radio, Nico and ask him for the number. But she acts like she needs to take the whole thing apart or something. Brianna apparently sprained her wrist when she got into the boat. The crew can’t get the tether back to the boat. Kate is already asking for another stew. She will get one because Captain Lee loves her and it’s clearly in the script. Captain Lee wraps Brianna’s wrist. We are already down to 2.5 stews. 

Bruno, who I would like to do nasty things to, is learning how to tie knots. I think I can work that into my lecherous agenda with him just fine.

Captain Lee is not nearly as fond of Bruno, or any of the deck crew as I am. He’s already made calls to the travel agency to have tickets on standby. He is watching them from the deck at all times until he can figure out how to get them out of there. Please keep Bruno, Captain Lee!

Chef Matt has managed to tame Kate. That’s quite the feat. She is eating out of his hand. Literally. How long do you think this will last? Chef Matt appears to be a saint. Apparently, Chris Brown is as annoying AF and has nothing better to do that rattle off his entire life history in the galley while Chef is trying to cook.

Captain Lee calls up Kate for a pow wow to discuss the crew issues. I feel like Brianna is on the chopping block. Apparently not yet. Captain Lee says when these guests leave he will hire day workers to clean to boat so that she can run a mini course with the two girls on things like how to clean a toilet and how to put dirty laundry into a washing machine.

Captain Lee tells Nico that Bruno and Chris Brown are not to be anywhere near the lines when they dock. Apparently, he hasn’t met Baker yet. She’s just as bad. But it is going to be Baker and the two real deck crew members and Nico docking the boat. Nico is upset because the crew is a reflection on him. Bruno is pissed that Nico said he is very slow to catch on.

It takes Jen seven minutes to serve a cup of tea. The water is already hot and right next to the tea bags.

Nico is bunking with Chef Matt. Late at night Nico can’t sleep. When Matt checks on him, he tells him that his brother just passed away a couple of months ago. He was 21 and he fell off a balcony. It was such a sad story I didn’t even write about it. It happened last November when there were tons of bad things happening.

I can’t believe that neither the trailer or the promo for this episode had the guests preparing to go down the giant water slide in an inflatable sumo wrestler outfit. It’s pretty hilarious. Actually, they just jumped overboard in them and tried to paddle board.

Captain Lee doesn’t want to dock with the guests on board so he is sending them off on tender. These were the best Below Decks guests ever.

Bruno is being a cry baby. He needs more positive affirmations. He is not going to make the second charter. Baker did a great job with the lines during docking. All went well.

At the tip meeting Captain Lee laid into the crew. He threatens them that if doesn’t see solid improvement there will be repercussions. The guests left $15k, which is just over $1,300 a piece. My boy Bruno sees this as recognition for his hard work. Oh, Bruno, you are not cut out for this line of work. Kate thinks the crew should give her a portion of their tip.

Chris Brown says he was celibate for 26 years because he was a Christian. Now he belongs to the Church of Horndog.

The scene is being set for Nico and Brianna to hook up. This is a bad idea because Nico has a girlfriend. Nico is trying to be  a good boyfriend but he feigns a bad connection when she asks him if there is a girl on this season. He sort of tried to hook up with Emily last time when he was drunk.

When the crew goes out for drinks, Brianna sits next to Nico and asks him to let her know if she has any nip slips. She says she respects that Nico has a girlfriend but I see no evidence of that. Chris Brown is in love with “Bri” already and he is pissed that he is sitting so far away from her. There is a reason for that Chris Brown.  Matt is 31. How did I get so old that 31 is robbing the cradle. Chris Brown never shuts the fuck up. He may be opening that tequila bar in Sweden soon than he thinks.

Meanwhile, Brianna reminds Nico of their one drunken taxi ride together in Barcelona. She says she left him and they went their separate ways. He agrees. He has already said he has no recollection at all of the evening or where they ended up. There is a lot of heavy flirting and sexual chemistry.

Speaking of sexual chemistry, it looks like Jen and Matt may hook up. But before we get to that, Jen tells Nico that she can make herself cum on command. She may or may not be doing it at the dinner table. She does not need to touch herself. I did not need to know this information. She has mentioned numerous times on this episode how sexually frustrated she is. She needs to relieve poor Chris Brown who suffers from the same malady and leave the hot Canookian for whoever replaces Brianna.

Wait, Matt is a totally different guy when he drinks. He is a lot more like Chris Brown and probably is also a member of the Church of Horndog. He seems to be yet another deckhand in line for Brianna. Only Bruno seems untouched by Brianna’s many charms. I was wrong about Matt and Jen, at least for now. Matt took his drunk ass to his bunk where he looked as Instagrams of girls with big asses.  Oh, Matt.

Chris Brown is on Brianna like white on rice and is drunkenly talking about Matt and how good-looking he his and listing his attributes. Great game, horndog. Brianna responds by asking Chris Brown if he “goes that way.” He says he’s not gay. Brianna gives him a charity hug and goes to bed.

The next day everyone is hungover AF. Mostly, Chris Brown who goes back to bed.

Next week, we get the stews trained and a new crew on board. Looks like gay guys who are bitchy. This should be fun.