Real Housewives of Auckland: You Drive Me Crazy

By Kimberly, Our New Zealand Guest Correspondent

We start in Christchurch with Angela. Why does this woman get so much air time? Who is she sleeping with? She has no storyline. But here we are, power walking with her middle daughter. Finally! A scene with someone who isn’t Lea the French PA. Eva asks Angela to be available for at least one of several dances she’s got this year. She wants Angela to do it instead of her dad. What? Maybe she’s just asking for Mom to be around. Eva goes on to say you can’t be on your phone the whole time.

Angela says she asks her children be home for dinner when she’s in town. Her other two daughters are there but Eva got a pass. She asks what’s been going on and gets sullen silence. Don’t think things are too good with these two. Oh, and Angela isn’t eating, just the daughters. So Angela says if she had her way she would be around all the time. The girls quickly put her in her place with the oldest saying “I don’t even care Mum,” and the youngest stating “It’s just how it is.” Angela looks blankly at her offspring and obviously doesn’t understand what they’re conveying. The youngest addresses the consternation on Angela’s face by saying, “It’s not our fault that we don’t see you. Sorry I don’t know what to say.” Incredulously Angela asks, “Are you saying it’s MY fault?” Her oldest, Isabella, looks askance at her and the two siblings share an inside giggle at their mother’s expense. Angela is convinced it’s all okay as after all she’s still their Mum. Wow. She has zero confidence as a mother OR she was seriously coaching them with her eyes on the dialog. Either way. Weird.

Angela says she’s had to commute between Auckland and Christchurch to keep her business alive because of the earthquakes. The last earthquakes which caused some devastation in Christchurch were in 2011. That was five years ago. She’s just saving her business now? I’m sympathetic to people who suffered but to see her crocodile tears looking like she’s constipated as she pushes them out crying over earthquakes five years old is just, well I just can’t.

Anne is introducing her nephew Rowan to Julia and and her daughter Ella. Anne tells Rowan she used to trade mandarins for kisses with a little boy across the road. Rowan pipes up and says, “From what I understand you traded a lot of kisses with boys.” Rowan is cute. Very funny. Apparently Rowan and Ella are a few months apart yet Ella looks 18 to his 12. Poor Rowan. I think Julia and Anne were matchmaking but Rowan has a girlfriend who he’s texting “I love you” while left at table with Ella.

Angela goes to Louise’s house to show her Being Real book. Angela is a slut, allegedly. Every episode from the first one she’s managed to get her job interjected into a storyline. I have never seen any housewife accomplish this other than Bethenny Frankel. So Angela is a slut for camera time and doesn’t care who she’s gotta kiss to get it, allegedly. Under the guise of getting Louise’s opinion or advice on this book, Angela really wants to teach Louise with her book. As Angela states, she just might learn a few things. Per Angela, this book Being Real is all about being open. Yes, so open she’s going to ambush Louise by trying to teach her something. Way to be real, Ange. Louise asks Angela,”How do you keep it real for the average woman when you look like you do and you photograph like that [referring to pictures in the book]?” Angela replies, “Because I have to keep it real.” And she was deadpan serious. Ok.

Angela goes into this long diatribe about dead people and living people. Dead people are like the lightbulb has been turned off, the living it’s on. Then she equates this with looking after your spirituality, not posthumously but in the here and now, by slowing down, “Taking one foot off the treadmill.” This from a woman who has recently started commuting between two major cities. Yep she’s keeping it real all right. Real freaky. Louise says, “Let’s face it. If you take one foot off the treadmill, you’re going to fly back and hit your head and maybe this has already happened!” Bahaaaa! I’m loving Louise! As Angela is patting herself on the back for her pontificating, Louise says, “I have a bit of a problem with navel gazing.”  Bahaaaa! This is too funny! Now Angela doesn’t know the term “navel gazing.” Bahaaa! She googles it! Bahaaa! Once she reads the definition, she states, “It’s not about being self indulgent.” Bahaaa! I can’t stop! Louise explains to Angela she knows who she is and what she’s about and is very self aware. Angela says Louise’s problem is “she doesn’t want to look at herself.” Seriously, Angela must’ve just comically fell into every opportunity in life to get where she is today on a TV reality show giving me a good laugh. For someone so proficient at navel gazing she is oh so gloriously unaware. Louise is tired of Angela’s bullshit and is going to ask some hard questions.

Louise: Did you write this for you or for other women?

Angela: For other woman. I’ve done this to give them ideas about how they can look and feel more beautiful about themselves. So you don’t need other people’s projections to almost destroy you.

Louise: When you say “what you’ve gone through” in your life, what have you gone through?

We learn Angela has a twin and was left with her grandmother at the age of two. Currently her twin brother is missing. Of course as a twin she feels broken. Ok, so they cut a lot of stuff Angela has said apparently because what we hear basically is what I’ve stated that she feels a gap in her life with no mother or father and her twin is missing. Now I’m not saying she hasn’t been through some stuff but if we go on what was edited I for one have been through WAY more shit than that. So there was heavy editing here. Even Louise admits she wouldn’t have come out of what Angela has been through as well as she has done. Ok, so this explains a lot of Angela’s propensity for the crazy. Maybe crazy got her through whatever it was that is now on the editing room floor or in the vault to be trotted out on a reunion show. HOWEVER! I don’t discount Angela just might be sucking us in with the tears. Just be on your toes. What’s worse than crazy? Crazy smart!

Anne has been invited to an art class by Gilda. Gilda left out it was drawing live models. Anne was shocked, not knowing where to look. Anne says, “I have no problem with the naked male form at all but I prefer it on a personal intimate basis versus having it flaunted in front of me.” Apparently Ben the life model is well hung.

Once again we are back with Angela. How does this happen? Kirk, her boyfriend, lives in Wellington. So between these cities just how does Angela manage to be a Mom? Her oldest is only 18. She’s been dating Kirk for two years long distance. Ok, has she pulled a Kenya Moore and paid someone? Because if I was long distance and saw my man since however long I would be all over him. Not some chaste kiss and goofy giggle. They have jazz music while these two feed each other. {{gag}} Too cheesy. You know it happens so many times it’s hard to mention but Angela will drop these little zingers in her conversations mainly in sidebars. This time is was a reference to “building my empire.” You just gotta chuckle just a little. I think Kirk is setting Ange up for a dump. He says it’s hard to travel between two cities and see his friends. A man who wants to see his friends more is code for I’ve found someone else. Angela pretty much sees the writing on the wall, I’m thinking. Suddenly the dinner is quiet! No cheesy stuff now! Well, even if she’s a little loopy gotta hurt for her a little.

Gilda has set up a day out driving race cars. Julia is convinced she will have the fastest lap time. Louise wants win badly. Anne is driving like a nana so much the guy riding with her was yelling, “Go!Go!” She’s not willing to risk life and limb. She doesn’t care. Michelle is next and does the track in just under 2 minutes. Angela gets in the car and starts of this epic bio of herself with her co driver with regard to ALL her accomplishments to which you can see he is just NOT interested. Drive lady! Just drive! Once she quits navel gazing with her co driver, she does the track in just under 1.40 minutes. Julia comes in at 1.33 minutes. Gilda comes in just a second under Julia at 1.32 minutes. Louise is last and comes in at 1.29 and wins. She’s chuffed. Julia is annoyed Louise won or, more accurately, beat her.

Louise comments on how the women say they’re not competitive but yet they are SO much so. Angela picks this moment to say Gilda was competitive because she decided to launch her book at the same time as Angela’s. Gilda thinks she’s stupid because launching a book is more than a whim. I agree with Gilda. Kirk has decided not to come to her book launch. So yes she got dumped over dinner. Haven’t heard from him since. Angela claims he’s walked out on her at least a dozen times this year. I get Angela doesn’t have a good relationship with Kirk but somehow you wonder if she’s looking for sympathy. We’ll have to wait and see.

Next time: Battle of the book launches