Last week, baby Monroe made her debut into the world on national TV. We pick up the next day with the two dads freaked out over the reality that they have a kid now. Because I move around and travel a lot, I never really had pets. Then one summer after I had just arrived home from a trip to Romania, I went to meet my sister at the courthouse because she was going through a divorce. We had a nice lunch and then when I returned home, I noticed my laptop was not on the couch. Some idiots had broken into my house and stolen a few pieces of jewelry and who knows what else. So I decided I needed a dog. I saw Banjo in the pound and then came home to stress about the decision for a day or two. Then I went back and got him. As I left the shelter, I suddenly felt this weight of responsibility. Oh, I also cried filling out the paperwork, which apparently isn’t normal because all the shelter ladies came over and were telling everyone it was my first dog. Banjo is the reason my diet changed. I would only buy him the best and most expensive food, so then I decided I should probably take better care of myself. I remember when we got to the car, he did not want to go in and some guy with dog treats had to come help me out. It felt like a lot and I was worried I’d manage to kill the dog somehow. I can only imagine what it must feel like for someone to hand you are real live human child. I think I would be just as terrified as Jeff seems to be.
Alexandra was allowed to hold the baby and bid her farewell. That had to be excruciatingly hard for her.
Eventually, that take the perfect little Monroe on her first plane ride, a private plane of course, and she sleeps through the entire trip.
For the next three months, there was no filming allowed to give the little family time to bond. Then they drop us back in to the chaos. There have been a lot of changes in personnel. Vanina and Taylor both quit. Gage is micromanaging the nannies so many of them have left as well. Everything seems a bit chaotic. Monroe has screamed for the past three months. She has acid reflux and colic. The screaming is terrifying. Jeff says her cry sounds like she is being murdered. He’s right. It’s a scary cry.
Taylor, the former office assistant sent a very long review via email to Jeff and Gage regarding his first 90 days of employment. I’m pretty sure that 90 day reviews are done on the employee by the boss. Taylor seems not to comprehend that little fact nugget. Jeff fired him via email. Taylor then responded with a go fuck yourself email in which he said he felt sorry for Monroe having to grow up in that environment. Sadly my DVR farted during some of the reading of that email.
Jeff, Jenni and Meghan Weaver and her big beaver go to Newport Beach to meet with their client, Heather. Jeff seems really bossy. Not his regular bossy, but a mile beyond that. Heather is pissed off.
What the hell is a 4-D ultrasound? When did we discover a fourth dimension? This is concept is worse than that time someone decided not to let Pluto be a planet anymore.
You know what else is dumb? Buying the second house in Hollywood when the first house next door had so many issues. Also dumb, bringing a baby into a construction zone. So the plan is to move out of Valley Vista and into a completed house. Oh wait. No it isn’t. The plan is to move out of Valley Vista and into Old Hollywood which is kind of but not really move in ready and right next door to the full on construction site they call New Hollywood. Am I missing something here?
With all of Monroe’s screaming, I think they are reaching the point where they at least for a split second consider taking the dog back to the pound. This feeling will pass. Eventually. However, this baby’s screams are causing me anxiety and it’s just on my TV. It’s not crying, it is blood curdling screaming.
Jeff and Gage are fighting a lot. Gage is the primary care giver. He can’t get any work done. He feels like a prisoner in his own house. He thinks he has postpartum depression. He needs a break, but Jeff doesn’t seem to be giving him any.
Jeff and Jenni drive to a site in Malibu and manage to lock their keys and phones inside the house. Thankfully there is a spare key hidden in the garage. Clearly everyone is on edge.
Back at Valley Vista, the nanny has walked off the job. Gage and Jeff are having a very passive aggressive fight in scary, calm voices. Jeff said when he heard that Janet Jackson left her husband three months after having a baby he totally understood. Jeff was ready to bail and just leave the country after two weeks. Jeff seems medicated. He’s speaking in a very subdued voice and is creeping me out. He’s also ready to quit on his client, Heather. There appears to be no aspect of their lives that is working properly.
Meghan Weaver with the big beaver hits the nail on the head. Monroe’s cries seem like a baby velociraptor. If the baby velociraptor was getting eaten by a T-Rex at the time.
While waiting for Heather to meet them, Meghan gets a call from her daughter at school. She needs her to come pick her up. Unfortunately, she can’t do that because they are in Newport Beach. He daughter, who is 11 years old, got her period for the first time. The drama never quits. Jeff modifies his involvement with the remainder of Heather’s house a bit because they are constantly butting heads.
In a particularly unpleasant argument between Jeff and Gage in the car, Jeff asks what things Gage feels he can delegate. He asks Jeff to take on the 7 am feeding now that feedings have gotten easier. Jeff Flips Out and says if Gage doesn’t feed the baby in the morning, then what the hell is he doing to contribute? Um, does he mean besides EVERYTHING? Jeff doesn’t even know how to take the car seat out of the car. Jeff says Gage is spoiled and entitled and contributes nothing and Jeff pays all the bills. If I were Gage, I would have pulled the car over. Gotten out, walked away. Called an Uber and left town for a month so that Jeff could see what exactly he was contributing.
Next week: Jeff does some work for Lea Black. Jeff talks to his therapist about his fantasies about divorce.