Real Housewives of Auckland: Hit Me With Your Best Shot

By Kimberly, Our New Zealand Guest Correspondent 

We’re back from the Port Douglas trip with Michelle at her home with another animal segment. She’s complaining about her dog Marley who misbehaves incessantly. Again, animals KNOW and they’re telling us. She cringes when she gets slobber on her it’s hilarious! Love that dog. She’s his straight man. She called in Doggy Dan to train Marley. Doggy Dan actually goes by that name not just Dan. He’s a 30 something cutie with curly mop of hair. She thinks he’s cute. As Doggy Dan introduces himself she retorts she’s Missionary Michelle. Flirting very inappropriately for a married woman.

He says he will just call her Michelle. Doggy Dan starts off by saying dogs are mirrors of their owners. Well if that’s true I’m an intelligent rebel with some territorial aggression if we go by my dog Trouble. He’s happy go lucky but you better have his permission to be in his ‘place’. Yep, we ARE alike. Marley acts like a proper dog with Doggy Dan showing Michelle to be totally incompetent and a liar about Marley. Cracking me up! Doggy Dan is telling her Marley can feel love and to connect with the dog when he’s calm. She’s looking at Doggy Dan like he grew a third eye right in the middle of his forehead. This woman must be COLD. Doggy Dan suggests she stroke the dog vs an abrupt pat. She counters by saying she’d rather stroke Doggy Dan. Don’t think Doggy Dan is impressed. If Doggy Dan has a girlfriend she’s not going to be impressed either. After filming wrapped, she put her house on the market.

Gilda shows up during this lesson. First thing out of Michelle’s mouth is how cute is Doggy Dan. Gilda says he’s not her cup of tea. Gilda says Doggy Dan should just move in and manage the dog. Doggy Dan says he noticed the pool house and gym implying he’d be up for it. Michelle flirts more saying she noticed he works out. So after all this Doggy Dan HUGS Michelle goodbye to which she embraces him and strokes his back. Doggy Dan likes this. Guess Doggy Dan has no significant other. Naturally Michelle thinks she –I mean Marley–needs Doggy Dan to visit more to learn more tricks. Michelle is now exhausted. Gilda and Michelle start in on Julia and how they just need to move on. God I hate that phrase ‘Let’s just move on’. Every franchise uses this phrase. Totally meaningless.

Louise and Angela go for a cup of tea after an audition Louise had earlier. Louise confides she really wants this part as she’s not had many auditions in the last three years. Naturally Angela has the answer. Spray for Louise’s aura. Yep it’s going to fix everything. Wipe it around you in the air, breathe it in, put it on your hands and VOILA! – everything’s peachy. Louise thinks it’s a load if crap but she goes along to get along. Louise says at her age she doesn’t feel the need to be loved by everybody. She says people who have this trait have a weakness. Shade to Angela. I get the feeling she doesn’t really care for Angela. Not a horrible dislike just someone she wouldn’t normally choose to associate with. Later, Louise finds out she got down to the final two and lost out on the part. She is very disappointed but not dwelling on it.

Anne and Julia are feeding pussys at the Pussy Palace and also look after the Parnell Pussys. This means she regularly goes around to set feeding stations to basically feed homeless and probably not so homeless cats. So they park in a back alley behind a bush. Anne cleans their dishes and fills up two dishes with wet and dry food. Then they’re off to some cliff with tall grass where they do the same again. Then they go to what seems like a park where there is a fenced in part with little cat houses and they fluff the covers and leave food. This is some extreme cat lady stuff.

Julia tells Anne she wants to invite everyone clay shooting. Anne frowns on this because even though you’re not actually killing something it’s like your practicing to do so. This is an ironic statement from a woman who loves her fur coats.

We’re off to shooting. Julia is keen once more to show off for her peers. Anne refuses to participate in the shooting. Louise loves shooting. This is my kinda thing to do. Must say I always found going to the range therapeutic. Of course Michelle is all drama about being around Julia and guns because of course when people word vomit inappropriate remarks it automatically makes them a gun-toting murder. Michelle says she’s not shooting either. Julia claims to be good at this but doesn’t seem to shoulder the gun well. Angela turned out to be a crack shot. Put Julia in the dirt. Julia does get better with practice. The four girls who do shoot (Louise, Angela, Gilda and Julia) get extremely competitive. Gilda won. Louise second with Julia and Angela tied for third. Michelle and Anne take off and leave them to it. I’m surprised at their gusto in a country of strict gun laws.

Louise brings up the fact Anne wears fur but doesn’t approve of shooting. Michelle states Anne likes to wear fur as she’s got five or six coats. Anne says she hates it. Okay…  Louise then points out she’s wearing fur. Anne thinks this is fine because it’s fox and fox would be killed anyway. Deluded cat lady for sure. Michelle rags out Julia for enjoying shooting.

Angela now pipes up banging her own drum about ‘being real’. Louise isn’t impressed. Like Angela is flaky. Yep. For sure. When asked what the book is about she literally says ‘it’s a self-help book about being real. Getting real.’ The she goes on to say ‘I think the girls are actually starting to understand me. Being Real is about being real. Who are you are presenting. I think they’re a little bit nervous about what they might find out about themselves when they read this book.’

It’s then brought up Gilda has written a book. This pisses Angela off as her thunder was stolen and now they weren’t talking about her. Her book launch is not going to be boring. They want a signature drink for the launch. Gilda’s MC for the launch, Mark, wants it named Uranus for obvious reasons. They’re shown a whiskey that’s been to space and therefore rates a $100 a shot. Not that impressed when Rémy Martin Louis XIII Cognac is $500+ a shot and never been above 30,000 feet. So this whiskey is $2300 a bottle and they’ll take 10.  Gilda wants flowers in the shape of the solar system. Her budget is nonexistent and it’s before Angela’s book launch so the MC Mark wants to upstage Angela’s launch.

Angela is shooting the cover of her book. Her quirky spiritual healer Karen is there along with he PA Lea’. They’ve rented someone’s house to do this cover. Whoever did her hair did a good job. The stylists for the shoot were Kim and Kayne’s stylists and did NOT want to be there. She ends up in the bathtub naked doing the cover. This bathroom is amazing! It’s even got a sauna in it. Want one!

Next week: Angela gets the boot from Kurt her boyfriend.