I have to admit I’m a little surprised Jax & Brittany Take Kentucky hasn’t been cancelled yet. Jax and Brittany are as interesting as a bologna sandwich. With mayo. On white bread. You know it’s true. Plus, the whole show is built around one lame joke (Jax tries to do farm activities and fails). No matter how hard Brittany and her family laugh about it, it never gets funny. Sigh. The saddest part of the whole thing is no matter how much I hate it, I know I’m going to watch. So until Bravo saves me from myself, let’s dive into episode two of Jax & Brittany Take Kentucky. It can’t get any worse than last week, right?
We start where we left off, with Jax drunkenly telling Tan Mom and Mamaw that he’s designing an engagement ring for Brittany. Tan Mom is beside herself. Her daughter, the spawn of her womb, is going to marry a gen-u-ine celebrity! All of her dreams for Brittany are finally coming true. Meanwhile, Jax admits to us that the ring doesn’t actually mean he’s proposing. Way to commit, dude. But he’s fooled the family, and that’s what counts. The adults head home so Tan Mom can add a wedding spread in In Touch to her vision board, leaving the young ‘uns to tear it up at the bonfire. And they proceed to get smashed, Mamaw’s no alcohol rule be damned. All of Brittany’s unwed mother friends cheer, “Here’s to snakes and condoms, two things we don’t fuck with!” Cuz they’re good girls.
The next day, Brittany and Jax try to hide their hangovers from Mamaw but they can’t get anything past her. She demands to know who brought the alcohol. Jax’s lying skills are clearly slipping because his acting belongs on a middle school stage. So he punts the question to Brittany who has way more experience lying to her family. She blames it on friends who didn’t know better, even though she planned the whole thing. Hmm, precious Brittany’s mask is slipping a bit. She bats her eyelashes, promises it will never happen again (wink, wink) and they’re off to feed the cows.
Jax is fascinated that everyone purports to be so religious yet they’re all having kids out of wedlock. He asks Brittany’s sister about her experience and it gets awkward. This isn’t the kind of thing people like to discuss, especially on camera. After some nervous laughter, she tells him that Papaw made the family rally around her but Tan Mom put Brittany on birth control right away to make sure it didn’t happen again. Brittany offers to take her nephews out to dinner. I’m sure this isn’t a scripted moment to laugh at Jax taking care of kids. Sigh.
Jax Facetimes Tom Schwartz to recap all of his misadventures. It makes me miss Vanderpump Rules all the more. Jax and Brittany just aren’t entertaining enough to carry their own show. Sad but true.
Jax and Brittany head out to Applebee’s with her nephews. The younger one asks Jax what he likes about Brittany. “Her big boobs.” Brittany thinks it’s funny. Then the young one says he knows what Jax likes: her feet. Brittany laughs hysterically. I don’t think I have the same sense of humor as Brittany.
Then they head to Brittany’s dad Don’s house. Don tells Jax he has to pick up frogs from a big bucket. You know, because it’s “funny.” Don actually films it so he can relive the hilarity over and over. Sigh. Jax gets grossed out and Brittany jumps in to help. Everyone laughs and laughs. So funny! Don pulls Jax aside for a man to man talk. He wants to know about his and Brit’s future. Jax claims he wants to marry her but she’s losing her Brittany spark. He lists all the things he does for her (ie: paying her rent) but she’s still depressed. And he can’t ask her to marry him until they fix this problem. The whole time Don looks truly disgusted. But instead of telling Jax what an idiot he is, Don’s only concern is that Jax is leading Brittany on. Why are these people so desperate to marry their daughter off that they’d encourage this sick relationship? I really don’t get it.
Next week: At a fundraising auction, Jax announces that he’ll match every dollar raised. As the bids go higher, so does his blood pressure. Then Jax tells anyone who will listen that Brittany is losing her spark. And he gets into a huge fight with her best friend. I can’t wait.