It’s episode two of the Real Housewives of Auckland trip to Port Douglas. They’ve hired a boat for the day so we get to see some of Australia’s gorgeous coastline. We begin with Louise and Anne talking about how well everyone is getting is along and crossing their fingers that it’ll continue. They’re most concerned that Angela doesn’t botch things up which says a lot about what they think about her. Louise spots a very small shark (at least by Australian standards) and freaks out. Anne quickly follows suit which makes me wonder. I mean, they have shark issues in New Zealand too…
And then we get the controversial scene everyone has been talking about. Michelle, Gilda and Julia head to the bow of the boat. Despite the cloudy, cold weather, they plan to “sunbathe” in their bikinis. As they ascend, Gilda asks Michelle for a hand up. Trying to be funny but failing miserably, Julia vomits out, “Michelle isn’t your boat n****r.” Yep, she uses the N-word. Michelle, understandably, gets upset.
In an attempt to clarify, not justify, what Julia said, The Urban Dictionary defines Boat N****r as: “Middle class white girls (usually) who go crewing on a voluntary (usually) basis on larger cruising or racing yachts on their gap year. Occasionally in the hope of meeting a male (usually) crewman from a middle class background and income bracket for like-minded travel, fun and sex. Occasionally this may be the owner, but this isn’t the main purpose. (As opposed to “Boat whore”.)”
Michelle must not spend much time on Urban Dictionary because she equates the term to the slur house n****r and gets extremely insulted.
Julia runs to Angela, who is either being isolated from the other girls to contain her crazy or just avoiding being on camera in a bikini, to discuss her faux paux. Julia admits what she did was utter stupidity and insensitive. Own it sister. Angela manages to give her good advice: eat big time crow and apologise, apologise, apologise. Julia cries in remorse.
Michelle is FUMING. She points out that growing up in the UK and living 18 years in NZ she’s never been called the N-word. Gilda cries in sympathy. They wonder aloud why Julia would choose that term out of all the choices she could’ve made. I’m sure Julia is wondering if there is a plastic surgery procedure for a brain enhancement. As Michelle goes up the stairs she sees Julia in the cabin with Angela and says, “You think it was funny what you said? Julia responds, “No I don’t.” Michelle then says, “I covered for you with the gold digger comment. Well the fact is most men you’ve ever been with have money so I guess it’s justified with the gold digger comment, yeah?” Gilda yells, “Trash!” Which causes Julia to start sobbing.
Julia stupidly decides to run after Michelle to apologise instead of waiting her her to cool off. Angela offers to go with and be supportive but Julia says no in a way that conveys, “Darling, I don’t need more shit started by bringing you along.” Needless to say, Michelle and Gilda aren’t pleased to see Julia. Michelle starts in by saying, “You’re going to call me a House N****r?” Julia interrupts and corrects her by saying, “Boat N****r.” This woman just doesn’t know when to shut up.
Michelle tells Julia, with much emotion, “You think you’re funny, but you’re not funny! Someone needs to tell you you’re not funny!” Julia attempts to defend herself. “I didn’t know what I was saying.” Again she just doesn’t know when to shut up. Just agree to everything and apologise, apologise, apologise. Julia finally gets a clue when she sees Michelle getting more and more worked up and starts to just apologise for all she’s worth. Michelle yells, “Get out of my face! Honestly I’ll throw you the fuck overboard! House N****r and then you’re going to say Boat N****r! You’re fucking crazy!” Michelle flings her champagne into Julia’s face and yells, “Get the fuck out of here! Go downstairs!” As Julia rushes off, Michelle smashes her glass after Julia yelling, “You need help! You’re stupid! You’re an idiot!”
Julia runs crying from Michelle and Gilda to the cabin where the rest of the girls are congregated. Louise says she doesn’t know what Julia’s education is but she “runs at the mouth” and this time it has dire consequences. She adds that a white person saying the N-word is unforgivable even though blacks says it to each other. They concede the trip is ruined and head back to shore. Everyone needs time to regroup. Separately. Unfortunately for Julia, she’s rooming with Gilda and Michelle. Ouch. Julia would like to go back in time and never utter the remark. Michelle would love to never set eyes on her again.
Angela Facetimes her ex-husband (since no one else will film with her). When he asks her how it’s going, she tells him they’re just relaxing (cue a clip of Lea ironing Angela’s dress) and just a bit full on. Yep, she said both. “Relaxing,” then “it’s full on.” One negates the other, bless her. Angela proceeds, in very ambiguous terms, to tell him what went down on the boat and he tries very hard to look like he gives a shit. Then she tells him, “I wish you were here! I just need a big hug and a big kiss!” To which he grunts an unconvincing affirmative response. Does she not know or realise the public will find out they’re not together? Bless her heart, poor thing. After pretending she’s still married, Angela asks Lea how she’s doing. Lea feels a bit sick due to the air conditioning. Well, Angela’s brand doesn’t sleep or get sick! She has Lea to take at least a dozen supplements because god forbid Lea stop working. Unsurprisingly, Lea only lasted 6 months as Angela’s PA.
Finally it’s time for Angela’s helicopter trip (you know, the one she sprung on everyone to steal Louise’s thunder when she announced the boat trip). Angela announces that Michelle and Gilda won’t be coming. Because of Julia. In the chopper everyone sits across from Julia. Subconsciously they’re showing she’s on the outs and she’s feeling it. Julia says a chopper ride and a spa day is a day to die for. Anne says, “Don’t say that! Your turn of phrases are something.” Again, outs. Angela is just glad Julia is taking heat off her. They proceed to show views of the rainforest, waterfalls, mountains, ocean. Maybe Julia is right. It is to die for. Angela wants her own helicopter branded “Angela Stone, with diamonds all over it.”
Angela drags them to the Silky Oaks Lodge, a new age healing spa in the rainforest. Anne worries the rainforest will ruin her Swarovski crystal shoes. Louise doesn’t want to change into yoga outfits. And no one is impressed with Angela’s friend, an intuitive life and laughter coach. She leads them through a laughter yoga session. Angela thinks it’s great. The others, not so much. Louise reckons this woman is exactly what she expected from Angela, ie: on another planet. The instructor makes them stamp their feet and yell and then stop and laugh. Angela think she’s amazing! Angela yells and claps, “Are we having fun? We’re having fun!” Not according to everyone’s faces. Julia is visibly on edge so the instructor reads her aura. She becomes emotional, like this woman wasn’t tipped off. Not saying it can’t happen but this is Real Housewives, right? Michelle and Gilda are going to fall out laughing when they see these tapes back.
The “airy fairy” stuff done, they go to drink champagne. Angela goes on a tirade about how you’re empowered through your base chakra and everyone else at the table is glassy eyed, wishing they were more drunk. Angela then switches to patronising Julia, saying now that she’s apologised it’s going to be a “process.” In a talking head, Angela claims she has “lots of wisdom.” She’s right when she tells Julia she need to think before she speaks. But full of wisdom? That’s a reach. Anne says, “Julia likes to say she’s a dumb blonde… Well she said it.” Gotta love Anne.
They decide to meet up with Michelle and Gilda poolside at the hotel for cocktails. I don’t know what Gilda has on but I hope she didn’t pay a whole lot for it. The blue bikini ensemble makes it seem like her boobs arrive before she does. She looks like a millennial hippy. Michelle shows up in a beautiful blue bikini with a white lace cover. Angela shows up in a white one piece but she somehow got fake tan all over her crotch area. When Louise points it out, Angela yells, “Don’t do that! It’s my fake tan. It’s just the way it is.” This causes the girls to laugh. Hard. Michelle says it makes her look like she shit her pants. Michelle might not be ready to resolve things with Julia, but it’s always the right time to laugh at Angela.
Back home, Julia gets Michelle to meet up with her. She is very, very nervous so she wears black, in case Michelle throws a drink at her. She tries to justify her slur by claiming she didn’t realise the significance of what she said. She would have said that to anyone, black or white. Michelle takes umbrage to which Julia stammers, “I’m the least racist person you could meet.” Michelle asks, “Were you just trying that hard?” Julia sees an out and agrees. She gets a lecture on how to not try so hard and not word vomit. Julia, not realizing how easy she’s getting off, sticks her foot in her mouth again. She asks that Michelle stop lecturing her because the “other girls wouldn’t have reacted” like Michelle did. Again Michelle is blown away. I mean, seriously.
Michelle takes the high road and tells Julia a little about her upbringing. Her mother was a born again Christian so she was brought up in church. She has learned to not hold grudges as it doesn’t help you in life and she’s a proud black woman. Julia agrees she’s a beautiful, proud black woman. Julia says, “I know you won’t possibly forgive my comment…” to which Michelle breaks in and says, “No. Never.” Michelle explains that she won’t forgive but will move on and counsels Julia to go home and watch Roots or 12 Years A Slave.
Next week: the girls shoot skeet and Angela poses nude for a magazine.