Real Housewives of Auckland: The Brand Must Go On

By Kimberly, Our New Zealand Correspondent

This episode is the first part of the first girl’s trip to Port Douglas in Australia. We go first to Michelle’s house where it’s very scripted as she is JUST beside herself and URGENTLY needs Gilda’s help to pack for this week long adventure. Yeah, right like ANY of these women are going to really taking any fashion or packing advice. Angela’s book giving in the first episode was a good example of how they don’t want anyone telling them anything about fashion. So over the script they soon forget packing because now Gilda is here they can gossip. Gilda tells Michelle about her coffee with Angela. Gilda says she finds it hard to relate to Angela as she always has a creepy smile on her face. I have to say I agree with Gilda. I’m becoming more a Gilda fan. She does seem very real. Much more so than Angela. But people who have wealth like Gilda tend to not be a ‘in your face’ about it as those who are not. My experience anyway. Gilda makes the point she makes brands for a living and doesn’t want to be friends with a brand (Angela’s brand). Gilda wants a fresh start on the girl’s trip.

Michelle and Gilda move on to gossiping about Louise and Julia’s blow up at the acting workshop. Michelle actually says she’s shocked that Julia brought out her bedroom toys, but let’s remember at the time Michelle was validating Julia’s actions with her sexually charged comments. Gilda says Julia having a bag if sex toys ‘sounds very much like her’. Michelle calls the kettle black by saying Julia is ’50  Shades of dirty’.  Michelle says Julia cleans her sex toys by ‘putting them in the dishwasher’. I don’t remember her saying this –and I think I would’ve!–but Michelle does make a good point that she worried the glass she was drinking out of was washed in the same load. Editing shows her drinking from a glass without a care in the world how it was cleaned so I’m wondering if she made this up. 

Louise’s house is WONDERFUL!! We see her curl up on a couch against a HUGE window which has the whole of Auckland and the ocean as the backdrop. GORGEOUS!!!! Louise loves girl’s trips. Naively she thinks she’s going to lie by the pool, sip cocktails and have a great time. Bless her pea picking heart! Anne shows up for spray tans. Anne says she’s never had a spray tan. Anne admires the view and rightly so. Anne is quickly putting herself above the others in the show as ‘a better’ [my quote]. There is some truth to what she says, but me thinks she’s working herself into a corner she may regret. At the same time she does this she’s telling Louise that Julia shouldn’t think she’s looked down upon.  Yet they start in on her sex toys. They think Julia doing this is ‘low rent’. Yeah, kinda. Really an overshare to pull out your sex toys. Then Anne says ‘that’s really the difference between us and them isn’t it?’ In a sidebar she says that she and Louise have far better manners and were brought up more correctly and know how to behave’. Anne says she worried about a spray tan because she’s had an allergic reaction to hair dye. She must’ve found one which doesn’t bother her as there is NO way she isn’t covering grey at her age. Anne finds out Louise isn’t getting a spray tan. She refuses to use the disposable g-string and wears her own undies. I have to say for her age Anne looks fabulous! Hope I manage to look even close to that good at her age   Geeze! Even the view from Louise’s kitchen is to die for! Lucky lady!

Julia decides to do a fashion show for her husband regarding the bikinis and dresses etc. she’s going to take to Port Douglas. Julia wants to show her body to the girls so she ‘can strut her stuff better than the rest’. Julia is going to take 7 or 8 bikinis for a 5 day trip. Over compensate much? She must. She’s going to give Louise a pass and take the high road.

We’re back to Angela, who wants people to feel sorry for her and thinks taking her PA to Port Douglas is necessary as her brand is just so time consuming. Angela and Lea’ go and get a mani-pedi. Angela gives Lea’ a dissertation on why she (Angela) MUST do things like this to de-stress all the while barking orders at Lea’ to make notes. She says she hopes by taking Lea’ to Port Douglas it will show Lea’ how to balance work and play……..then states the phone is ALWAYS ringing, ringing, ringing and Angela isn’t able to answer all those calls being on vacation and all. So Lea’ will have to an answer them saying ‘Hello, Its Lea’ from Angela Stone’. Then Angela goes in on an inspirational quote for the day sharing a spiritual lesson with Lea’. I for one think inspirational quotes are a nice quick nanosecond ‘ah ha’ moment IF they’re not as stupid as THIS type. ‘When making herbal tea. Leave the tea bag in to allow all the nutrients to soak into the water so that your body may absorb as many of the vitamins and nutrients as possible. Then take the time to reflect about what’s happening in your world.’ What utter nonsense. Sorry there are just better quotes out there. Angela says in a sidebar her ‘in screen feed is a reflection of her business’. So this quote is something she high jacked or made up for her website.

She then rattles off a bunch of stuff she wants Lea’ to do. Frankly I think she made most of these ‘to do’ stuff up. She asks Lea’ to note down when one of her daughter’s want to come to Auckland next…….so she doesn’t forget. Then just after that ‘note’ she asks Lea’ to find out if her Renault is due for a service. After all she ‘doesn’t need anymore car troubles’. This comment after telling Lea’ ‘don’t worry’ about the fender bender. Told you she’s the type to say ‘it’s all good’ while making you know it’s not. And here she is again underlining that fact. Angela gets her free Renault by hyping Renault. Could she be the New Zealand NeNe who thinks everything should come with comps?  Angela must have more than one car as she launched her styling book (the one given out in the first episode) at a Volkswagen dealership. . Does she not know anyone in the fashion industry to launch her book in their store for free clothes and publicity?

Angela then tells Lea’ about her coffee with Gilda and how Gilda think she’s fake. She asks Lea’ ‘do you think I’m fake’ to which there is a LONG awkward pause (during which Angela smiles that creepy smile and nods her head as if to say ‘that’s your cue’) before  Lea’ realises this wasn’t a rhetorical question and jumps in saying ‘no! no!’ In that lovely French accent (love the French accent).  Angela then goes on about how she’s self made and has her own money. I think Lea’s job consists of her constantly wondering how she got into this train wreck of a job but just can’t help but look at the carnage that comes out of a Angela’s mouth with shock. Poor kid.

Anne is off to high tea with her young nephew. He’s obviously very intelligent and very ‘well brought up’ as Anne would say. However I think it’s refreshing  to see a young boy who can carry on a conversation with an elder and have good table manners. Anne says he’s going to inherit her champagne business (which means he’s been coached by his parents in any outing with Aunt Anne). He asks if she’s ever tried to have children to which Anne tongue-in-cheek says she’s never even had sex. He laughs getting the joke even for his young age and says ‘TMI’. This kid probably is routinely trotted out to keep the rich old aunt happy so he can inherit everything. In typical fashion I think she makes him and his parents jump through hoops in the hope of financial gain. She just seems the type who does it with a wink an a smile behind their backs. Again they edit Anne to be a cut above the rest by giving her nephew dining etiquette pointers and test questions. Well, if you’re going to raise them not to be Neanderthals one does need to teach. I just love a man who has good manners.

We’re on the girl’s trip now. They skipped the usual self made videos on the plane thank God. We see poor Lea’ has been left like a lackey and not the PA she is to manage three bags and two suitcases by herself. Louise starts by telling the girls they are sharing rooms. Of course everyone is clutching their chests at the fact they have to share rooms. Louise thinks Angela bringing her PA is saying she’s high flying and can’t do with out her PA. Of course this is what Angela wants everyone and the world at large to think. Of course Angela and her PA are sharing. Gilda, Michelle and Julia are sharing. Then Louise and Anne. Anne is okay with this as they’ve ‘been brought up similarly’. Everyone of these women are like deer in the headlights shocked they have to share. Both Michelle and Gilda are glad they’re bunking together but say in sidebars they have reservations about Julia. Julia out right says she’s not sure about bunking with them. Not subtle. Nope. They respond if it doesn’t work they’ll just kick her out. Snap! Then we see Anne and Louise fight over the best room. Louise wins as she’s more stubborn. Anne takes it all good naturedly. Gilda and Julia go at it over the only room with a double bed. Julia doesn’t want to sleep in a room with two single beds. She JUST can’t. Gilda finds the best room first and lays claim to it. Julia says she should have it as she’s the odd man out here. Michelle, as always, agrees with Gilda and says she walked in the room first so Gilda should get the room. Michelle also says Julia shouldn’t ‘rubbish’ her by saying Julia doesn’t want to room with her all the while winking and smiling at Gilda. Gilda finally gives in to Julia mainly because both she and Michelle want to look like their the better people while putting Julia down.

Angela is prattling on about the need to keep the business going even if they’re in Australia as Lea’ is struggling to keep up loaded down with bags as they go check out their villa.  Angela is now speaking for how ‘SO excited Lea’ is’ and how Lea’ ‘can’t believe how beautiful the villa is’. This however AFTER Angela states it smells a bit damp. The gives credit to the villa in a back handed way by gushing about what Lea’ thinks. By the way she’s VERY certain about what Lea’m thinks? Since Lea’ finds the villa ‘SO beautiful’ and she’s ‘SO excited’ of course Angela thinks this is going to be the ‘perfect office for her’. [eye roll here] They have JUST walked through the door, haven’t looked the villa over and Angela wants to break out the laptop and get to work. Angela is SO pretentious. Later she shrilly calls to Lea’ from upstairs. Leans over from upstairs and first says ‘make me a green tea please’ and then ‘oh I’d love a Chardonnay after all we are on vacation’……..does this woman know how she looks and sounds? Obviously not. Gilda, Michelle and Julia think Angela brings her PA because she has no friends or needs a buffer. Michelle concludes Julia is two faced from this conversation. Goodness! The charade of Angela being this high flying business woman is a joke. Very entertaining.

They go to a bar where the server promptly drops a drink from the tray. Julia is worried he’s going to walk off with her cocktail and not give it to her before the mess is cleaned up. I have to say this poor server managed to spill this drink everywhere and the women took it in stride and seemed to give the guy a break unlike some franchise wives would have done. Julia comes up with the bright idea if the drinking game ‘I have never’. First question is I have never…….dyed my hair (from Julia). Gilda is confused. For a person who is an architect she’s finding this game mentally taxing claiming she’s not good at coordination…….right. Bet she needed coordination with ole man Kirkpatrick! Gilda drinks. Second question, I have never……been a vegetarian (from Louise). Most drink while again Gilda struggles. Third question, I have never…..had a boob job (from Angela). Still Gilda struggles. Anne drinks. Fourth question, I have never……had a one night stand (from Michelle). Gilda still struggles. It seems to be a Mexican stand off with all the girls looking at each other. Julia thinks surely Gilda and Michelle have had one, they’re party girls after all, according to Julia. Angela ends up being the only one who drinks. No surprise there. If I were a guy I’d leave after I’d knocked off a bit too. She’s a nutter. Fifth question, I have never…….had an affair (from Michelle) who quickly assures everyone ‘I haven’t!’ Again the Mexican stand off and then Anne drinks first and then Angela drinks to get attention in my opinion ‘yes I drank’ says Angela, ‘who hasn’t fallen in love with someone when they’ve been with somebody else’. Is this why she’s divorced? Or did her husband by a vowel and get a clue? If course on this question Gilda is NOT struggling with the rules if the game and knows EXACTLY how to answer. Now the women want to goss on Angela stepping out. Angela assures us in a sidebar she’s a worldly woman an not so prim and proper. Good to know.

Louise surprises the girls with a charter boat. They’re all going on about it and not to be out done Angela announces she’s put together a side trip too as a thank you to Louise. Where? A lodge where they can do spiritual stuff. No one seems into it. Louise is not thrilled her thunder is being stolen. Yep not one girl wants to go. Except maybe Lea’ who is being paid to like going and will only go if all the girls beg off the trip.

Next time: All hell breaks loose on the boat……of course.