Catfish: Robin & Wayne

Robin is 31 years old and lives in St. Paul Minnesota. Robin, girl, you are too old to be this stupid. They met in a Facebook Chat. I didn’t even know Facebook Chats existed. Wayne is really good-looking. Red flag. Wayne lives in Atlanta. Red Flag. Atlanta is probably the top city Catfish goes to track down losers. There are no straight men here so the Catfish is usually a female. Red Flag. He never video chats. Red Flag. She has sent him $300 to get a phone when his broke. Red Flag. He calls her from private numbers. Red Flag.

When the boys get to Robin’s house, I immediately notice the furniture and paint colors. I sure hope she asked for yellow and teal walls. How come she didn’t go for the leather couch? She has a green cloth couch with yellow accent pillows and a leather yellow chair that might be leather. Good for her for picking out something she likes. I am tired of the brown leather couch people. 

Because Robin still has Wayne’s old number to the broken phone, Nev decides to call and see if the number is still working. A guy answers and says he is Wayne’s brother Sean. Wayne has a new number and he doesn’t want to give it out but take’s Nev’s name and number and says he will pass the message on to him. Wayne has never mentioned a brother to Robin. 

The Incredibly Facile Investigation

A quick photo search of the hotty brings up a ton of people using his photo. The guys quickly figure out that the real guy is Koree, a gay guy from Mississippi. They guys call him up and he gives them the usual it happens all the time speech. I haven’t even watched the scene yet, but we are sticking to a tight script. Koree sounds really nice. He doesn’t the usual confirmation video chat with Robin and breaks the bad news to her.

The gang heads to Atlanta with nothing but a phone number, and productions map to the catfish’s house. Before they leave, Wayne calls the guys. Wayne does the usual reluctant catfish routine. He doesn’t seem to care one way or another about meeting Robin.

Meet Wayne

The crew pulls into a typical McMansion neighborhood in Atlanta with two cars in the driveway. Nev and Max are impressed. You can get a nice big house like that for about $300,000 down here. I do agree he could probably afford his own phone though. Unless he lives with his parents. Someone driving a Mazarati pulls into the driveway. This is getting ridiculous.

A dude with gold teeth and a big belly jumps out of the car wearing a hat and a shirt that say “Team Skyler” He says his name is Wayne. That Team Skyler is his motivational speaking and investment company. Yet there is no website for such a company. Correction. The teeth are not gold, they are just yellow. The ones that are not missing. Wayne says he took the $300 from Robin to be sure that she was real and really liked him for him and not for all his cars and money. The guys point out he was using a fake photo. He says that is because when they were in the chat room rating people’s photos, she picked the photo (of Koree) so he began using that photo so that he could talk to her.

The he admits when he first met her in the chat room he was married and had a kid. So he couldn’t give her is real phone number. He got divorced two years ago. He then had a lot of girlfriends. He says she is here now, shit happens. What does she want the Mazarati or the Audi?

This motivational speaker is motivating me to want to whip his ass. Basically, he says she has his heart, and all his “house hoes” are just a way for him to “get his rocks off.”  When this episode began, I felt like Robin deserves whatever she gets. But nobody deserves this fool.

We have never been in the McMansion. This entire thing is happening in the driveway next to three cars that clearly do not belong to Wayne. I am betting we never go in this house.

Max tells Wayne he has a lot of making up to do and suggests that he take Robin out to dinner. I’m not sure where they went, but it looks like they are down at the Skrip Club. There is not another person in the place. I have no idea why production picked this seedy location for a romantic dinner. While I am trying to get a clue as to where they are, they have quickly agreed to just start over. Because clearly Robin is dumb enough to think he has all those cars and a big house.

“BUT,” says Wayne, “There certain stipulations.” Apparently, Wayne wants to move Robin in to live with him and another girl. Wait, didn’t Wayne just tell us that his house hoes don’t mean nothing to him? Now he wants to put her in the house with one or more of them? Wayne says he is a very sexual person and if she is not around someone else is going to “scratch that itch.”  I know times are hard in Atlanta, ladies. But woman should be hard up enough to get with this dude. Robin explains to Wayne that his polyamourous lifestyle is just not for her.

The next day, Robin tells Nev and Max that Wayne is an asshole. When the stop by to tell Wayne they are leaving. There are two different cars in the driveway. Like a mustang and a gremlin or something. I don’t know. We actually go in the house. There are two new couches. In fact the entire house looks staged by someone who watched a lot of Dynasty growing up. It’s weird. I used to keep my dining room table set for two back when I kept my home in a livable condition, before THE CRAZY came. But no single man lives in a house with the dining room table set and dusty silk floral centerpieces. As for the paint, there are at least four colors on the wall as soon as you open the door. The dining room has a mustard color above the wainscoting and watermelon below. The living room has some color between apricot and tan on some walls and the watermelon color on the rest.

The only thing weirder than the decor was the conversation. Robin gives him a side hug and heads back to Minnesota.

At the two month check up, Robin is stupidly still talking to the fool. She says she is not interested in dating him.  They call Wayne and he is still in that same house with the weird paint. He is still looking for him some house hoes.