Real Housewives of Auckland: Tickle Me Pink

By Kimberly, Our New Zealand Correspondent 

Today Angela is off house hunting. She is trying to bring her family from Christchurch to Auckland……by family she means kids. She’s going to up root her kids for a TV show. Angela is house hunting with her French PA Lea’ the house they view is gorgeous! Angela and the realtor put Lea’ in the lift and she can’t get out. Poor girl makes you wonder if she’d be able to find her way out of a paper bag. Angela thought it was great fun, Lea’ not so much. Angela views this one house and decides she can see her family living here so let’s put in an offer. Not saying I wouldn’t love love love to live there, but you’d think if you’re spending $7m you’d shop around a bit. Bet she’s not buying. Poser.

As she’s winding up her viewing she gets a phone call from Michelle. Michelle wants to catch up for coffee. Angela isn’t keen but she thinks Michelle has had an epiphany and realised how badly she’s treated Angela so naturally Angela is totally willing to meet with Michelle and give her the opportunity to apologise. When Michelle asks for a date Angela says I’ll have my PA email you……… Well good to know Angela isn’t putting on airs.

Now we jump across town to Louise who is hosting an acting workshop and she’s invited Julia and Michelle along. Julia starts out saying she’s ‘bruised’ about the golddigger comment Louise and Anne made about her at the vampire treatment. Funny this acting class comprises of three people……Louise, Julia and Michelle. Smell a set up? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?
So they get to a point in the workshop where they are imitating people and their accents. Louise imitates Gilda. “Hello Louise! I’m just driving my Rolls Royce.” No harm there but Julia thinks it’s snarky and she shouldn’t do that because she’s supposed to be Gilda’s friend. Uh, it’s an exercise. Then Julia does Louise making a snarky comment “Hi my name is Louise. I think you are not behaving yourself. I know what everybody should be doing.” Then she goes on to make a comment about Louise when she gets drunk. Now it’s crossing a line. THEN Julia says (still imitating Louise) “Actually I’m a backstabbing bitch.” The acting coach’s jaw dropped to the floor, his eyes zipped back and forth like he was at a tennis match between the two women. I’m sure he just thought he’d entered the Twilight Zone.

Louise says, “Ah, she’s playing herself.” Michelle says, “No baby I think she’s playing you.” Ouch! Then Julia starts in on what’s bothering her: “Do you remember when I was getting my neck done?” Louise responds, ” How could I forget it! I’ve never seen such a fright in my life!” Then Julia says, “You act like you’ve  been born into money and privilege — then Louise snaps, “I was!” – and none of you really deserve to be here, so if you got your money through marriage that’s not quite enough really’.” To which Louise states, “You’ve  pretty much got that right.” Really? Ok. And we all thought Heather was Miss Fancy Pants. She’s got competition on the other side of the world! Julia gets into how Louise acts like she’s ‘way up here’ and Louise responds by saying she doesn’t give a shit what people think and she’s outta there and leaves the women as she makes her dramatic exit. Louise is the consummate actor. In her sidebar she took this situation and spun it into her responses were just winding Julia up because it’s easy to do and fun to boot. Hmmm, well she learned something working in show biz but I think she ‘doth protest too much’.

Julia says after Louise leaves she was going to invite Louise and ‘the other married girls’ to her vineyard (or vin yaard if your New Zealander) for the weekend. I wonder, will she leave out Gilda and Angela as they’re the two who aren’t married?

Now it’s the Angela and Michelle’s coffee ‘catch up’. Michelle walks in carrying her rather large purse (that has straps and handles) under her arm like one would carry their lap dog or more accurately how your grandmother would carry her purse when she’d gotten her social security check cashed. A very crude way of showing everyone ‘hey! Look! I have a Birkin too!’ Michelle brings up the pussy party and the fact Angela had a great time. They show a montage of Angela dancing which is something I can’t unsee. Then Angela declares she’s been dancing all her life’. Okay! Add dancer to the list. It definitely wasn’t pole dancing I’ll say that! Angela brings up the fact Michelle compared her to Julia because they were wearing the same cat suit. Michelle blithely says, “…why not? It was just a bit of fun right?” Angela in a sidebar says Michelle was just rude. I have to say I agree with Angela. Women DO NOT like to be compared. Not by their men. Not by their friends. I can’t wait for some one to turn the tables on Michelle because my guess is her head will spin and she’ll spit green goo and that’ll be fun to watch. Michelle goes on to state she ‘isn’t going to apologise because she doesn’t believe she did or said anything wrong’. Then Angela responds by asking about the ‘pull your tummy in sweetie’ comment. To which Michelle says “It’s  just a comment. Women do that.” No Michelle. Bitches do that.

Then Michelle turns it around and starts in on Angela and how she treated Gilda. So it’s obvious Michelle is only wanting to have coffee to convince Angela she should send sorry flowers to Gilda. The creepy thing through all this is Angela kept smiling through the whole thing. They end coffee shaking hands and doing that guy thing. You know when two guys shake hands and one tries to crush the hand of the other? Yep, that’s what they did. Ya boy.

We’re off to another coffee date with Angela, Anne and the French PA. Boy these women like coffee unlike their American counterparts who go for wine. Me? I have Bailey’s in my coffee. Two birds and all that.  I just don’t think Angela thinks too hard before she speaks sometimes. She says to Lea’ ‘It’s so nice to go to the hairdressers and get my hair done…..” while she’s walking down the street in some Russian Bolshevik hat whose size would rival a ten gallon hat if it were made of fur. Hope it didn’t ruin the hairdresser’s work. Lea’ apparently had an car accident that morning. Probably because they drive on the ‘right’ side of the road in France unlike New Zealand. So Angela invited Anne to join them because why? Anne loves coffee and a good chin wag? No. According to Angela it’s because Anne loves anything French (Lea’) and she loves coffee. Of course what were we thinking of course Anne is the logical choice. My bad. However I may stand corrected because Anne says, ‘I just have this natural feeling for French people. I’m sure Lea’ would love to converse with someone in French. It also gives me a chance to practice my French as well.” I’d forgotten Anne has a champagne and a house in the south of France. My, my, my.

SO, as Anne starts a conversation with Lea’ in French. Angela’s phone rings and she steps away. Anne takes this opportunity to ask Lea’ some questions. First Anne asks her if everything  really ok because she knows Angela can be difficult. Lea’ admits sometimes it’s difficult because there is a lot of stress. Lea’ says she’s stressed at work and states she’s just also 21 and still only little. Anne in a sidebar says she thinks Angela is milking it because Lea’ is ironing, running around, picking things up, dropping things off, she doesn’t know how much she’s really learning from Angela about styling. Angela comes back to the table and says ‘what have you girls been talking about?’ Anne says, ‘You! I was just making sure that Angela hasn’t been taking advantage of Lea”. Then Angela wants to learn a French phrase. Bahaaaa! Anne teaches her voulez-vou couche avec moi se soir? Angela has NO idea what she’s being asked to say. Lea’ is laughing her head off but not looking at Angela. Has this self proclaimed woman of many talents been living under a rock to not know this particular French phrase? Yep. Not a clue.

Gilda is picking oranges outside her back door on the balcony with her eldest who’s cute and about two. Gilda has a chef as she needs someone ‘to deal with her complicated palate’. I’m sure she brought up this point in her divorce proceedings when asking for alimony. Michele is excited to have lunch at Gilda’s because after all ‘Anthony (the chef) caters all Gilda’s private events’. Ok, now a simple lunch between friends is a private event in Michelle’s world. Michelle is salivating to tell Gilda about her coffee with Angela and the acting workshop with Louise and Julia. First thing we learn Julia IS leaving out the unmarried women for the day at her ‘vin yaard’. Michelle questions whether she’s actually ever gotten through to Angela after their conversations. This probably has something to do with Angela’s creepy smile. Gilda’s attitude about the Angela situation is ‘sometimes oils and water just don’t mix’ (and no I didn’t type ‘oils’ wrong) well, she’s right. Gilda’s phone rings and Michelle thinks it’s rude Gilda  has it on while  she’s there. Oh! Well then!  Of course it’s Angela on the phone thanks to production I’m sure. Angela wants to invite Gilda for another one of these popular ‘catch up’ coffees.  Angela says, “I’ll get my PA to talk to your PA to have a look at each other’s calendars.’ There Angela goes putting in airs again…….as Michelle rolls her eyes. Gilda says she doesn’t have a PA but Angela’s PA can email her if she likes. Gilda says in a sidebar ‘I don’t believe in apologies. I believe in corrective behaviour.” Hmmm, just what does that mean exactly? ‘Oh dear, look at that! I stepped on your foot! Well, I’m not going to apologise. I’ll just make sure I never do that again.’ Weird philosophy.

Now we get to see Angela (again this episode! Why is she getting so much camera time?) and Lea’ go see Lea’s handy work with the crashed car. Apparently the first referred to ‘work’ car is now Angela’s children’s car. Angela in that way people do who are really saying the opposite says ‘I’m not angry about your crashing the car so don’t worry about that.’ All in all the dent doesn’t look too bad. This after she’s declared at coffee with Anne it’s probably a write off. And now she’s turning on the water works at the body shop (or panel beaters) saying ‘it’s just so sad seeing a little car like this.’ ITS A FUCKING CAR LADY! Good God! Sugar wouldn’t melt in this woman’s mouth! Oh no my bad. She’s just relieved for Lea’s sake and surprised about how much the car is damaged…….?

Yep she does totally live in her own world. I’m convinced now. So now Lea’ doesn’t want to drive anymore. This is a problem because after all Angela need her to be ‘going out, driving me, picking me up, fetching things…..’. It’s an issue. Lea’ is in tears and not happy.

Julia’s vineyard day is here. It’s a beautiful place. Anne, Louise and Michelle have been invited. Julia is so stressed and pissed off she breaks a wine glass stem as she’s drying it. Michael says, ‘Don’t worry about it I’ll just take it out of the children’s allowance’.  Julia wants to show off her place especially to Louise, to prove shes as good as Louise. Ok, why? What kinda chip does this woman have on her shoulders? Did she get left off the list to one of Louise’s soirees? Michael ever the wise man who wasn’t at the acting workshop says, ‘I think she knows how to wind  you up and quite enjoys doing it’. Julia states she feels helpless when she sees Louise and can’t be as good as Louise. Again, why? Why do people care so much? You’ve got the vineyard in the country, you’ve got the house in the city, you get to wile your days away with ‘appointments’ with the waxing, hair, face etc. you’ve got the money to do just about anything you want……..but you care about Louise. Go figure. Anyway…….

Anne and Cuddly Bear are driving up in their Rolls. Didn’t know they had one…….unlike Gilda throwing it around. Anne proceeds to give Cuddly Bear the run down on who is at this wine get together. She says Michelle doesn’t come from money but she’s been married to her man for 17 years which later we find out is the expiry date for NOT being a goldigger. She says Julia is the same though newly married but once you’ve gotten used to having money ‘it’s very hard to let go’. So now we go to Michelle filling in David on the people there. He’s yawning already—literally. Bored. Couldn’t care less. Everyone is outside on the damp al fresco (patio for us little people) in their furs. Michelle says in a sidebar when Anne arrives it’s not the done thing to be an animal activist and own furs so therefore Michelle will gladly take them off her hands. I’m not sure animal activist is the appropriate title for Anne. More like cat rescue. It’s not like she’s protesting the eating of cats in Asia like Vanderpump with her dogs.

Julia says to Anne she feels Louise thinks she’s less than for not coming from money and marrying new money. To which Anne says, “oh, that’s understandable’. God, you can’t make this stuff up. Then Julia goes on about Louise and Anne saying she was a goldigger during her vampire treatment and that they’d said the same about Gilda. Michelle, as ever, running to Gilda’s defence asks Anne if she said that and Anne admits that 16 years ago when she heard Gilda was marrying yes she thought that but since then her mind has changed. But Julia isn’t having it she says Louise and Anne are cut from the same cloth.  Michelle says it’s a ‘two way street’ meaning the men benefit from the situation. But Anne retorts that’s right ‘but men are stupid’. David steps into this debate saying ‘Darling! You married me because I had a dollar more than you’. Michelle snaps back, ‘I married you because you have a big dick’. Over share much? Good! Because we like it! Of course Julia has to add ‘You keep out of this dicksy!’ Of course Anne of Blue Blood is clutching her pearls because the girls had dared to over share. Now I wouldn’t do that in certain company but in other company I would. Pick and choose girls, pick and choose. Cuddly Bear was not impressed at all. Good for him, about time a man connected with the HW showed some class. Anne can’t wait for Louise to arrive she’s not feeling the vibe from Michelle and Julia…….a bit too new money.

The views are stunning! Great to see.

Angela and Gilda are at coffee. Angela wants to sort things as she’s tired of the carnage. Gilda just hopes Angela pulls her old party trick and gets up and leaves quickly. Angela tries, and poorly, apologies for upsetting Gilda at Michelle’s dinner. Gilda says she wasn’t upset (have to admit she looked more annoyed) she just lost a lot of respect for Angela. Gilda tells Angela she feels Angela is fake, has rehearsed speech and she lives in her own world. Bingo! Give Gilda a prize! Of course Angela thinks it’s laughable Gilda called her fake because of course Gilda is MORE fake. I agree with Gilda. So then Angela (she MUST be smart in some instinctual level as she turns this sit down into a promo for her up coming book) announces she’s not fake and to prove it she’s currently writing a book (Lea’ is probably doing it) on how to be real AND she’s looking forward to giving everyone copies as everyone else needs critique but her. Welcome to Angela’s world. We hope you enjoy the ride. Angela thinks Gilda is threatened by her work. Let go of the safety bar! You’ll enjoy the ride better! Here we go!  Angela now says she’s a brand. Gilda says she wants to be friends with people not a brand. Gilda says next time leave your brand at home and just bring Angela. Of course Angela goes back to the standard issue creepy smile and agreeing with everything the other person is saying. Gilda leaves. The ride is over. Whew!

Back to Julia’s. Louise arrives. Julia is a bag of nerves doesn’t know how to act. Louise kisses Julia hello. Michelle ever the pot stirrer brings up the acting workshop. Louise handles it wonderfully and says they should do another one but leave out any murder scenes as it could get sticky. Louise says in a sidebar ‘I think with Julia we need to move on now. She thinks that I’m superior to her. Okay, she said it, that’s fine, I happen to agree with her, let’s move on’. Snap! As they move the party into the house Louise sees an antique peddle organ and says ‘Is that David’s organ?’ Julia pipes up and says, ‘Nobody gets to see the organ but me’. Then Michelle pipes up and says ‘you missed the organ on the way through’ pointing to a large coffee table book open to da Vinci’s David.  We find Michael makes it a point to open this book to risqué artwork before their guests arrive. Hmmmm…..are they swingers? Just some intuition here. And no I don’t swing. Never have. Never will. Then Julia says Anne is being rather prudish maybe she should bring out the other toys and see Anne’s reaction! Yep swingers….if only from the ceiling.

So Julia brings out a black bag (I swear it looks like a purse) and sits down and says she’s going to educate Anne (this is someone who was in her prime during the sexual revolution and the ’70s don’t think she needs a tutorial). First item from the bag……a cock ring! Okay for those of us who’ve never seen one (even in the wrapper) it’s clean so they can touch it. It’s got a little battery on one side for vibrating……the other women are bulging their eyes and NOBODY wants to touch it…..except Anne who puts her finger on it briefly to feel the vibration and in the next minute in a sidebar is admonishing herself for it and hoping its sterile. Julia says ‘good thing it’s flesh coloured right? (As if that matters in your own bedroom!) and Louise very dead pan says, ‘Amazing! Yeah’. Now Julia whips out a ‘not so subtle’ dildo (it wasn’t that big I think she was referring to the colour). Anne must still have her dildo from 1970 because she’s surprised this one is hot pink. Then Julia whips out the ‘oh so conservative’ vibrator shaped like an flat oval for vibrations. Louise says ‘it’d get lost’! Wrong use Louise. Julia has to explain this one wasn’t inserted. Anne reckons with the right person you don’t need all those gadgets. She says you’ve either got that ‘charisma to give up that wang dang doodle or you haven’t’. Gotta love Anne. Then Julia ruins the moment by asking if Anne and Cuddly Bear have a ‘wang dang doodle night’ of the week. Anne’s face drops. She’s not happy. In her sidebar she says this confirms why new money is so nouveau riche’. So then Anne suggests they go see the boys. When they do as the women walk in someone says ‘did you miss us?’ Cuddly Bear jokingly says no and as every woman goes and greets her man with a kiss. Weirdly, Michelle pecks Cuddly Bear on the cheek and just ignores her own man. Anne doesn’t kiss Cuddly Bear because Michelle got in her way. After Michelle pecks Cuddly Bear she puts herself as far away from her man as she can get. Hmmm. Is not all well in paradise? Of course Michelle pot stirrer says to Michael they’d been viewing his cock ring to which he immediately goes bright bright red. Poor man was wearing a pink shirt. I think he’ll have words tonight with Julia. Will be interesting to see if she calls him ‘dicksy’ anymore on camera. However he did caress her butt after or so it was edited. Louise announces a girls trip to Port Douglas, Australia. Julia is annoyed Louise stole her thunder at her own party. Guess she’s not over the goldigger comment yet.

Next week: Off to Port Douglas. Anne gets a spray tan for the first time. They play a drinking game and some gossip slips out.