Million Dollar Listing New York: Wake, Sell, Repeat & Pushing the Envelopes

By The Lady Cocotte

I think I owe you all an apology. I’ve been under the weather (damn you, Lymopause!) and fell woefully behind on the Million Dollar Listing New York recaps. For shame! Well, Mistress Tamara has wisely shortened the chains on my radiator and I’m back. So bring on the real estate shenanigans! You know I’ve missed it.

To make up for my lapse, we’re doing a double feature starting with last week’s episode. Fredrik visits Park Slope, the ritzy area of Brooklyn. He’s working with a demanding developer he knows well. The building is simply stunning. Built in 1880, meticulously restored in 2014, it’s nothing short of a mansion. 8,200 sq feet over five floors. Eight bedrooms, eight bathrooms, and nothing looks cramped. Fredrick actually fits in one of their tubs so it’s clearly enormous. The “private outdoor space” is small but any outdoor area in historical buildings like this is a gift. The seller paid $3.8 million three years ago, put in $3 million in restorations and wants $16 million. Fredrik thinks she’s out of her mind. A house like this in Manhattan would go for $50 million but this is Park Slope. He suggests $11 million and Miss Demanding refuses. After much back and forth, they finally compromise on $12.750. Fredrik is concerned. This won’t be an easy sale. To retaliate, he stomps back to his car, wrapped in her fur throw like a true Viking.

Ryan feels like he’s living in Groundhog Day. We get a montage of his repetitive life. Wake up. Go to the gym. Show listings. Wash, rinse, repeat. He loves his life with Emelia, he loves real estate but he’s burnt out. Just to show how recycled his life is, he has a listing meeting with Yvonne, a broker he’s worked with three times before. It’s a new building on the Upper East Side. Five units over six floors. It’s clean, white, modern. There’s nothing there there, design-wise but I bet those UES housewife types will love it. Ryan doesn’t think Yvonne’s numbers are reasonable but he decides to pick his battle and only argue the penthouse price. Yvonne agrees to knock $500,000 off and Ryan is sold.

But there’s another catch. Yvonne wants him to bring in a female co-lister. Uh oh. Ryan thinks he’s girly enough to fit the bill but she points out his lack of mommy knowledge. See, I told you these were housewife units. Yvonne knows exactly who she wants to bring on board: Amy Herman, a former co-lister that Ryan still has nightmares about. He ended up hiring Amy to his firm based on her sell record but that doesn’t mean he ever wants to work with her again. Since he clearly has no choice in the matter, and he gets a percentage of Amy’s commission, Ryan relents.

Steve’s buddy Sam asks him (and the Bravo cameras) to check out the renovation he’s done on a loft he bought from Steve. It’s… interesting. Dark, moody, gothic. It’s art? Sam is a furniture designer and he custom made every piece. He’s good at what he does. Individually, everything is pretty cool. All together? He should have hired a designer. But Sam is super happy with what he’s created. I guess that’s what counts? The lack of windows give me claustrophobia. Not even the all gold bathroom (with it’s “golden shower”) could get me to spend a night there. Steve tries to convince Sam to sell it. He just moved in. He loves it. But if the right price came along… Steve dangles a $2 million profit and Sam reluctantly agrees to private showings.

Fredrik holds an open house at the Brooklyn mansion. He’s giving this his all. Including calling Guinness World Records for fitting 100 real estate brokers in a single bathroom. The Guinness switchboard operator is genuinely confused but the brokers eat it up. Real estate humor. Everyone loves the property. Loves it! But they all think it’s overpriced. Yeah, so does Fredrik. In a totally unscripted moment, the developer shows up demanding an offer. After two hours? Then she tells Fredrik that other brokers are giving her their business cards. Quite a bitchy threat. But it works. Fredrik is desperate to get an offer. Too bad it’s so overpriced…

Steve’s first private showing of Sam’s loft gets crashed by the artist himself. Sam is just dying for the potential buyers to drool all over his design sensibility. They don’t and it’s deliciously awkward. When Steve points out how they could, uh, “refresh” the loft to suit their tastes, Sam gets pissy. And slightly aggressive. After the buyers run away as fast as they can, Steve disinvites Sam from future showings. It makes fiscal sense but sounds boring. The best part of this storyline is watching Sam’s designer ego get crushed. Steve’s driver, who just got his broker license and is hoping to pivot from the front to the back seat, asks if he can show the loft to one of his buyers. Steve scoffs at the idea that he’d have a buyer for a $12 million property. Despite saying he’s not trying to be a dick, he’s kind of a dick about it. Which of course means the driver is going to sell the place.

Despite busting his ass, Fredrik can’t get a full offer on the overpriced Brooklyn mansion. The developer is furious. She blames his lack of focus and fires him! Fredrik looks like a kicked puppy. Showing some real maturity, Fredrik admits he deserves it. His error was agreeing to the $12.750 price tag when he knew it wasn’t realistic. He even apologizes. Now all he gets for his trouble is a stolen fur throw. And it’s probably not even real.

Ryan dreads co-listing with Amy Herman but now that he’s her boss, shocker, Amy is all sugar and spice. Funny how that works. Their open house is a huge success but Ryan doesn’t enjoy it. He has a bad case of ennui. Since counseling helped him deal with his commitment issues before the wedding, he heads back to the couch. His therapist suggests watching a sunset. Ryan is not receptive. At all. But the therapist perseveres. He wants him to do things that he wouldn’t normally do. Ryan gets his point. Whether he actually watches a sunset or not remains to be seen.

Steve’s driver sells the loft. Full asking price. I wonder how his $360,000 commission compares to what Steve pays him to drive. Well, he’ll never find out because Sam turns the offer down. He’s too emotionally invested in the property to sell it without enjoying it first. Gasp!

On this week’s episode, Ryan tries to take his therapist’s advice to stop and smell the roses. He starts with handing most of the responsibility (but not his commission) for the UES Housewife units to Amy Herman. Since this is very un-Ryan, she assumes he’s dying or something. Ryan goes home and sits on his couch, waiting for the sun to set. Emilia is concerned to see him so early. Now she thinks he’s dying. He tries to explain his therapist’s plan. She laughs. He loves to work. A sunset just won’t cut it for this guy. She suggests that he reset by going back to the kind of listings he used to do before he got big. “A small listing?” He likes it. And now he gets to go back to work. This storyline is ridiculous.

Fredrik is beside himself. He has a 38 unit project in NoLIta designed by LENNY freaking KRAVITZ! As with most unfinished projects, they have a sales gallery showing a full unit so people can walk around and really get a sense of the space. And these places are no jokes. This one cost $2 million to create. You can only imagine the profit they’re making on the $1.7-$6.5 million units if they’re willing to spend that much on a temporary apartment. I have to say, I expected more from Lenny Kravitz. I enjoy modern but, just like Ryan’s UES mommy apartments, I find the design boring. Even Fredrik dancing in the bathtub doesn’t sway me.

To create crazy buzz, and get the record setting prices they expect, Fredrik wants to launch the project in Paris. It doesn’t really make sense but you know who lives in Paris, don’t you? And I’m not talking about LENNY freaking KRAVITZ… Fredrik meets with an International brokerage firm to plan the launch. He has a list of demands:

• 500 brokers
• 10 supermodels
• 10 Russian/Chinese billionaires

And he wants to do it at the top of the Eiffel Tower. The Int’l brokers stop him. They want to talk about realistic, business necessities. They want their French brokers to have exclusives on selling the penthouses. And when can they start? And what about parking spaces? Fredrik gets annoyed. He’s putting on a show here. The actual details can get hammered out off camera.

Ryan is already feeling better. He’s taken a listing he would normally fob off on an assistant. The seller, John, isn’t some obnoxious developer. He actually lives there. And he’s quite a character. Ryan loves it. 1,388 sq ft, panoramic views, odd columns and both bedrooms have a view of the East River. It’s not small but compared to what we usually see on this show, it’s “quaint.” Ryan think the unique touches John added require a specific buyer. John tries to convince him that’s why they can ask for a higher price. They’re talking about the same issue but seeing it from very different positions. Ryan eventually convinces John to list at $2.25 million in the hope they get a bidding war.

Although Fredrik has a deal with a big, International brokerage, he gives Steve a sneak peek at the LENNY freaking KRAVITZ property. Literally, a peek! He ends up slamming the presentation book closed on Steve’s hand before he can see too much. Steve sighs. He’s not really interested in Fredrik’s theater. He just wants into the building. When Fredrik brags they’re launching in Paris, Steve invites himself along. Paris is just getting better and better.

After losing the $360,000 commission on the failed sale of Sam’s loft, you’d think Steve’s driver was having a lousy enough week. And then Steve fires him. But, surprise, that’s because he’s hiring him as a broker! With his twinky good looks and the name Bradley Cooper, this boy will go far. He does a little jig in his jeggings to celebrate. Then Steve heads to his childhood home to see the family. Which means some great flashback photos! And heartfelt moments with his developmentally disabled sister. He’s not just a pretty face.

When Ryan returns to John’s apartment, it’s totally empty. John moved out and took his kooky decor with him. Now Ryan has to sell an empty apartment. No more Groundhog’s Day for him! He has a ball with the older clientele. He hears some great stories. He gets serenaded in the bathroom. He’s enjoying his job again. Score one for Emilia.

Fredrik is at the Plaza Athenee in Paris. My jealousy is tempered by the fact that he’s thoroughly enjoying every minute of it. I just wish he had a bigger robe (get that blur tool ready, Bravo). He calls Derek, only to find out he has some news on the baby front. Fredrik asks him to come to Paris early. It’s where they spent their first Valentine’s Day (and started to fall in love). It would only be fitting if he found out they were pregnant there.

Next week: It’s the season finale! Drama at the LENNY freaking KRAVITZ launch. Drama with Luis. Drama at the (maybe) baby announcement. And an all cast birthday party full of, you guessed it, drama. I can’t wait!