Real Housewives of Auckland: Loose Lips

By Kimberly

We start off episode two with beautiful footage of Auckland. If people had no idea what it’s like they’ll want to go now.

AW!! DOG GAWN!!

So Michelle and Marley (the daughter’s dog we learn) has been invited to Gilda’s for a “doggy play date”. Huh? These people have children too, yes? Are their schedules not busy enough they are required to have an active social life for their dog outside of family? I’m a dog person but it seems to me dogs are the “play with the one your with” type. So why make a play date when they’ll be just as happy at the local dog park?

Michelle admits this play date is odd as Gilda knows she doesn’t get on well with her dog. The horse and the dog must chat and laugh about her awkwardness with animals regularly. I’m sure they are “brother-in-lawing” her (a Southern term) in their antics they pull with her. The horse kicked her last week. The dog won’t even walk well for her today. It’s her daughter’s fault she has a dog. She can’t walk the dog. She can’t abide it’s breath. Sorry but anyone who can’t get along  with animals has some very concerning personal problems. Animals know and the horse and the dog are telling us.
Michelle feels bad she got off on wrong foot at Julia’s birthday luncheon. Claims she didn’t start anything……rriiiigght………so she didn’t call Angela a plus size model right out of the gate? Yeah. She did that. Now she’s rewriting history. Everything Angela said was “dagger, dagger, dagger”. Michelle justifies calling Angela a plus size model because “let’s face it, she is”. She deems it fact so therefore it must be so. Gilda defends Michelle’s personality. Michelle wants a “do over” so she wants to plan a party on her terms. Gilda isn’t sure she wants to see Angela again. If Angela comes for her she’s going to shoot back because she comes “from the land of AK47”. What does that even mean? I’m from Texas and we don’t joke about guns. If a Texan says they’re going to shoot your ass…..look out. They’re considering it.

We move on to Angela who is a “life stylist” by her own admission. She “believes in the spiritual” because ” it’s who she is”………? Oookkaaay. She goes to this healing practitioner who has a room set up somewhere between a spa and a therapist office. Weird. Angela sits across from this woman and starts to vent about the birthday luncheon. So this healer helps Angela “stay true to what’s important to me”……ooookkaaay. Obviously she  is incapable of doing this on her own.  This practioner proceeds to tell her she’s got heavy negative energy and loads of daggers in her back. Why do people pay for this? I can’t for the life of me figure out why she couldn’t come to these conclusions on her own. So people, really need such affirmations? I guess so……. So Angela who claims to be “a sensitive soul” climbs the healer’s table to be “cleared”, tuned in” and have her “central vertical power current” stabilised (couldn’t write that without laughing out loud). Then her “power and control centre” is where this healer can “see” a couple of dark haired ladies with a lot of angry energy. So to rectify this healer “pulls” out (envision her hand pulls an imaginary object upwards from Angela’s abdomen) these negative daggers these women have somehow managed to get into Angela’s chakra as she breathes like a dirty phone call and waves jazz fingers up and down vertically over Angela’s abdomen. So now she’s been “healed” Angela wants to shower Michelle and Gilda with love. The healer says no that’s not going to work. Gotta disarm them first. What kinda sideshow is this healer? Of course Angela is smiling that same creepy serene smile she had in the park as she threw leaves. Bless her.

UP THE FASHION CREEK

We are off to visit Anne who has invited Angela and Julia to Goose Creek for afternoon tea. Poor deluded Angela takes it upon herself (remember she doesn’t show up anywhere without a gift for her friends) to bring an entire rack of clothing for Anne for in impromptu styling. Needless to say Anne was taken aback saying she doesn’t need more clothes. Anne manages to get her to leave the rack in the foyer. Over champagne (of course) Angela is commenting she felt “lethargic”  after she cleaned out her closet. Anne is sure she meant cathartic. I’m with Anne.

Julia arrives to stop Angela’s diatribe about fashion styling. Upon Julia’s arrival Angela wheels in the rack of clothes as Anne DOES NOT pop out of her chair to get the ball rolling. Poor Anne guzzles some champs to steel herself for Angela’s styling. Angela brought about a dozen outfits to which Anne knocks EVERYONE to a tee. Angela tops it off by giving Anne “the style book”.

They settle in to discuss the birthday lunch. They agree it was all bad form. Then Michelle calls to invite the girls to a dinner party. Now Anne and Julia are remorseful about what they’ve said and thought about Michelle…….from one dinner invite…..ok. So Angela is going to surround herself with “light” before this party. She asks for Anne and Julia to help back her up but they both tell her in so many words they won’t as “she’s so good at looking after herself”. Anne does state Angela shouldn’t take clothes to Michelle.

Michelle is taking her daughter Cristelle (but she pronounces it like the champagne) to a fashion show. Michelle remarks they were sitting front row at the fashion show which means she doesn’t sit there often. Boy this housewife’s storyline is thin. Even Angela in her craziness is more interesting. Michelle needs to parade more animals out as that has been the highlight of her filming so far.

OFF WITH THEIR SHOES!!

Michelle hates to entertain at home. David her husband keeps her calm. She admonishes David to wear a belt as no one needs to see his crack. Obviously this is a problem with David if Michelle needs to remark on it. Also we learn more of Michelle’s world which is “a dinner party is not about cooking”. She hosts. Julia and Louise show up first. Michelle greets her guests in cheap hotel house shoes. Then proceeds to tell Julia and Louise they can’t wear shoes in her home. The women aren’t impressed. I get this as I had a house with white Berber carpet and asked everyone to take off their shoes, but I provided clean socks which they could wear if they wanted. Michelle didn’t provide any alternative footwear. Bad hostess. Gilda shows up next driving her Bentley herself this time. Anne and Angela show up last. Angela played it safe and brought a bottle of wine. Not a book or a clothes rack. Bless her.

David is pouring drinks behind a garish yellow marble bar. It’s SO neon yellow I thought it was backlit at first. It’s not. It’s Fugly. Louise makes the observation they haven’t stocked the bar either. Sad little garish bar with eight little bottles on the shelf behind. Angela was deliberately not given a glass of champagne. We get to see Michelle’s house with Anne and Gilda. Well the bar may not be stocked but their wine cellar sure was! Stunning really. Her style is minimal meets eclectic. She has a black pig with a tray balanced on its head in a corner. So……it’s not a side table then? Then we get to see her swing day bed. Have to say this is cool. Wouldn’t mind having one myself. Louise, Angela and Julia are left to gossip by David in the bar. Julia tells them she knew OF Gilda but not personally. Julia then says it was Anne who stated Gilda was a goldigger though she only implied it not said it but Julia actually said it first. Julia reveals she’s 18 and a half years younger than her husband. Julia says she’d want to know if someone had called her a goldigger. Angela tries to get Louise to “get the real story” about Gilda. Apparently Angela has heard something about Gilda but won’t say. She wants Louise and Julia to do the dirty work. Louise says “Gilda has been described in the past as *beep beep beep*”.  That was more than one word. Julia says the look an Angela’s face proves that’s what she’s heard but won’t say. Angela denies that.

The table was lovely and the food looked scrumptious (wasn’t hungry until now) but the girls dissed Michelle for not having service for dinner and that they had to serve themselves off platters like the rest of the poor sots in the world. Well they’ll just have to slum it poor dears. Angela starts by dominating the conversation talking about her healing session and what the healer does by “getting daggers out of your back”. Then we are subjected to more heavy creepy breathing in a flashback from the healer. Will it never stop? At least on the phone you can hang up. The women all think she’s as daft as I do. Angela is stumped by the girls not having any connection with their higher self. Louise doesn’t think Angela is being real. Now Angela moves  on to having your colours done and how it can transform people’s look. Ive had my colours done donkeys years ago and there is something to colours that complement you, but she seems to place some spiritual aspect on this somehow. Gilda when Angela asks says she does her own colours and style. Obviously Gilda has no idea what’s being discussed. Clueless. Everyone else does.

Angela is throwing her own daggers at Gilda and Gilda doesn’t know why she would do that. Again clueless. Julia takes Gilda aside to tell her Anne said she was a goldigger. While they’re gone Angela tells the table Gilda is known as a goldigger. Gilda comes back to the table and announces Anne said she was a goldigger. Everyone at the table gasps as if this wasn’t already spoken about.  Anne points out its just what people had supposed due to the age difference in her marriage. Anne and  Louise both state if your 25 and marry someone 47 years older there is more to it than just love. They were married 15 years and Gilda claims they’re still best friends. Gilda says she’d rather dig gold and shit. Angela brings up that people in general speak poorly of Gilda. Gilda calls Angela a gossip magnet. Angela refers to the conversation in the bar earlier with Louise and Julia (to which Julia’s expression is ‘don’t pull me in this’ though she started it) and says what was bleeped. Michelle’s got to pick her jaw up off the floor. Gilda smiles slightly. She’s obviously heard this before. Julia is horrified Angela said this though she instigated the conversation in the bar earlier. Again Gilda unloads on Angela while she smiles creepily. Angela is a dog with a bone. Angela can’t understand why Gilda doesn’t  care what people think like Gilda is dumb for this stance. Gilda doesn’t really help herself when she states she’s heard nothing about Angela. Gilda was trying to say Angela wasn’t significant enough for people to speak about but it was a barb that lost its thrust. I guess Gilda thinks bad press is better than no press. Angela leaves the tables…..again. She actually leaves this time. Angela thinks Gilda is small minded. Michelle says this is Gilda’s town and if Angela wants to fit in she needs to get on with Gilda.

Next week: Anne has a Pussy Galore party. Angela and Gilda feud continues.