First of all, these taglines are so unbearable that I need to remember to start watching my DVR a couple of minutes late to avoid them.
We are back at the two-year old birthday party where Shannon is acting like the two-year old. Lydia says she doesn’t want to hang out and have dinner with someone who acts like Shannon. Finally, the voice of reason has arrived. Tamra says “Shannon is in a fragile state.” From what exactly? Emasculating her husband the past two seasons? Embarrassing her children? Arguing with Vicki Gunvalson for a paycheck? These sound like things she chooses to do with her life. Meanwhile Shannon in ripping off her mike pack screaming she is not doing this anymore and yelling, “fuck all you guys!!!” at no one in particular. I mean, she’s screaming, “I’m done!” over and over ONE THE FIRST EPISODE. Perhaps this show is not healthy for her?
Was Peggy brought on just to rile everyone up about Vicki and the Brooks Cancer Scam? Can we please be done with that story line? I thought the whole point of these shows was to forget about things like cancer. Unfortunately, double mastectomy seems to be the drinking term. I have to fast forward through this. I’m sorry.
Tonight we meet Vicki’s new partner, Ali. Is this the guy who siphoned a bunch of money out of her business that she fired after only two months? She filed a police report on someone and I was wondering how he was able to get at her money. Apparently she wanted a partner to help her with the business because it was getting to large for her to run by herself. Especially with all the time that filming takes out of her schedule. Ah, they are talking about that now. It was NOT Ali. In fact he is there too ensure that the security measures are tightened up so that cannot happen again.
Dear lord, I have no idea why Shannon would do this to herself on national TV. Menopause is miserable enough without standing in front of a camera in all you gelatinous glory. I don’t even face forward on the doctors scale anymore. I just get on backwards, tell them to shut their mouths and write down the damn number. I do not want to know.
That said, she is going to a holistic guy for weight loss. I am all for holistic options when appropriate. But this is not a weight loss situation. This is a hormonal situation and you need to admit it’s menopause and not stress eating over Vicki Gunvalson discussing an actual situation (not a lie) that happened between Shannon and her husband. Protein shakes and diuretic teas are not the answer for this problem. I do sympathize with the crying in her talking heads though. It is a very life altering experience to go from a thin person to a ginormous person. The holistic guy is an asshole. I want to punch him in the face for Shannon. And I can’t stand Shannon.
The Quiet Woman
So Shannon is in a bad headspace going in to the Quiet Woman dinner. She has set her mind to treat this dinner like the Fat Tuesday before a very serious “lentil season.” She’s going to eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow she must diet.
So the evening begins with Lydia waiting with Peggy at the table for Tamra and Shannon to arrive. Lydia is the person tasked to officially introduce Peggy to the group. Peggy immediately feels some kind of way about people who build their own homes. And is not comprehending Shannon’s explanation of her “non-toxic” house that it took her six years to build.
Lydia tries to clear the air with Shannon. Shannon talks about herself and basically all her brain can focus on is her weight gain and how it is not normal. I totally understand this emotion, and why she leads with it a lot. But she is not among friends here. Peggy asked how she gained the weight and she said someone was saying her husband beats her. What Vicki said was that David pled guilty to domestic violence. Shannon needs to stop defending David for that and accusing Vickie of lying. Peggy says that she and her husband joke about him beating her all the time. It’s really not a laughing matter.
Despite Kelly telling Lydia that she was on a boat and not coming to dinner but would meet up with her afterward, Kelly and a friend of hers arrive at the bar. The fact that she was sent in while Shannon was in the bathroom and walked directly into the bathroom makes it clear this is a well-timed orchestration by production. Shannon realizes she has been set up by production immediately. Poor Shannon again leads with her shin. She immediately starts blurting out that she has gained forty pounds. I realize this looks ridiculous to most of you, but I totally get it. It’s her way of getting the elephant out of the room so that a little more air might be available.
Kelly, who lives across the street from The Quiet Woman lies to Shannon and said she had no idea they were going to be there. Kelly comes out of the stall to life up her shirt showing her firm belly and button up her size zero skinny jeans. #Brutal Kelly is drunk and her lip injections are simply awful. So there is that. Kelly leaves the bathroom and Shannon has a meltdown in the bathroom. Lydia prays for Shannon in the bathroom.
With little to no poking by Kelly, Shannon spins out of control and tells her that she has been nothing but a disgusting bitch to her. Um, look. I feel for Shannon because menopause is fucking awful. It really sucks. But let us not forget last season when Shannon led the pack of cunts to bully Kelly relentlessly for the entire season. So Kelly, vindictive treatment of Shannon is warranted. What comes around goes around. The way Kelly was treated last season was despicable, and Tamra was one of the worst ones. So I don’t blame Kelly a bit. Shannon tries to throw Kelly out of the restaurant and Kelly just laughs at her.
Then Kelly speaks the truth. She tells Shannon to calm down and suggests she go get some hormones “for her body.” I mean if there was a poster child for hormonal rage, and I was not available, Shannon would be perfect for the modeling job. But this button pushing by Kelly sends her off the charts. Shannon starts screaming, “fuck you!” at Kelly while flipping her off. Kelly gets up to walk away, but takes one final jab. “Keep eating,” she says as she leaves. Shannon goes full tilt batshit and throws the plate to the other side of the table while screaming, “THIS ISN’T MY PLATE YOU FUCKING BITCH!”
Game. Set. Match. Kelly Dodd.
And the second episode ends with Shannon screaming like a banshee that she is DONE!
Lydia and Peggy are sitting alone at the table while Tamra takes Shannon back in the bathroom where I presume she will try pray the crazy away. Both of them are too mortified to stand up and walk out. Once the take the walk of shame out to the sidewalk, Lydia apologizes to Peggy profusely for putting her in this embarrassing situation. Drunk ass, Kelly is standing inside the glass door with her mouth on the glass making window licking faces.
Tamra manages to cheer Shannon up by telling her that Kelly can go suck hairy balls.
Next Week: I won’t be recapping Kelly’s vaginal rejuvenation. I don’t care about Shannon’s kid learning how to drive and I sure don’t want to see Tamra’s son crying about his mean step dad who didn’t teach him how not to beat women. Sounds just dreadful.