Million Dollar Listing New York double feature: Ice, Ice Ryan and Co-List Or No-List

By The Lady Cocotte

Million Dollar Listing New York is getting screwed, y’all. Not only is it running the same time as the Big Brother live eviction episode (otherwise known as Tamara Tattles’ must watch show of the week), it’s also competing in a summer jam packed with RHOA filming news, baby mama drama and even Kardashian meltdowns. What’s a filthy rich New York real estate broker gotta do to get some love in these busy times? Bring in a second stringer, clearly. My name is The Lady Cocotte and I’m here to recap. It takes a village to cover reality television.

We start things off with last week’s episode. Ryan heads to Tribeca for a listing pitch. His douchie client makes him wait in a livingroom equipped for a James Bond villain, oversize fish tank and all. Finally the client arrives with a bikini babe in tow and the tour begins. Crocodile leather bannisters. Incredible Hulk wrapped sports car. Bulletproof windows. Methinks this client is making up for some small, uh, attributes. But Ryan doesn’t care. He knows he can find someone to tear out all the ridiculousness and make it into a nice little home. The douchelord bought the property in 2003 for 3.35 million. He did about 2 million in “improvements” and he wants to sell for $25 mil. Ryan talks him down to $24,885,000. He looks to make a $746,550 commission. Not too shabby.

Fredrik is back at the Beekman condos that he’s been selling for three years. Where he sold 44 million in the first night. Now the hotel downstairs is finally opening and he’s using the party to sell the final available condos. Everyone wants the penthouse but, gasp, it’s not completed. The developer is adamant that doesn’t want to show it yet. The completed condos are gorgeous but they’re not the penthouse! So Fredrik sneaks a buyer’s designer up behind the developer’s back. It works. Mr Sell knows his business.

Steve gets a call from his friend Sam. It’s an apology for kicking Steve (and his open house) out of his Chelsea apartment. Which leads to a lovely montage of brooding Steve. Thank you, MDLNY. Thank you. Steve opts for private viewings instead. The listing price is $1,250,00 for 850 square feet. The broker who seems most excited about the place doesn’t even have a buyer. He’s just there because he wants a listing in the building and needs to check out the competition. Sigh.

Fredrik gets the offer he’s been expecting on the penthouse but it’s 2 mil below asking price. Unfortunately, he legally has to submit the offer. Now the developer is going to find out he showed the penthouse. Oops. The developer refuses to even look at the offer. He knows the lowball is because they saw it unfinished. Now he’s questioning his entire relationship with Fredrik. Big oops.

Steve goes on a date with a Jersey girl. She’s pretty so naturally she’s an asshole. And dull. He asks what she does and she tells him she’s a buyer. Meaning she buys things for herself. Steve is annoyed he’s wasting his precious time on this zero but he never lets it show. His momma raised him right.

Ryan brings in Danny, one of his agents, in to help with the douchelord’s listing. This guy is perfect for the job. He’d fit right in in an Austin Powers’ movie. He’s also obsessed with fondling Ryan. NTTAWWT. His genius idea is to rent a tiger and let people feed it shish kabobs. Ryan loves the enthusiasm but quashes the tiger. On the night of the event, Danny is overly excited to show Ryan his gimmick for the Tribeca bat cave. After grabbing his ass, he introduces Ryan to ice sculpture Ryan. It’s terrifying. The listing is so packed I don’t know how anyone can even see the space. Lots of people want to make offers, but only to Danny. Ryan doesn’t mind. Either way he gets his check.

Steve brings Sam an offer of $1.15. Sam is bummed that’s it’s $100,000 less than asking. Steve doesn’t point out that he can’t do math and that it’s actually $75,000 less. Instead, he talks Sam into countering to see if there’s any wiggle room. When the buyer agrees to go up if he gets all of the furniture, Sam freaks out. He’s a designer. An artiste. Even one of his small tables goes for $50k. The only thing he’s willing to offer them is the bathroom waste can. What a dick. But they manage to make the sale without the precious, precious furniture. And Steve is done with this nightmare project.

The douchelord is harassing Ryan night and day, asking for an offer. He’s pissed that Danny responds to all of his calls. Everyone wants the big kahuna, not the small cheese. He tells Ryan that if Danny responds to even one more of his calls, he’s firing Ryan. When the credits roll on the episode, I realize with horror that this gross client gets a two story arc. Sigh. As the new episode opens, Ryan is miserable that he has to kick Danny off the Chelsea project. Danny makes it even harder, by being charming and logical. So Ryan makes the mature decision. He’s keeping Danny on the project, on the down-low. Yeah. This’ll work.

Steve has a new listing appointment in SoHo. It’s a 4,189 sq. ft. Penthouse with three terraces (and real grass), a TV that rises out of the floor and a private rooftop listing at $15,995,000. But it’s only two bedrooms. Hmmm. Steve agrees that the lack of bedrooms is going to be an issue. But the real problem with this listing is they already gave it to their friend, a commercial broker. Since she doesn’t know residential, they need Steve but since she’s a friend, they’re keeping her too. It’s going to be a co-listing. That sounds like twice the work with half the profits to me. The other broker works at Steve’s firm so he has to handle the situation delicately. The client strokes his ego until he gives in. And let the drama begin!

Fredrik decides that the only way to get out of his Beekman penthouse debacle is to get a higher bid. But he can’t find the designer, the buyer or the buyer’s broker anywhere. His driver suggests looking on social media and it works. He tracks the designer to a restaurant but narrowly misses him. He finally gets in touch with the designer and talks him into raising the offer. It’s not full ask so he brings Minnie, his adorable dog, along to his meeting with the developer. No one can be grouchy with a cute puppy. Except someone with allergies. Oops. Minnie goes back in the car and Fredrik has to rely on his own charm once again. He tries to make the $11.2 offer sound amazing but is it close enough to the $11,995,000 asking price to get him out of hot water? Nope. And getting fired is still on the table. He escapes to the car and gets the buyer up to $11.6. It’s a record for a penthouse apartment and he talks the developer into it. Whew! That was stressful.

Ryan brings the douchelord an unusual offer. A $600,000 rental for a year. Furnished. The douchelord is intrigued. He wants to know all about the renters but Ryan doesn’t have the answers. You see, he didn’t find these renters. Danny did. The douchelord still wants to sell. He decides he’ll go for the rental option if the renters allow them to show the place to potential buyers. The renters agree and this storyline is finally over. Maybe.

Steve meets with Lori, his co-lister. He tells her how they need to sell the apartment but she has her own ideas. Yeah, because she’s the residential expert, right? She argues with everything he says. She’s a cougar who’s used to getting her way. This is going to be tricky. Mistake number one is Lori’s early morning open house. Ironically, Lori doesn’t bother to show up. But then again, neither do the buyers. At the hour Steve suggested for the open house, the buyers start streaming in. But still no Lori. And she still gets half the commission. Three hours late, Lori swans into the open house. She grabs buyers that Steve has already shown the place to so they can see it through her eyes. Somehow Steve manages to keep his cool but the anger is simmering.

Now that the douchelord nightmare is somewhat finalized, Ryan has time to focus on a new Chelsea listing. Ryan is confused. It’s gorgeous but after seven months, only one of the six units has sold. The first unit he tours is a 2,410 sq. ft. 3 bedroom with incredibly high ceilings and tons of light. The listing price is $4,450,000. Another, slightly larger unit has a private terrace for $5 mil. The penthouse is stunning and lists for $5.35. Ryan thinks they’re actually underpriced. So why haven’t they sold? Well, it might have something to do with the noisy construction site next door. That doesn’t scare Ryan. This is New York. There’s always construction going on. His only demand is he have complete control of the marketing. The developer is desperate. Ryan gets the listing, his way.

Fredrik and Ryan meet for lunch. The last time they saw each other, they kind of made up. Or so Fredrik believes. Things are awkward until Luis joins them. It’s clear that Fredrik really, really loves the kid. Luis is super excited about moving to Paris in five days. The other guys aren’t as sure about it. It’s a risky, crazy thing to do. And Luis’ reasons for going don’t really make sense. But he’s literally glowing with happiness. His friends just can’t get on board. Fredrik pouts. He leaves unconvinced. It shakes Luis up a little but he knows in his heart that this is right for him. He stands by his decision. Ryan eventually gives his best wishes. He doesn’t think it’ll work out but he hopes it does. And that’s enough for Luis. For now.

Ryan meets with his Chelsea developer to tell him his big idea for the open house: nothing. No gimmicks. No hoopla. Let the apartments be the star. The developer likes it but he wants more. He came to Ryan for his crazy reputation. Ryan assures him they’ll get a huge crowd. He won’t tell anyone what he’s doing so anticipation of his latest stunt will pack the place. Once they’re there, the apartment will sell itself. The developer gets on board but warns that if it doesn’t work, they’ll have to find someone else. It’s do or die time.

Next week: Fredrik gets a huge listing in the East Village and explores how gentrifying a neighborhood affects lives. Steve is caught in traffic and jumps on a bicycle to get to a listing in time. Ryan unveils his stunt-less stunt. Will it work? Dum dum dum.