Million Dollar Listing New York is getting screwed, y’all. Not only is it running the same time as the Big Brother live eviction episode (otherwise known as Tamara Tattles’ must watch show of the week), it’s also competing in a summer jam packed with RHOA filming news, baby mama drama and even Kardashian meltdowns. What’s a filthy rich New York real estate broker gotta do to get some love in these busy times? Bring in a second stringer, clearly. My name is The Lady Cocotte and I’m here to recap. It takes a village to cover reality television.
We start things off with last week’s episode. Ryan heads to Tribeca for a listing pitch. His douchie client makes him wait in a livingroom equipped for a James Bond villain, oversize fish tank and all. Finally the client arrives with a bikini babe in tow and the tour begins. Crocodile leather bannisters. Incredible Hulk wrapped sports car. Bulletproof windows. Methinks this client is making up for some small, uh, attributes. But Ryan doesn’t care. He knows he can find someone to tear out all the ridiculousness and make it into a nice little home. The douchelord bought the property in 2003 for 3.35 million. He did about 2 million in “improvements” and he wants to sell for $25 mil. Ryan talks him down to $24,885,000. He looks to make a $746,550 commission. Not too shabby.
Fredrik is back at the Beekman condos that he’s been selling for three years. Where he sold 44 million in the first night. Now the hotel downstairs is finally opening and he’s using the party to sell the final available condos. Everyone wants the penthouse but, gasp, it’s not completed. The developer is adamant that doesn’t want to show it yet. The completed condos are gorgeous but they’re not the penthouse! So Fredrik sneaks a buyer’s designer up behind the developer’s back. It works. Mr Sell knows his business.
Steve gets a call from his friend Sam. It’s an apology for kicking Steve (and his open house) out of his Chelsea apartment. Which leads to a lovely montage of brooding Steve. Thank you, MDLNY. Thank you. Steve opts for private viewings instead. The listing price is $1,250,00 for 850 square feet. The broker who seems most excited about the place doesn’t even have a buyer. He’s just there because he wants a listing in the building and needs to check out the competition. Sigh.
Fredrik gets the offer he’s been expecting on the penthouse but it’s 2 mil below asking price. Unfortunately, he legally has to submit the offer. Now the developer is going to find out he showed the penthouse. Oops. The developer refuses to even look at the offer. He knows the lowball is because they saw it unfinished. Now he’s questioning his entire relationship with Fredrik. Big oops.
Steve goes on a date with a Jersey girl. She’s pretty so naturally she’s an asshole. And dull. He asks what she does and she tells him she’s a buyer. Meaning she buys things for herself. Steve is annoyed he’s wasting his precious time on this zero but he never lets it show. His momma raised him right.
Ryan brings in Danny, one of his agents, in to help with the douchelord’s listing. This guy is perfect for the job. He’d fit right in in an Austin Powers’ movie. He’s also obsessed with fondling Ryan. NTTAWWT. His genius idea is to rent a tiger and let people feed it shish kabobs. Ryan loves the enthusiasm but quashes the tiger. On the night of the event, Danny is overly excited to show Ryan his gimmick for the Tribeca bat cave. After grabbing his ass, he introduces Ryan to ice sculpture Ryan. It’s terrifying. The listing is so packed I don’t know how anyone can even see the space. Lots of people want to make offers, but only to Danny. Ryan doesn’t mind. Either way he gets his check.
Steve brings Sam an offer of $1.15. Sam is bummed that’s it’s $100,000 less than asking. Steve doesn’t point out that he can’t do math and that it’s actually $75,000 less. Instead, he talks Sam into countering to see if there’s any wiggle room. When the buyer agrees to go up if he gets all of the furniture, Sam freaks out. He’s a designer. An artiste. Even one of his small tables goes for $50k. The only thing he’s willing to offer them is the bathroom waste can. What a dick. But they manage to make the sale without the precious, precious furniture. And Steve is done with this nightmare project.
The douchelord is harassing Ryan night and day, asking for an offer. He’s pissed that Danny responds to all of his calls. Everyone wants the big kahuna, not the small cheese. He tells Ryan that if Danny responds to even one more of his calls, he’s firing Ryan. When the credits roll on the episode, I realize with horror that this gross client gets a two story arc. Sigh. As the new episode opens, Ryan is miserable that he has to kick Danny off the Chelsea project. Danny makes it even harder, by being charming and logical. So Ryan makes the mature decision. He’s keeping Danny on the project, on the down-low. Yeah. This’ll work.
Steve has a new listing appointment in SoHo. It’s a 4,189 sq. ft. Penthouse with three terraces (and real grass), a TV that rises out of the floor and a private rooftop listing at $15,995,000. But it’s only two bedrooms. Hmmm. Steve agrees that the lack of bedrooms is going to be an issue. But the real problem with this listing is they already gave it to their friend, a commercial broker. Since she doesn’t know residential, they need Steve but since she’s a friend, they’re keeping her too. It’s going to be a co-listing. That sounds like twice the work with half the profits to me. The other broker works at Steve’s firm so he has to handle the situation delicately. The client strokes his ego until he gives in. And let the drama begin!
Fredrik decides that the only way to get out of his Beekman penthouse debacle is to get a higher bid. But he can’t find the designer, the buyer or the buyer’s broker anywhere. His driver suggests looking on social media and it works. He tracks the designer to a restaurant but narrowly misses him. He finally gets in touch with the designer and talks him into raising the offer. It’s not full ask so he brings Minnie, his adorable dog, along to his meeting with the developer. No one can be grouchy with a cute puppy. Except someone with allergies. Oops. Minnie goes back in the car and Fredrik has to rely on his own charm once again. He tries to make the $11.2 offer sound amazing but is it close enough to the $11,995,000 asking price to get him out of hot water? Nope. And getting fired is still on the table. He escapes to the car and gets the buyer up to $11.6. It’s a record for a penthouse apartment and he talks the developer into it. Whew! That was stressful.
Ryan brings the douchelord an unusual offer. A $600,000 rental for a year. Furnished. The douchelord is intrigued. He wants to know all about the renters but Ryan doesn’t have the answers. You see, he didn’t find these renters. Danny did. The douchelord still wants to sell. He decides he’ll go for the rental option if the renters allow them to show the place to potential buyers. The renters agree and this storyline is finally over. Maybe.
Steve meets with Lori, his co-lister. He tells her how they need to sell the apartment but she has her own ideas. Yeah, because she’s the residential expert, right? She argues with everything he says. She’s a cougar who’s used to getting her way. This is going to be tricky. Mistake number one is Lori’s early morning open house. Ironically, Lori doesn’t bother to show up. But then again, neither do the buyers. At the hour Steve suggested for the open house, the buyers start streaming in. But still no Lori. And she still gets half the commission. Three hours late, Lori swans into the open house. She grabs buyers that Steve has already shown the place to so they can see it through her eyes. Somehow Steve manages to keep his cool but the anger is simmering.
Now that the douchelord nightmare is somewhat finalized, Ryan has time to focus on a new Chelsea listing. Ryan is confused. It’s gorgeous but after seven months, only one of the six units has sold. The first unit he tours is a 2,410 sq. ft. 3 bedroom with incredibly high ceilings and tons of light. The listing price is $4,450,000. Another, slightly larger unit has a private terrace for $5 mil. The penthouse is stunning and lists for $5.35. Ryan thinks they’re actually underpriced. So why haven’t they sold? Well, it might have something to do with the noisy construction site next door. That doesn’t scare Ryan. This is New York. There’s always construction going on. His only demand is he have complete control of the marketing. The developer is desperate. Ryan gets the listing, his way.
Fredrik and Ryan meet for lunch. The last time they saw each other, they kind of made up. Or so Fredrik believes. Things are awkward until Luis joins them. It’s clear that Fredrik really, really loves the kid. Luis is super excited about moving to Paris in five days. The other guys aren’t as sure about it. It’s a risky, crazy thing to do. And Luis’ reasons for going don’t really make sense. But he’s literally glowing with happiness. His friends just can’t get on board. Fredrik pouts. He leaves unconvinced. It shakes Luis up a little but he knows in his heart that this is right for him. He stands by his decision. Ryan eventually gives his best wishes. He doesn’t think it’ll work out but he hopes it does. And that’s enough for Luis. For now.
Ryan meets with his Chelsea developer to tell him his big idea for the open house: nothing. No gimmicks. No hoopla. Let the apartments be the star. The developer likes it but he wants more. He came to Ryan for his crazy reputation. Ryan assures him they’ll get a huge crowd. He won’t tell anyone what he’s doing so anticipation of his latest stunt will pack the place. Once they’re there, the apartment will sell itself. The developer gets on board but warns that if it doesn’t work, they’ll have to find someone else. It’s do or die time.
Next week: Fredrik gets a huge listing in the East Village and explores how gentrifying a neighborhood affects lives. Steve is caught in traffic and jumps on a bicycle to get to a listing in time. Ryan unveils his stunt-less stunt. Will it work? Dum dum dum.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is how you recap this show.
Thank you Lady C for agreeing to do these recaps. And for doing them better than I could have
You are the BESTEST!.
PS, It is 7 am and I am still watching the live feeds…. #addicted
I vote that the producers dump Steve Gold and bring on Danny. Loved Danny!
VETOED. I love me some Steve. He is on the show in place of Luis who it appears that Ryan and Fredrik both made clear to production that the third guy has to have the spin of “not as good as they are.”
I would let this happen if Steve got a spinoff show called Steve Gold: Brooding, and it was just an hour of montages of Steve brooding and/or topless.
I am down with this spinoff. Especially if he was brooding in the shower. Do you think he showers?
My Lady, what a way with words you have. Absolutely loved your recap and can’t wait for more. Great episode.
Thank you to Lady C for great recap! I watch, mainly for the real estate porn, but come here for all the tidbits I miss!
More shots of Steve in the gym and less of Danny fondling people.
I LOVE MDLNY!!!! It was awesome to see Luis, and I miss him. However, he has to follow his heart and soul or he will regret it. Steve Gold is A ok with me. He is like a fish tank, I could just watch him do nothing for hours! LOL
Thank you Lady C for keeping up with our boys. They make my Thursday nights perfect.
The secret to keeping up with the reality shows one loves is the precious DVR. I can hardly remember when I had to stay home on certain nights and then choose between two well-loved shows. Frederick still rubs me the wrong way, but sometimes I feel sorry for him. I’m appalled at how sellers talk to their agents, I’m assuming their bad manners are put on for the cameras. Great re-cap, thanks.
Tired of obnoxious sellers & developers. Would like to see more of the spouses. Still think Steve was better in the promos–too long-suffering in the show. Too much of a long-running shtick now.
Lady C. Great recap. I’d never give up MDLNY for BB, yummy men, homes!
Sellers and developers seem to be horrible on this show, the brokers have deep running patience.
Lady Cocotte: GREAT writing! You’ve really got it. You’re one of the recapping greats, which is rare. Very rare.
I am finally catching up now. The second episode just started with Ryan in Beautique have drinks with his co-lister. The Regency can’t be far away….
I don’t know why production found it necessary for Fred and Ryan to crap on Luis’ dream, In real life I believe they were a lot more encouraging. At least on social media.
When Luis decided to move to Paris, he went through a lot of culture shock and loneliness at first and questioned his decisions. We saw a lot of alcohol fueled videos of him wandering the streets of Paris on a roller coaster of emotions. But lately he seems really happy he is traveling the world, taking acting classes and trying to …I hate the term “find yourself” but is what he is doing and he clearly has A LOT of money to do it because he’s dining in castles with groups of friends he managed to find and clearly, someone is with him taking all of the Instagram photos of him.
Despite what Fred said it was very obvious Luis was no longer happy in NYC. And as Luis says he’s a #happyholic so I am happy for him. NYC is not going anywhere.
Yay! Thanks for all compliments. I really enjoyed this recap. Although I’m still haunted by that ice sculpture Ryan…
This comment from Luis on IG is why I love him.
luisdortizI just saw this clip from last week’s episode of Million Dollar Listing where I tell Fredrik and Ryan that I was leaving to Paris. This is very interesting to me. This was shot days before I moved to Paris almost 5 months ago. I remember how it felt. Almost everyone was against it. Mostly, because they cared about me and wanted a safe lane for me. Today, almost 5 months after, I watch this for the first time and think about all the things I have seen, all the things I have experienced, all the people I have met, all the different perspectives I have adopted, all the connections my brain has made in order to understand more clearly that everything is in our heads – the way we react, the way we feel. And all I can think of now, watching this, is how grateful and happy I am for being able to follow my heart regardless of the fears caused by outside influences and my own uncertainties of the future. Is Paris the right place for me? Not necessarily. Was the move to Paris essential to the process of my journey as a man who wants to live life to the fullest by learning more about himself everyday through other people, places and cultures? ONE HUNDRED PERCENT! This will serve as a reminder that when something feels right I should go for it without hesitation! Let’s go!