By Guest Contributor Becky J.
Here we are at the season finale of RHOP and I still can’t commit to loving it. The nicest thing I can say is that it’s not the worst Housewives franchise ever. And let’s be honest, even the worst real housewives episode is still more entertaining than real life most days.
The only cast member whose storyline evolved this season is Ashley. Charrisse is still stuck in delusional divorce limbo, Robyn is still pining for Juan, Gizelle is still a thirsty trick and Monique is still showing off. Who knows WTF is going on with Karen. The most notable thing that has changed in my mind when it comes to Karen is I’ve shifted from being driven to distraction by her giant mole, to being disgusted by her hair.
This week’s episode begins back at Charrisse’s champagne room reveal party. The women are questioning Karen about her new home in Great Falls and she just got done calling Ashley an idiot. Ashley had the nerve to suggest Karen will have to give up her imaginary title of Head Bitch of Potomac. I’m baffled that these women spend so much time arguing about pretend titles and distinctions. Who cares about the “host” of a vacation is? Who cares who calls you the Grand Dame of Potomac? At least the women in other cities fight about tangible things like cheating boyfriends and destroyed property (Ramona, you crazy bitch, you ruined that chair and tore paint off the walls at Dorinda’s).
Karen announces that she will be hosting a 20 year anniversary in her new home and maybe not everybody will be invited. She means Ashley. Also, the theme is just “exotic” which is so fucking absurd. These women are really harboring secret stripper fantasies. First, we have a “champagne room” and now a wedding anniversary with an “exotic” theme. Please, please let somebody dress like a stripper!
Robyn is cleaning a huge box of her boys’ outgrown shoes. Can somebody send me a link to her eBay store? Her kids have some fly kicks. Juan comes in and they talk about how much attention she got from men in Bermuda. She tells him the therapist assigned her to go on a date, but she didn’t go. Juan looks perplexed. Robyn expresses her desire to have more than just a co-parent/housemate friendship with Juan. He seems receptive and they decide to spend six months rekindling their romance and if it doesn’t work, go their separate ways. Finally! We have some progress. I’m relieved, but I also feel that this easy resolution after an entire season of angst supports my theory that they were pretending for the cameras cuz they wanted to dominate the storyline and need money.
I’m completely baffled by Karen’s new “downsized” home. It’s a mansion with nine bedrooms and she doesn’t even have the furniture to fill it. Is she just leasing it to seem fancy for the anniversary party and the last episode? That must be it. Karen and Ray are unpacking and she tells him she wants to go christen the new house. Barf. I get it that she’s trying to seem youthful and sexy, but I’m so sick of her dirty talk to Ray. She tries too hard. Pun intended.
Gizelle is meeting Kevin to tell him she just wants to be friends. It’s really fake since they were never more than friends to begin with. She says she’s gonna have about eight drinks until he thinks it was his idea. Literally nobody cares.
The women go over to see Monique’s new mansion in Potomac, which she owns. Karen tells her she and Ray were house-hunting in the same neighborhood and they just didn’t find anything they liked. Yeah right. They sage the place and it must work to remove the bad energy cuz Karen officially invites Ashley to the anniversary party.
The ladies go shopping for “Bollywood” outfits for the party. On the day of, Karen gives Ray her super-awkward boudoir picture and calls him her sexy African king. Too much. The guests arrive and everybody is speculating about the quick move and the large new house. The guests are standing around with no drinks while they wait for Karen’s grand entrance. They’re dressed in a mixed bag of Indian, business casual and Goodwill chic/Solid Gold dancer wear. Monique is a showstopper in her native American princess stripper garb. And I got my wish.
The party is an extravaganza. There is an Indian dance troupe, a fire breather, a henna tattoo station and a belly dancer. Karen and Ray make an entrance and greet their public from a balcony like some sort of royal couple. This is clearly the only reason Karen picked this house, which is indeed a 24-month rental as it turns out. The party adjourns to an outdoor tent where Ray and Karen do a weird pseudo African sex dance, toast one another and make out. More nausea. Karen corners Charrisse and gives her a passive-aggressive speech about how it takes a big person to attend a big, fabulous anniversary party like hers when your’e going through a nasty divorce. Does it really though?
Karen’s daughter announces a special message, which is Karen’s mom on speaker phone. Karen breaks down in sobs and I feel that that’s just about enough of the many faces of Karen. Good thing it’s the finale cuz I don’t think I can take much more of this.
Next week on the (blessedly only one part) finale, everyone accuses Charrisse of having several boyfriends, Charrisse says Karen has a boyfriend, Ashley’s hair looks gorgeous and Robyn screams that SHE’S FINE. See you then!