By Guest Contributor Becky J.
Farrah and her family (plus gross Simon) are still on vacation in Key West. Her mom’s fiance David is ignoring her, probably in an attempt to avoid a nasty confrontation about how her personality sucks. So, we know that’s coming.
Later, Simon, Farrah her mom and Sophia go to get mani-pedis. At Simon’s urging, the conversation takes a turn toward Deb’s wedding and Farrah’s relationship with David. Farrah says she thinks it’s sad that David hates her. This is an exact quote from Simon, who planted that idea in her crazy head hours before knowing it was like a timebomb. He must be on the production payroll. There’s really no other explanation. Farrah goes off on her mom, Simon pretends to defend Deb and David, but looks happier in this scene than he has all season. He must feel relevant. He’s smiling with all his teeth showing like a fucking maniacal killer.
Deb reaches the breaking point, because that’s how she rolls. The screams and cusses in the middle of the nail salon and says she wants to die. Farrah accuses her of throwing a fit. Sophia is sitting in the chair right next to her, listening to all of this. This is the most heartbreaking part. I hope Farrah watches this footage back in 10 years when she’s trying to figure out why Sophia doesn’t want a relationship with her.
Later, they go to ice cream. Deb is pouting and acting like she has no part in the conflict between David and Farrah. David decides to make dinner for the group. Ugh, this is getting old. David and Farrah fight during dinner, he tells her she needs therapy, she tells him he sucks as a doctor (he’s a psychologist) and he tells her to fuck off. It’s about time.
Maci is trying to reach out to Ryan to talk about the drug use allegations and he’s not responding. She has apparently been to an Alanon meeting or therapy since the last episode. Instead of leading with ultimatums about keeping Bentley from Ryan, she’s talking about how it’s a life or death situation and she can’t control Ryan, but she’s super scared. Good for her. This is a mess. She realizes that if she talks to Mackenzie it’s going to make her look like a shit-stirrer and she’s avoiding Jen and Larry since she bashed them at lunch with Mackenzie. I really think she needs get over herself and to talk to them.
Ryan is playing with remote control trucks at his parents’ house. Mackenzie is making phone calls and apparently she and Ryan are getting married—like today. She says this is because the lawyers advised her and Ryan that being legally married is better for the custody case for Bentley. When she tells Ryan they’re getting married in a few hours and they need to pick up their marriage license, he says okay. Then he asks if he needs to be there or maybe he can just do it over the phone. Then he leaves with a backpack, saying he needs a haircut.
Mackenzie goes to borrow/rent a wedding dress to wear. Ryan got his haircut and is dressed and looking good. They are on the way to the 6 pm wedding at 6:10. They get in the car and that’s when we realize things are fucked. Ryan got more than just a haircut, he got HIGH.
Like, so high on heroin or some other downer that he can’t keep his eyes open. He’s literally nodding off behind the wheel of his car on the freeway while Mack sits next to him in a wedding dress. It’s so sad. The dash cams capture the changing expressions on her face. She goes from just being pissed, like “this fucker just got high again and we’re on our way to get married” to “I might actually die right now in this car.” Ryan is just rubbing his nose and babbling incoherently like a fucking junkie.
She finally reaches over and turns off the dash cameras, but the mic picks her up asking him if he, “took Xanax again.” Jay-zus, this is an intense finale!
They arrive at the riverside site for the ceremony. It looks hot as hell. Ryan’s mom Jen is sobbing because this is not how she envisioned the wedding. Ryan comforts her, asks her for a kiss, then a “better kiss” because the first one wasn’t good enough. Um, BARF. Ryan wears sunglasses during the entire ceremony cuz he’s high AF. I hate this so much! Jen does too and she can’t get a hold on herself.
Tyler and Cate drop Nova at daycare/preschool and then go home to begin a busy day of sitting at their dining room table. They are waiting to hear if their offer was accepted on the new octagon farmhouse. Catelynn decides to go to the stable where she rode a horse one time and volunteer. She wants to buy a horse, but doesn’t know anything about them. I guess it’s nice that she’s trying to learn, unlike Farrah. Where is Farrah’s mini horse these days?
The offer on the farmhouse was accepted. They talk about how this is their dream house. Moving is the WORST, why do they keep choosing to do it? It seems like they are trying to distract themselves from real life.
Gary is considering letting Leah stay with Amber on school nights. Amber is in LA for the MTV TV & Movie Awards and Matt is with her, but he’s not appearing on the red carpet with her since she’s super pissed about the latest cheating scandal. Amber is still saying that she and Matt are planning on doing counseling, but that obviously never happened.
While still in LA, yet another woman contacts Amber with cheating text messages from Matt. He is a disgusting, lying slimebag. He wants to take a lie-detector test to prove his innocence, but Amber is sounding done. She’s crying to the producer about how their finances and lives are so entangled it will be difficult to make a clean break. That was such a stupid mistake. Why would she cut some nobody drug addict she met on Twitter in on her MTV dough? Gawd, she’s too dumb to LIVE.
On the day of the polygraph, Matt and Amber fight some more. Amber meets with the polygraph administrator and he asks why she wants to do this. She explains the background of the relationship and the cheating allegations. The guy’s face says it all. I want to scream and throw shit at the TV. When it’s time for the results, there is a guy named Raul there for security at the request of production. I’m laughing at this because the room is like 10’ by 10’ so if somebody goes nuts, basically everybody’s getting hit regardless.
The results are in. Of course they make no sense because this is the worst storyline ever. Matt passed the polygraph in regards to cheating and having “sexual communication” with other women, but failed the question about making sexual advances toward a specific person (whose name is bleeped, but I think it’s this Tiffany chick). So how do you make sexual advances without having sexual communication?
Amber goes nuts. Raul has to step in and Amber is ushered from the room. Matt is confused, as usual. He asks the administrator what the result means. Amber has a meltdown in the elevator and outside on the sidewalk, crying about how is she gonna explain this to Leah. What? Leah has her dad, who has done his best to protect her. Leah has a stable home and two parents who love her. This should be the least of her worries. Leah will be fine (well, not really) but Amber seriously needs to worry about herself and her coins.
This was probably the most insane Teen Mom finale I’ve ever seen. I can’t wait for to see what Dr. Drew says about all of this. Next week, the finale check-in special!