By Guest Contributor Becky J.
I’m late with this recap because there are so many better shows to watch. Can you believe there is only one episode of RHOP left this season? I CAN. To me, it feels like it’s been three years since season two started. But, I’m sticking with it until the bitter end (keyword bitter), so here we go.
This week, we pick up where we left off in Bermuda, with a sunset cruise that Charrisse planned after the two groups of women spent the day apart. The “elite” cruise seems to be just the Potomac women and every halfway decent male escort Charrisse could find on the island.
Robyn is awkward while pretending to be open-minded to finding a date, per her therapist’s assignment. Charrisse corners a guy, introduces herself as “Cha-Cha” (eye roll) and he immediately expresses interest in Robyn instead of her tired old ass. Cha-Cha calls Robyn over and the three engage in one of the most horrifying casual conversations ever. Robyn comments that it looks like the guy shaves his legs. He says go ahead and touch them, but instructs her specifically to use one finger, not two. Eeeeew! She bravely forges ahead and asks him politely about an apparent ankle injury. He replies that it is a “pretty crazy” sex injury involving a fan. Not sure what type of fan he’s talking about, but I’m going to guess he was doing some sort of creative masturbating with a ceiling fan based on the off-the-charts creep factor.
Monique and Gizelle make a big show of hugging and proving they are made up. Whatever. Some of the ladies are still pissed at Karen for taking Gizelle and Monique to sail with Team Japan without so much as a text message. I see both sides. Even though I don’t understand what the big deal about being a hostess on a group vacay is, it sucks that Charrisse was told she could “host” a day and then everybody took off without telling her. I definitely understand why Karen would want to take advantage of the opportunity to tour the America’s Cup boat, I guess but I think she should have communicated better with the women who weren’t invited. Charrisse confronts Karen and they have a trashy fight. Karen bashes the boat trip that she’s on and Charrisse calls Karen broke, saying she spent more on that boat trip than Karen’s net worth. Those male hookers are expensive! Gawd.
The next day, the women attend a cricket match. Once again, I’m disappointed in their lack of ability to simply Google unfamiliar places and situations. First, they didn’t understand horse races, then they didn’t know what ocean Bermuda was in, now they have no concept of cricket. Ashley thinks it might be croquet and Gizelle thought she was going to a polo match. They are so stupid it’s starting to physically hurt me to watch. They all wear white, drink beers and flirt with the guys, who try to explain the game. It looks hot as hell. A young polo player named Carl catches Gizelle’s eye because he looks exactly like her. She says she wants to “rub up” on him and dump Kevin. I honestly think he looks like he could be her son.
There is a Bermuda pajama party to celebrate Charrisse’s b-day and wrap up the trip. Karen and Cha-Cha meet up in advance and have a ridiculous conversation where they discuss making peace because the other women depend on them to be examples and leadership. WTF? I doubt it. The thing about being a grown-up is that you recognize that age really doesn’t equate wisdom. I wouldn’t want anything either of these ladies have. Ashley’s pajamas are mismatched workout clothes. Gizelle says no wonder Michael has “dried up pancake penis” which is gross and kinda funny, considering his clay penis from a couple weeks ago. Monique fronts/talks about how her rap career stalled out when she wouldn’t sleep with people to get ahead. She raps for the ladies and that begins an embarrassing rap around the world. They all sound stupid, but they’re not fighting and having fun.
Back at home, Robyn goes back to the therapist and reports that she has not gone on dates with other men because she still wants to be with Juan. It’s frustrating to watch and probably annoying for the therapist, too. Ashley attends a meeting with Michael and the Oz staff. Before the meeting, he pulls her aside and tell her he has basically removed her managerial responsibilities regarding the restaurant so she can go back to being a good little wife. She handles this news much more graciously than I would have, then makes a thinly veiled reference to fucking Michael on his desk. I wanted to pretend that didn’t happen, but I feel like everybody reading this should suffer with me.
Charrisse is preparing for her ridiculous champagne room unveiling party. It’s a big stupid event for her, complete with catering, white-glove servants and a caftan costume. Wait, are we at Pat’s house? The women act impressed. Charrisse found some of those giant scissors they use to do ribbon-cutting ceremonies and made a sign that said her name. I can’t. The champagne room is a small, pretty grey room with a full-wall fridge for champagne. I’m relieved when Monique starts joking around about the chairs being perfect for lap dances/sex because I was beginning to think all the women drank the Koolaid (champagne) and forgot what an actual champagne room was.
After the unveiling, Karen “casually” mentions that she just came from a meeting with her interior designer because she moved to Great Falls. The women go nuts. Robyn says it sounds backwards to be decorating a rental. Karen says she doesn’t care what she thinks. Not nice, but fair enough. Ashley tells her she can’t be the Grand Dame of Potomac anymore and maybe maybe Monique deserves the title. That sends Karen over the edge! She can’t take the indignity! She says she will hang onto her title until she’s good and ready to hand it over and calls Ashley an idiot. I can’t believe they are fighting about this.
No new episode next week, then the finale. See you there!