By Guest Contributor Becky J.
This week, the Potomac ladies are heading off to Bermuda. Gizelle’s mom is coming to stay with her three girls, Robyn deserves a break because her boys are exhausting and Charrisse is bringing her third-person alter-ego “Cha-Cha” to have some fun (which means act nasty and cry about her divorce).
Karen is leaving her husband to manage the move to a new house while she’s in Bermuda. It’s clear that she is having some feelings about leaving Potomac for Great Falls, which is just across the river, like two miles away. I guess it’s gonna be a huge culture shock for her. Side note: Who lets their husband handle a big move? Last time I moved, I had a clipboard and a whistle and I spent a whole day bossing around movers and husband like a drill sergeant. Karen is at least as crazy and controlling as me. Something is fishy about this move…
Karen is still very busy trying to make sure everybody recognizes she is the hostess of the Bermuda trip. WHO CARES? I have never heard so much chatter about who is hosting a trip in all my years of advanced Real Housewives studies. It’s absolutely ridiculous. The questions, confusion, debate and speculation on this topic continues well into the second day of vacation, which completely defeats the purpose of getting away to relax. It reeks of manufactured drama between Charrisse and Karen.
The women fly to Bermuda and Gizelle and Monique don’t speak. The women discuss the hostess thing some more and I want to murder them all. Ashley’s traveling ensemble is a stretchy grey catsuit that reminds me of a high school wrestler. Robyn and Gizelle don’t know which ocean they are in. C’mon people! You’re going on a fun trip, take a minute to check out a fucking Google map. Also, I don’t think the resort looks that great. The decor is dated and it’s far from the beach. Charrisse flirts with the bellman, because desperate for attention.
Karen has planned a welcome dinner. She discusses the arrangements with the hotel event manager, instructing him that the “Huger name” is on this. He stares blankly, as well he should. She says she wants to create and environment for “warm moment, fuzzy, fuzzy girl bonding—but elegant, much the socks you’re wearing.” I’m expecting fuzzy, pink floral socks. The camera pans down to his plain black knee high socks. I die laughing.
Karen has arranged traditional Gombey dancers for the pre-meal entertainment. It’s cool, except the bull-whip and masks over their faces, which scare me a tiny bit. Monique talks about how she’s about to “pop a squat” to pee and Gizelle says off-camera she must only read from the Urban Dictionary. But when Ashley casually mentions her “coochie sweat” it’s fine. Whatever. Everybody argues some more about who’s hosting. Psycho knife stabbing music plays in my head. Robyn reveals that her therapist suggested she go on a couple dates. Karen is like, yeah right, that’ll never happen. Monique casually tries to connect with Karen over moving because they both recently bought new houses. Karen deflects and is super defensive. Is she bankrupt or something? WTF?
Karen has an evil plan to make Monique and Gizelle bond by inviting them on a once-in-a-lifetime sailing excursion on one of the America’s Cup boats—without the other ladies. On the bus, Gizelle tells Monique she wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her husband’s money. Monique wins this conversation by keeping her cool in the moment, but responding in her interview scene with the exact retort I may or may not have yelled at the TV (hey, some men do it over sports, why can’t I?). Something along the lines as Gizelle wouldn’t be on the show either, if not for her famously philandering EX-husband, at least Monique is married, happy and rich.
Meanwhile, Charrisse is awkwardly jet-skiing with Robyn and Ashley. Remember how she can’t swim and hired a guy to give her lessons last season? Monique and Gizelle trauma-bond over the experience on the racing boat, which involves some GI Joe shit, like laying flat on a net over the water, then dodging the boom to get to the seats. Karen is pleased with herself because her objective was to get them talking and now they are. The problem is, she forgot to mention this entire excursion to the other ladies. She just ditched them without so much as a text. Awesome manners, Mrs. Grande Damn hostess.
Back at the hotel, Robyn takes it upon herself to visit Karen’s room while she gets her hair done to complain about being left out of the boat ride. She also comes down on Karen for going at Charrisse over the hostess thing. She basically said Charrisse is having a hard enough time in life, so cut her some slack. Karen is sweet and dismissive to Robyn’s face, then goes on a tirade. She says Charrisse is evil and mentions her screwing a fireman (again with this, can we meet this fireman?). Then she lets out an impressive stream of motherfuckers directed at Charrisse for somebody who spent all of last season pretending to be the team etiquette coach.
Next week, a sunset cruise hosted by Charrisse. This outta be good—see you there!