By Guest Contributor Becky J.
At this point, I would have absolutely given up on RHOP if I weren’t writing these recaps. I have more fun reading your comments than I do actually watching the show. As a self-professed Bravo addict, this is hard for me to admit. I have watched every Real Housewives and never given upon a city, not matter how ridiculous (I’m looking at you, DC, Miami and Dallas) but this season of RHOP has got me reconsidering. I realized last night that there are three main reasons I’m so annoyed by these ladies.
First, only a couple of them seem like nice people. Second, they aren’t doing a good job of selling their storylines. It feels like a B movie or a parody of Real Housewives most of the time. Finally, it doesn’t seem like any of them have genuine friendships—or fights for that matter. We all have people we have to pretend to like (or tolerate) every day. Reality shows are a fun escape from my real life, a bunch of bitches trying to get along for the sake of a paycheck is just another day at the office.
So, we start off with Ashley walking into Oz, clutching her box of comment cards from last week’s event. She is greeted by her cute Executive Chef, Brad, who I frankly think seems like a much better match for her than her actual husband. She cracks a beer and starts going through her comment cards, reading aloud nothing but glowing praise. I wish she would have read one that said something negative or snarky, cuz you know there were some.
Then here comes Michael and they adjourn to the patio to pick over the bones of their big fight. He grudgingly admits the event was a success and apologizes. She tells him she’s sorry too, but it was fucked up of him to threaten to close Oz just because he felt left out. Ashley makes a great point and sounds like an actual grown up, explaining that she resents Michael for making her do all the manager work by herself, then always finding fault with how she does it. Then totally she ruins her credibility by saying “Let me do my thing, chicken wing.” Fuck me.
Karen meets Gizelle for lunch to mediate the ongoing feud between her and Monique. Charrisse and Monique show up together and Karen is mad because she didn’t invite old Cha-Cha. I can hardly blame Monique for wanting to bring somebody as backup, but Karen thinks she is everybody’s mom (or Grande Dame, as she likes to say). This is just foreshadowing of more fake-ish fighting between Karen and Charrisse on this episode.
Karen admits in her interview that she worries that Gizelle is ostracizing herself from the group cuz everybody likes Monique except her. I say, “bye girl” to Gizelle. But also, no wonder they don’t all get along. They hardly have anything in common. They are different ages, have different aged kids, live in different neighborhoods and only a couple of them even knew each other before filming. It’s a real reach that any of them would ever be friends in real life and they’re aren’t good enough actresses to make it believable.
Gizelle has a huge coughing fit as soon as Monique tries to talk to her, Karen is not impressed. When Gizelle finally catches her breath (which Monique claims in her interview scene God took away from her) they just fight as usual. Charisse’s contribution to the scene is to talk about how she needs all her friends to get along right now because of her divorce, then start crying. Once again, Karen is unimpressed. Charisse trying to steal the scene is ridiculous X 1,000.
Karen finally sold her house! She’s probably going to have to move into a rental, not in Potomac. She says this is because of the all-cash sale with a quick escrow. Not sure I believe it. Meanwhile Robyn is going to a therapist upon Dr. Jeff’s referral. She’s reluctant, but hearing that her mom thinks there’s something weird about her relationship with Juan prompted her to get some help. The therapist points out what we have all been thinking all season: she’s scared to move on and deserves better. They agree that maybe she should try dating. Maybe this will help her let go of Juan, we shall see.
There’s a ridiculous scene with Karen and Charrisse swimming in their bathing suit cover-ups. If you don’t want to show off your swim bod, do an iced tea or cocktail scene! Ugh. It’s a totally contrived meeting, designed to present the idea that the women will be taking a trip together. They decide on Bermuda, but when they “invite” the other girls, they each claim to have come up with the idea. Who cares?
Monique is planning her daughter’s first birthday/baby dedication party, with a paltry budget of $25K (which turns out being closer to $30K). Gizelle will not be invited. It’s a crazy party at the Samuels’ huge, beautiful lake house. Everybody has a fun time with the petting zoo, face painting, swimming and full bar. The ladies seem to get along except for a fake fight between Karen and Charrisse. They argue over who is the host of the upcoming Bermuda trip. Hence, the name of this episode.
Ashley and Michael are trying to rekindle their relationship by making pottery together. This is the second time this week I have LMAO about a nod at the movie Ghost while recapping (thanks to the hilarious “you in danger girl” commenter Marsha Marsha Marsha on my TMOG post, funny shit!). So, if you’re too young to remember this movie, there was a sensual scene between very young Demi Moore and the ghost of Patrick Swayze (who is now actual ghost, may he RIP), where she was making pottery and he visited her from the beyond.
The major difference between the scene in Ghost and the scene between Ashley and Michael is that he’s paying more attention to his clay penis than he is to her. They casually discuss their compatibility and whether they are still in love. He tries to further make up with her by throwing her a bone (pun intended) by revoking his Oz must be breaking even condition on procreation. Ashley responds in an entirely reasonable way by saying she wants their marriage on solid ground before they try for a baby. High five Ashley! A baby bandaid is the last thing these two need.
Next week, they head to Bermuda. Maybe we’ll luck out and they will all get lost in the Bermuda triangle.