Bethenny Frankel herself admits that she can’t seem to go to The Berkshires without losing her mind. I was appalled at the way she went off on Luann last year. That was just straight up slut shaming because she was in a shitty place. Tonight we are supposed to believe that Bethenny suddenly has Luann’s best interest at heart because she doesn’t want her to have a bad divorce? Nope. Tonight is when she will come for Ramona. Just like when she came for Sonja last year, this one is deserved. Ramona took a shot at the bitch and missed. She totally deserves what is coming to her.
We are back with Luann and Dorinda talking about how the other girls all claim Tom is still cheating. Luann doesn’t care. She says Ramona was calling Tom’s friends in California, waking them up to dig for dirt. I do believe that, but the whole waking them up thing doesn’t make much since from an east coast to west coast call. Unless, Ramona was up really late and deep in the Pinot Grigio. The bitches all start filing in and Ramona starts being a cunt right away. Luann needs to just tell all of these bitches to shut the fuck up. Ramona says that she was the last to know about Mario and then has a drunken breakdown. Ramona had plenty of tip offs about Mario she chose to ignore. Sonja sidles up to Luann even though she is not happy with the wedding.
Ramona talking heads are like Ramona doing Amy Phillips doing Ramona.
Bethenny continues to trash Luann to all the girls behind her back, as a caring friend does. Tinsley says that it took a mugshot to get her to leave her ex. Only Sonja of all people says she’s staying out of it, even though she has concerns. How did Sonja get to ride the high horse? Carole and Bethenny chatter about Luann extensively on the floor of their little hideaway. As concerned friends do they talk about how horrible Tom is on national TV and ponder how he gets so many women. Bethenny makes numerous comments about Tom’s penis.
Ramona and Sonja are both in the bag already. Ramona thinks that since Bethenny hasn’t screamed at her to get off her jock then things are back to normal with them. Sonja and I both know better. Ramona’s relationship skills are worse than mine, and that is saying A LOT. Ramona seems to realize that you don’t disparage your friends business or bring their child into argument. She’s going to find a well to tell Bethenny she gets it now. This is a really stupid idea I could see myself having, especially after the number of drinks Ramona has had. I almost believe that Ramona didn’t know bringing up Brynn was a bad idea. ALMOST.
Bethenny is climbing the walls, literally, until she finds Dorinda’s stash of tequila. She and Tinsley talk about the horrors of living with Sonja. Tinsley is very polite about not pointing out all the nastiness of the house itself, brown water, no heat, sleeping with old dirty stuffed animals, etc, and just sticks to Sonja treating her like crap. When they join Carole in another room of Dorinda’s house they have not yet demolished. Carole starts a fire in the fireplace using some of Dorinda’s doorstops as kindling, as friends do. Luann joins the group and Bethenny gives her a sincere apology for her ranting toward her last year. Then Dorinda arrives to point out that the fireplace Carole is using is not in fact a working fireplace. She shoos them into another room and tries to keep them from actually burning down her house. Seriously, even at my sister’s house I would never take it upon myself to start a fire in someone’s fireplace without checking with the owner first. Dorinda has to douse the fire and open all the doors to let the smoke out. In December.
Bethenny, Carole, Luann and Tinsley are chatting in the less smokey part of the house and the tequila has hit Bethenny and she starts to make things all about her. Nobody knows the trouble she’s seen. She went with her heart and her gut (even though she said earlier and we all saw her not wanting to go through with her marriage) and got married and it’s been a life of hell and pure torture. Poor Bethenny. Luann is trying to be nice to Bethenny. Bethenny is carrying on about how sure she’s rich and has a great kid but her life is pure hell. At this point, Sonja and Ramona come bouncing in oblivious to where they are in the script. They plonk down and Dorinda gets a chance to get a few words out at her own party about how much she loves John and that she learned a lot from her exes. With the spotlight off of Bethenny for ten seconds she storms out to start her next scene.
Bethenny does the tequila cry alone with her own cameraman. This is why I do not drink tequila. Tequila is bad. Luann goes to look for her. Luann is super nice to her and apologizes for upsetting her. Luann says she thought things were done and she has a great guy in Dennis. (Spoiler alert, they broke up.) Probably over all the drama with Jason. So then super drunk Bethenny (and I believe this is real, don’t ask me how I know this) ONCE AGAIN tells Lu that she thinks she is making a big mistake. All of these bitches are projecting their shitty marriages on to Lu. WHY?
Bethenny is not allowed to talk about what Jason does to her on camera, so Carole is doing that in the next room over while ignoring her crying drunk friend. He’s sends a million emails to her and copies Dennis on the emails. He tells her she is a bad mother. He calls her Bernadette, who is her sorry ass excuse for a mother. He is constantly harassing her. Eventually Lu, bless her heart, hugs it out with Bethenny, whose crying jag seems to have ended. Bethenny is nice to Luann.
Then Bethenny and Carole are back up in their room and Bethenny is complaining about Luann being happy because she is getting married in two weeks. Bethenny says Lu is such a Hallmark card. She doesn’t remember what she said because she literally blacks out “in this house.” It’s not her. Or the gallon of tequila she drank that makes her act so crazy, it’s the house that they almost burnt down an hour ago. The very lovely house that they are guests in make them behave badly. They just can’t help themselves. Bethenny is such a pro that on the way downstairs, she still remembers the next script and pauses to prep it. She tells Carole that Ramona is going to come up to her and tell her she had no idea how bad it was and then proceed to make it all about her.
Meanwhile downstairs, Dorinda’s housekeeper has finished roasting the chickens so she can pull them out. Dorinda says she loves to keep the cranberry sauce so that it looks like the can. OMG! ME TOO! My sister will sometimes make real cranberry sauce but me and her youngest daughter insist on the canned kind. There is no cranberry sauce you can make to compete with Ocean Spray canned cranberry sauce. Who needs real cranberries when you can have that sliced straight from the can stuff? It’s perfection. Dorinda also has the blue willow serving platter. This is also required. I have tons of blue will that I need to sell. I totally need to have a big estate sale somewhere and pretend I died because I have way too many things that “will be worth something someday” and I need the money way more than the stuff at this point.
I would be terrified to eat in Dorinda’s dining room. HOLY SHIT! Just as I was typing about how I’d be terrified to get anything on Dorinda’s chairs, fucking Ramona walks in and spills on a chair. I am going to have a panic attack and I didn’t do it and they are not my chairs. I can only imagine how much those chairs cost! Ramona fesses up to Dorinda right away and Dorinda tells her they will worry about it tomorrow. At dinner Carole says she hasn’t eaten chicken in forever because of how they are tortured and abused, as friends do. I would like to let Carole, who is fucking a chef and has no idea how to cook, that there are a lot of very expensive chickens that folks like Dorinda buy that are fed an all natural diet, sung to by Tibetan priests during the day and killing in an exceeding tranquil fashion. Ramona gives a toast to thank the hostess for having them despite the fact that every time she hosts them it’s a real shit show, as friends do.
Everyone is talking about how oddly Ramona is behaving. How can they tell? It is the description blurb for this episode that something ain’t right with Ramona. She seems like Ramona to me. Ramona wins the chocolate Santa raffle and loses her damn mind.
Dorinda’s home is just gorgeous and these ladies are destroying it. Finally they sing happy birthday to Dorinda and bring out her cake. As everyone else is trying to celebrate the hostess’ birthday, Ramona comes creeping up to Bethenny and gets right in her ear to apologize. Bethenny says, ” I appreciate that, thank you,” and sort of leans away. Ramona goes back to the edge of Sonja’s seat.
Luann gives a sweet toast to Dorinda and thanks her for being a bridesmaid. Tinsley says we all are talking about a wedding we are not invited to. Drunken Bethenny hysterically and accurately breaks down the reason each of them are not invited. Tinsley laughs.
With three minutes left in the episode, the Bethenny and Ramona showdown began. It’s 9 pm and some of the saner women are headed off to bed. Bethenny says she wants to clear the air because she senses that Ramona is walking on eggshells and she doesn’t want to make her feel bad. See? This is starting off nice. Bethenny says that Ramona has not been a good friend to her. We’ve all seen the three times Ramona and her crazy eyes say ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Next week: Bethenny and Ramona have a knock down drag out about who made their money and who fucked for it. Tinsley and Sonja have a blowup that has been weeks in the making. Carole tries to get Tinsley to move into her building, and at long last the Jill Zarin scene at Phillipe I told you about happens.