By Guest Contributor Becky J.
I barely made it through my recap of RHOP alive last week! I kept thinking about that Starburst commercial where the zombie says, “you are boring me to death and I’m already dead.” That’s how I felt.
So, when this week started with my absolute least favorite narrative technique, the flash-forward, I was worried. They just did this a couple weeks ago and I hated it then. Luckily, it turned out to be a pretty exciting episode.
We finally got some new interview outfits and wigs this week! Gizelle stayed true to her usual tacky, matchy-matchy style with hot pink dress and eyeshadow. I’m sure she had on those gross pink gladiator heels, but, luckily we didn’t have to see her feet. However, we still had to see Karen in the tired baby blue bandage dress and I was dangerously close to throwing something at the TV.
Ashley is planning a revamp of the menu at Oz (fi-nally) and a big unveiling. She does most of the work before telling Michael, which seems like a dumb move. I kind of understand why, but still she should have figured out a way to include him before the week of the event. He’s super pissed because he’s more married to his kangaroo meat than he is to Ashley.
Robyn and Juan are doing the basketball camp. He’s way nicer to the kids than he is to her. Later, he’s wearing the same shirt from basketball camp to a family dinner in honor of Robyn’s mom’s birthday. He spends the whole evening either looking tortured or on his phone and I want to slap him. Robyn does, too.
Karen, Ashley and Monique go on a golf date to the driving range. Karen comes dressed for golf and the other two come in heels. Karen is pissed. The only interesting thing in the scene is Ashley and Monique teetering in their heels while pretending they are smashing people’s faces when they hit the golf balls. It’s pretty stupid.
Speaking of stupid dates, Karen and Ray, AKA the guy who hates being called the black Bill Gates, go on a double date to the go-kart track with Gizelle and Kevin. They all have to wear black nylon helmet liners and the go-kart guy tells them to wear it like they’re about to commit a felony. Now there’s a RHOP date I would like to see! Gizelle can’t squeeze her big ole head into a regular helmet, she needs a larger size than everyone else. Ray drives like and old man because he is and Karen tells Gizelle to let Kevin win or he will never marry her (WTF?).
After the race, they split up and Karen grills Kevin while keeping her helmet liner on because she thinks it makes her look like Chaka Kahn/her hair is all messy. Ray and Gizelle have a super awkward conversation about how she better hurry up and get married because she’s not going to stay hot forever. I would normally be offended by all the chauvinism and outdated gender roles represented in this scene, but I hate Gizelle, so it’s funny to see her so indignant and offended. A few days later, Gizelle shows up to “support” Karen in a sexy photo shoot for Ray wearing a skin tight leopard catsuit. Barf on her outfit, barf on their fake friendship.
Ashley invites all the ladies to her restaurant event because she’s a badass. Even though last time Robyn and Gizelle came to Oz they were getting in her face and last time she saw Charrisse that cow wouldn’t even say “hi”. Michael is furious about the new menu and they spend the day of the event fighting. He tries to tell the cameras to go away. Oh no you di-n’t! Did you forget you’re here for MY entertainment, Michael?
He’s a total fucking dick this season and I miss that fun, drunken creepy guy who was trying to take off his pants in the middle of a boat party last season. He pulls the “it’s my restaurant” card and Ashley lets him have it. My favorite line of the whole mess was, “You’re not my partner, you’re my parent!” Fucking-a right he’s acting like your parent! What did you expect? He’s like 100 years older than you. Ashley’s so fun and spicy and I really admire the fact she is willing to stand up to him even though she knows he holds all the cards in the relationship. Fingers crossed she has a good pre-nup.
On the night of the event, all of the ladies show up. When Ashley approaches them at their table, Gizelle starts in on her about the menu immediately. Charrisse is such a fucking idiot that she pretends Ashley isn’t standing right behind her. Ashley asks why it’s okay for everybody to talk shit about each other, but when she does it they all get pissed. I have been wondering the same thing, especially with the Robyn and Juan situation. I can’t believe how cool Ashley is and how well she handles herself. If I had the kind of day she has had, I would have told them all to go to hell and smashed Gizelle right in her haterish bitchface with an emu steak.
Monique wants nothing to do with the table full of old bitches. She’s inside with her husband. I like that seems genuinely happy in her marriage and seems like a great mom and wife. I do think her inability to film with the whole group without getting in a fight is a problem. She can’t film with her husband forever. I hope she figures out a way around Gizelle so she can stay on the show. Also, the Samuels family is getting ready to move into their Pato-mansion, so we will all stay tuned for that…