I am SOFA KING excited about this premiere tonight. I thought I would be really sad with Luis gone, but I have him on Instagram and love seeing him on an adventure in Paris. I think all three guys went to see him when Fredrik was there on his birthday trip. Oh and happiness break! I am so in lust with Steve Gold, the new guy, I may die. He is hot as hell. I want to do bad things to him. Unless he’s a douchbag. Let’s find out.
Ryan is a married man! I watched his wedding spin off in Greece and it was great. I can’t find the link to the recaps. Ryan has a beard now. I don’t think Emilia is down with it. They are trying to think of baby names. OMG! Emilia’s sister has moved in with them.
Ryan’s office is averaging about two million dollars a day. He has so much business he is delegating to his associates. Ryan is about to open a new office in Brooklyn. He has a client with 100 properties to sell. SCORE! Ryan seems a bit irritated that he has to ride in a car all day to look at a fraction of the $200 million in properties.
He tours a sort of tacky antebellum wannabe house with 10,000 square feet. It’s ugly and dilapidated.But it comes with 100 other listings. Fifty of those houses he investor wants sold in ninety days. So that means the Brooklyn office needs to get up and running fast. Ryan is going to take the crap house himself. He asks his agents how people in Georgia sell houses. One at a time, Ryan. One at a time. That house here would be considered a tear down if that helps. I think he should sell it as a lot. But they decide to do a Clue themed open house. In the meantime, a developer from NJ wants to renovate the house.
In the magical, perfect world that Fredrik lives in, it’s Friday so he is off to his country home in Roxbury Connecticut. I cannot over stress the importance of following Fredrik on Instagram. The dude is living some sort of Swedish fairy tale. It’s amazing. He’s amazing. I love him with all of my pee pee. Fredrik has found Jesus. No really, he is going to church. His little team of ten sold a billion last year with another billion in contract. He says it is more than anyone has ever sold.
Fredrik has a date with Big D tonight. He jokes that is not because his name is Derek. These guys and their sexual innuendo tonight.
His listing appointment with Nicole is a gorgeous place in Tribeca, near where he lives. It’s amazing over 4,000 square feet with almost 3,00o more in outdoor space. It’s perfection. Or maybe not. On the second floor with floor to ceiling windows, there are doors to a common terrace. As in it is available to everyone in the building. And they can see in her house.
The negotiate the price to be at $11.995 million. She will not take a penny less. So when Fredrik tells her he has an offer of $10.8, she is pissy and refuses to negotiate. To make matters worse, Fredrik’s boss calls him in to his office because the person that made the offer is connected to him in some way. He wants Fredrik to force his buyer to counter. How the hell is he supposed to do that? This is a fake scene to get Howard screen time, by the way. Howard gets his friend the client to offer at $11.3. But he HAS to convince her to counter. She literally walks out of the meeting. He calls the other broker to say the deal is dead and they counter at $11.6. He calls the seller and she says they have a deal. Really all she wanted was more than her neighbor sold for at $11.5. Because, bitch. That is a $348,000 commission for Fredrik.
Of course he used to be a top model. That makes perfect sense. He tells the producers shooting his confessional to remember it is his first time so put it in slowly. Please excuse me while I get a gold compress or something. He’s been in real estate for ten years if anyone cares. He’s Jewish.
Steve is focused on downtown. That is where he lives. He goes on a listing call for an apartment where they have combined apartments two floors to make a 5 bedroom home. He is speaking with a relative of the investor who insists on $14 million, almost twice the going price per square foot because “comps don’t apply” to their place. Oh my. This guy is a douchebag. Steve says it is worth around $11 million. He will list it at 12. They guy is not budging. They finally agree on $12.5 million. And they have GOT to finish the kitchen. Of course they don’t finish the kitchen.
Steve has an adorable rescue dog, Pablo, from Georgia. Surely that is a sign that we are destined to be together, right? Okay wait. what is happening here. I need a screenshot. Dude literally has an eight back and there is a very dark black line of hair in the center of it that sort of loops around his belly button. This is when I wish you could all read while I am typing. The top six beers in the eight pack are almost hairless and then it seems his pubes start at the bottom two. Please tell me that is a mic cord or something. I find this disturbing. Happy trails don’t start was above the belly button and then sort of meander around the naval like that. It’s a navel to dick sort of arrangement. I’m perplexed.
Back to the property. Steve goes to meet with the douchebags. They have lost their Madonna accents. Steve is trying to explain to them that they are overpriced. They want an expensive open house. Steve already has $10K invested in promotion. I don’t believe that is what emails, brochures and posting on Instagram cost. He agrees to an open house.
In the previews for the season guess whose listing in on the show? Did you guess Bethenny? Because, yes. It’s an incestuous crossover episode. And we get to see LUIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes!