By Guest Contributor Becky J.
The main course of this week’s TMOG was Amber’s (now ex-fiance) Matt acting like an immature, selfish prick at his fake friends’ fake wedding in Vegas. The appetizer was a bunch of stupid clothing companies and Farrah’s ridiculous hypnotherapy. For dessert, we were treated to a nasty rumor that Ryan is on drugs, (which I hate, even though it would explain his crazy eyes). Let’s dig in!
Tyler and Cate are potty training Nova, who seems to hate having the cameras around cuz she keeps running into her room and slamming the door. That must be rough. At least she’s wearing a shirt this week. They have a conversation about starting a kids clothing line. Their discussions are strange because they interrupt, talk over each other and sound like they’re arguing even when they agree.
Tyler finds a business consultant online and talks to her about registering the name of the company. He wants to call it Tierra Rain because their last name is Baltierra and Nova’s middle name is Rain. Everything in their lives must have stripper names. Later, Butch is fresh from a meeting with his parole officer and they leave Nova with him to go meet with a seamstress for the clothing line. Awesome choice of babysitter. They look at fabric swatches and Tyler talks about how he loves that “urban style” for boys, while Catelynn likes “that hippy style” for the girls. I like these guys and I’m glad they are trying to do something. On the other hand, I’m sick of all these fools acting like spending nearly a decade in their sweats on camera and collecting a check from MTV makes them experts on the fashion industry.
Debra is back at Farrah’s. There’s no explanation given for this, although I suspect Farrah fired the nanny, even though she doesn’t discriminate or do hate crimes (sorry, I can’t let that one go). Farrah is going to hypnotherapy and Debra offers to go with her. Farrah’s healthy, normal response is to YELL at her and ask her why she needs hypnotherapy. Instead of the obvious answer which would be, “To improve our relationship.” Debra mumbles something about getting over a phobia (we all know she’s afraid of her daughter, what’s the word for that?). Farrah says she needs hypnosis to find a better person to date. What she really means is she wants to stop screwing Simon every time they’re in the same city. Give me a break! As long as Simon’s on the payroll, his sleazy ass is gonna be around.
So Farrah and Deb go to the hypnotherapist, who reminds me of a cross between an auctioneer and a used car salesman. He picks up on the static between mother and daughter right away and, like any good con man, manipulates them. His method of “therapy” is to talk really soft and fast and lead them in a guided meditation that is supposed to magically erase all their problems immediately.
Farrah must be trying to score roles in Lifetime movies because she puts on an act like no other. She gets a crazy person grin on her face, and “wakes up” saying she feels so light and happy and giggling. It’s moronic. Based on her experience with the hypnosis, Farrah makes a list of things she’s looking for in a man. Number one is “intellectual depth” and now I’m the one giggling. Farrah meets Simon for dinner and breaks up with him for the 348th time.
Amber and Matt’s hired friends Wayne and Annette are hanging around Amber’s house. Everyone has a dog or two on their lap. It must smell nice in there. Wayne and Annette’s wedding in Vegas is approaching and Amber and Matt are going. In Vegas, the foursome visits the Little White Wedding Chapel and Matt pretends he is so caught up in the rented suits, fake flowers and tacky crystal that he wants to marry Amber immediately. Like now—as in make it a double wedding. To be real, the “friends” are clearly just props designed to hold up this storyline, but still!
Because she has developed a tiny shred of sanity in the last nine years, Amber has serious reservations about getting married suddenly and without her family. Matt says he already texted with Leah to see if it was okay and she said yes. A quick segment with Leah indicates that her answer was actually “no no no.” Amber calls her brother “Bubba” who gently advises against it.
Matt flips out. He dumps about 50 years worth of carefully crafted manipulation, guilt trip and flat-out crazy on Amber. He claims to be humiliated, tells producers he won’t ever marry Amber now and (here’s my favorite) accuses her of wanting to marry her brother and uses a nasty gay slur. He later takes the producer aside and asks tells her he doesn’t care who she has to “have oral pleasure with” to keep his tantrum off TV. There’s no low too low for this guy.
During the aftershow, Amber reveals that the wedding planning is currently at a halt, but she doesn’t come right out and say she and Matt are broken up. She claims they’re in therapy and working through issues. I’m pretty sure she’s being evasive because the whole shit show is going to play out on camera.
Maci and Taylor are hard at work on their clothing company and they have a conversation about contraception. Later Maci gets a text message from somebody claiming to have some “really serious information” about Ryan. there is an implication that it’s drug-related. Maci says she needs to protect Bentley and needs to get Jen and Larry involved. Wait, I thought she wanted them to butt out and Ryan to be a real parent. As much as I hate Ryan, this storyline seems manufactured. We’ll see how it plays out.
Meanwhile, Ryan and Mackenzie are looking at wedding venues for 250 people. He is completely disinterested and has a bad case of the crazy eyes. He’s not doing much to convince us that he’s a great guy. Then again, that’s his thing.