It’s time to head back to Croatia. If there was ever a day I needed a nice relaxing show about rich people on yachts in a beautiful country with beautiful scenery, it is tonight. Instead, we have Below Deck Mediterranean, where last week Hannah put the moves on Malia to piss of Bobby. She got what she wanted. Bobby is furious. But only because he thinks that Hannah was trashtalking him to Malia. She was too busy sticking her tongue down Malia’s throat to do that.
Bobby’s reaction to being called aggressive by a woman while screaming at said woman was very telling. Clearly, that allegation has been made many times before. Drunken Hannah goes into the head to cry.
The next morning, Malia and Hannah hug it out and chat over bottles of water while assuring us all that they are not bisexual, they are just chicks who make out while drunk. As a chick who has made out with a few chicks while drunk myself, I think there should be a name for that. I shall try and come up with a label. I will need a label that doesn’t start with any of the letters already in play, LGBTTQQIAAP (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, ally, pansexual). My first thought is WGW tacked on to the end would be good. Like this, LGBTTQQIAAPWGW. Clearly, that would include those of us who get white girl wasted and make poor choices. Because nothing says like inclusion like a really long ridiculous acronym.
Moving on, Hannah claims she doesn’t remember what happened while talking about everything that happened with Malia. Bobby bitches about Hannah to one of the new guys. Lauren tries to tell the story of how she hooked up with Bobby after meeting him on Instagram and being invited to a taping of WWHL that he was on. He also invited two other girls. She has to tell all of this without mentioning anything we learned in that link, which was one of the most EPIC and DISTURBING episodes of WWHL ever.
The idiot charter guests for this week are the owners of a website that posts nude photos of celebrities. Did I hear that correctly? The depths production goes to in order to secure complete bottom feeders to pay to be on the show is ever sinking. What they lack in morality they more than make up for with ridiculous food requests. They would like an all raw foods diet. Adam, the chef of this three hour tour, would like us to know that not cooking food and making salads is super duper hard. We do get to see him doing his complaining in a gorgeous outdoor market in Croatia. So there is that. Adam seems like a four clean shaven in his uniform; however, with a little scrub and casual clothes in the Farmers Market in Split, Croatia he is a hard eight.
Before the guests arrive, Bobby tries apologize to Hannah. He starts off fine for about two seconds before he begins calling her names. He then starts ranting about Hannah calling him aggressive. Hannah calming tries to explain the aggressive things he was doing. Hannah tells her version of what she said to Lauren. Bobby calls Lauren and says one of them is lying. Lauren is fine with being the liar if that will fix whatever issue Bobby is having enough for them to put the WWHL situation behind them and oh, I dunno, enjoy fucking Croatia? Lauren just wants to go finish the laundry, As she leaves, Bobby yells after her, “Thanks for your support, Lauren. Why don’t you go fuck Ben.” Because, aggressive. Bobby tells us that he took Lauren to an event in Fort Lauderdale and Lauren went home with Ben. Why on earth is he saying that? Wasn’t Ben with whatsherbritches then anyway? Both Hannah and Lauren were very indifferent to Bobby anger and that pissed him off even more. The boy is starting to remind me of the kid that Kenya dated with anger issues.
Well now…Lauren is facetiming with her “boyfriend” who just so happens to be Ben. All I have heard was that Bemily was still a thing and they have their own cooking thing doing something or another. I see this as just another attempt for Ben to get a paid episode without actually doing the show. Is this a real romance or something producer driven? Lauren says that Bobby called her out for hooking up with Ben.
At the same time, Bobby calls his mama crying on Facetime. I can’t believe they drag the mamas into this face story line. Bobby is a bad fake crier. He would never make it as a housewife.
There is a pescatarian, a gluten free, a raw fooder, and a vegan on this cruise. I say just do us all a favor and drown them all at sea.
Bugs gets news that her grandmother has passed away. Captain Sandy is so good at comforting Bugs. Bugs was so proud of her for following her dreams and yachting. I think Bugs will stay.
The douchebags finally arrive. I recall getting really irritated with the crew on Below Deck being abusive to the guests. And I still feel like it was not professional of them. But I hate these people and they are non on the boat yet. I am going out of my way not to mention the website. Thanks in advance for doing the same in comments.
This is the nicest boat of any season by a mile. It’s jaw droppingly beautiful.
The douchebags tell all the girls the brought to get naked so they can tape them. Douchebag one asks douchebag two if his wife is okay with all of this. Douchebag one says he doesn’t give a shit. It would not be a Bravo show without the misogyny.
Later that night, Malia and Bobby bond over stories about shitting in their pants. I am not making this up.
I can’t really stand to recap any of the crap the douchebags and their nekkid chicks are discussing.
After the douchebags are in bed, Lauren pulls Bobby aside to try to placate him into leaving her alone and letting her enjoy her fantastic opportunity. Sorry Lauren. Bravo will try to make you as miserable as possible. As soon as she points out that the whole thing is stupid and that he is a “31-year-old grown ass man” Bobby storms off.
After last week, when the whole stern tie plan went to shit, Captain Sandy wants to try it again. This time it works.
Then there is a plumbing issue in the kitchen and the winds pick up and start pulling to boat into the cliffs. Because it is always something.
Next week: Death seems imminent concerning the cliff situation. And Wes may be the first to die. NOT WIZ! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOT WIZ! HE’S MY FAVORITE!