By Guest Contributor Becky J.
Sunday’s RHOA Reunion Part 4 made RHOP’s “messy games” seem like preschool games in comparison, but it was still a good episode. Maybe now that the Atlanta season is over, we can all enjoy Potomac’s less twisty and jaded brand of shade a bit more.
True to the anticlimactic “To be continued…” promise, this week’s episode picked up where last week’s left off. Robyn, Charrisse, Ashley and Gizelle (plus Gizelle’s catty hairdresser, Kal) are standing out front of Monique’s house. Gizelle alternates between bragging that she got kicked out of the party and acting like she’s a blameless victim. Monique comes to see where all her guests have gone and has to, once again, invite Gizelle to leave. It’s the stupidest thing ever. Gizelle has a Countess Luann knock-off moment and says money can’t buy Monique class. Maybe not, but it can buy her that lovely driveway where you’re lurking around wearing a striped cape and fake gold.
Back at the party, Charrisse finally makes her entrance. Remember? She got there late and cried in the driveway before Gizelle left. So then Ashley gathers Karen, Charrisee and Robyn up to talk about the rumor that Juan has a girlfriend. Ashley is bugging the fuck out of me with this. She needs to butt out of Juan and Robyn’s business and stop. Robyn (who has the best outfit of the night with a LBD and knee-high black gladiator flats) just needs to tell everyone to back off, but it seems like she has trouble standing up for herself. Monique is a badass and a good hostess, so she bombs in the middle of the bitchy conversation and diffuses the situation. She announces that the dance party portion of the evening is about to begin. TURN UP! It looks like the rest of the party is fun.
Karen is meeting with her realtor. And by “meeting” I mean making sour faces, sucking her teeth and telling this lady how to do her job. Karen corrects her when she says “downsizing” with her own annoying made up term “rightsizing.” I wish the realtor would just pre-yoga Teresa flip a table on the bitch. The realtor has the nerve to suggest that Karen’s musty house that hasn’t been updated in 20 years has been lingering on the market too long and they should try something new. That’s when we discover Karen has been hoping to sell her house using mental telepathy because she doesn’t like “For Sale” signs in her yard or open houses! Karen stands firm and the realtor has murder in her eyes and a smile on her lips. There’s gonna be a special place in realtor heaven for this gal.
Gizelle and Kal grab a coffee and she tries some of her makeup on him. It actually matches his skin tone and looks nice. (Look, I said something positive about Gizelle!) She goes on some rant about how she’s trying to be successful with her makeup so she can retire to the French Riviera in 10 years and be a good role model for her girls. She should be channeling her energy into healing from her breakup with her scumbag ex-husband because she’s clearly delusional and mad at the world. Here’s another crazy idea: Maybe she should try being kinder and more respectful of other women instead of tearing them down. That might be a pretty good example for her girls, right?
Meanwhile, Charrisse and Ashley are supposed to meet at a dress shop. They’re looking at gowns because Charrisse says “charity season is amongst us.” She’s so smart. Ashley gets there late and Charrisse is a total bitch. They get in a huge fight while the poor store owner looks on in horror. Charrisse calls Ashley messy for meddling in Juan and Robyn’s business, but it seems like she’s really been harboring a resentment for Ashley making comments about Eddie. It’s a shit show. Charrisse says she’s about five seconds from fucking Ashley up and wishes her good luck making babies with Michael’s “old man” sperm. She’s so classy, I totally want her at my charity event! Ashley mostly keeps her cool and just walks off, but makes a comment in her interview about how Charrisse probably couldn’t punch with her “little T-rex arms” anyway. Not the T-rex arms!
Robyn and Juan do a radio show. Robyn says she doesn’t mind still being called his wife and I love her, but it’s pathetic. I can’t be the only one who kinda thinks they should’ve never gotten divorced and just swept his cheating under the rug. It seems like that’s how she wants to live. Gizelle and Charrisse plan a frientervention for Robyn. They’re meeting at Gizelle’s janky house. The only halfway pretty part is her back patio and it’s easy to understand why she’s so jealous of Monique’s housessss.
Monique and Chris made an all cash offer on a giant home in Potomac for $4.75 million and it’s been accepted. Duh. They are meeting with their realtor/Pastor’s wife, who they call “First Lady” which is not a term I’m familiar with unless we are talking about the White House, but I guess it’s a thing. So the Samuels family is officially moving to Potomac, to a house that is, like, at least twice as expensive than anybody else’s. I’m sure Gizelle will still find a way to pretend Monique isn’t fabulous.
Speaking of Gizelle, the Pastor advises Monique that she needs to take the high road and apologize to Gizelle for calling her a trick. Monique gets emotional and admits that Gizelle really gets under her skin because the way she treats her reminds her of Chris’ mom. This makes total sense. Chris is sweet and supportive and seems to really understand that his mom is a demon. I think it’s kind of genius to have your realtor also your spiritual advisor. Monique and Chris Samuels sure seem like they’re winning at life.
When the time actually comes for the Charrisse and Gizelle to gang up on Robyn, they understandably choose Charrisse’s house as the venue. Charrisse is wearing a tiara (with a straight face like it’s normal) and bossing around her new assistant, who is serving snacks. He lists his duties as project mangement, hair facilitation and dog grooming. Jay-sus. Robyn arrives and Charrisse shows off the space that is her future champagne room. Eye roll.
The ladies all discuss how Ashley is so out of line for meddling in Robyn’s business and then they go right in. They are concerned about the rumors and does Juan have a girlfriend. They’re pretending to care about Robyn, but they are both so self-centered that they obviously can’t keep their own pain and anger about their gross, cheating ex-husbands separate from Robyn’s situation. I can’t for the life of me figure out how what they are doing is any different than Ashley and the the “you deserve a yacht” conversation from last week. Charrisse suggests that maybe Robyn needs to meet with Dr. Jeff and she gets defensive. This means she definitely needs therapy. The whole scene is just so depressing I need therapy now.
Next week, shit gets crazy when Robyn meets with Dr. Jeff, cries and then appears to misplace her aggression on Ashley. Yippee! See you after.