I totally understand that running Southern Charm Savannah with a Southern Charm lead in is good for ratings, but It’s going to be the death of me. I am excited about the show though as I lived in Savannah for a bit over a year when I taught Middle School. It was the best and worst gig of my life. I had some really good friends on the faculty and the best principal ever. But middle school children are quite unpleasant. Anyway, let’s get on with the show.
Oh I have some tea on one of the minor cast members that is just ridiculously bad. I’ll try to post about it soon. I just haven’t had much time and it’s going to require a lot of explanation and documentation.
Oh God. I hate this show already. It’s an embarrassing caricature of a great city. We are literally ONE MINUTE IN AND I HATE ALL OF THESE FUCKTARDS. I even hate the theme song.
I do love the scenery. I lived in a great apartment on the Marsh. It was amazing. Nelson is reprehensible. He is also the person I have the scoop on. He’s awful. I’m telling you.
I’ve never in my whole life heard so many adults discussing where they went to elementary school. It’s nauseating.
Louis has quit his corporate job to sell socks. His parents must be so proud.
Ashley likes swinging from vines, jumping into marshes and designing clothes. I sort of like her. But she is so namedroppy. It’s great that she has been there and done that and went to Country Day. But sweetie, just pepper your life with those things rather than read us a list all at once. Her photo shoot was cool and I get the feeling she likes to hose Daniel down and do bad things to him. Ashley and Daniel have promise.
Catherine seems a bit um, special. But I LOVE her daddy. And I am not sure what she is nattering on about concerning her family lineage. Apparently she is trying to say that her grandmother was/is affiliated with The Colonial Dames of America. Not sure what that is. I do know that if I wanted to pay dues and go to luncheons with old white ladies I am DAR eligible. The dead sister did all the arduous research for that and was mystified that I had no interest in joining with her. And by mystified, I mean pissed. Very pissed.
Lyle, like Ashley, has “moved back to Savannah” just in time for this show. How convenient. He is Catherine’s high school sweetheart and they are reuniting.
Catherine is having a party. Bruce is her party planner. Let’s just say Bruce is no K. Cooper Ray. Oh look, they are already alluding to Nelson’s er…background. Oh yes, Catherine. Tongues were wagging in Savannah about that.
Wait, Ashley is married to a guy named Dennis? So there goes my Ashley and Daniel fantasies. Maybe. Ashley is obsessed with getting in the water everywhere she goes. I kind of like that.
Bruce calls Nelson “The Talented Mr. Ripley.” I love Bruce for that comment, and his shirt. His event planning skills are quite mediocre though. This shindig is one step up from an old lady’s Flamingo party. I think we are going to get to the part where Nelson impersonated Congressman Jack Kingston of Georgia while wearing a congressional pin he allegedly lifted from him in a bar. Then he got in a bar fight and the Secret Service was alerted that there was an assault on a congressman. Oh, my not so gentle readers, that is but the tip of the iceberg.
I would pay big bucks for that paisley shirt Bruce is wearing.
Oh it looks like Bruce is going to spill all the tea on episode one. Bruce is my favorite. Nelson used to tell people he was the Minister Plenipotentiary for Artistic Endeavors for the Embassy of the Bahamas. He had business cards made up to prove it. Later he would claim to be Ambassador to the Bahamas. Apparently, he got an imaginary promotion. There is more. I’ve had a whole running list of oddball behavior from this guy and his years in Washington. I just haven’t had the time to do a full report. I am glad this is being done for me.
Nelson says he was just doing performance art. In a congressional pin. While lying to a police officer and giving negative press to his family friend Jack Kingston while in office. His parents must be so proud.
Ashley goes swimming in a see-through white swimsuit. Because, attention whore.
Daniel gives his poor little rich boy story. He also pretends to spout off the Amex card that he used to use of his father’s. They bleep out all but the first and last number. He starts with a 5. All Amex cards start with a 3. #lies
When Daniel graduated from college, his father was charged with 77 counts of embezzlement and did prison time. Then he had to grow up and pay his own way. Daniel took over the law firm. He is not a lawyer. Daniel is one of the only Jews in the south. I kid. But really. There are not many Jewish folks here.
All of Ashley’s talk about the War of Northern Aggression makes me want to drink. Especially because these “southern women” don’t even call the war by its proper name.
Later, Ashley and the girls are out drinking and Ashley gets a call that her house is on fire. Apparently, her husband and child were in the child’s bed and it caught on fire.
This looks like a shit show. I’m open to offers of folks who want to recap it in a more objective way.