By Guest Contributor Becky J.
Am I the only one who thinks it’s a red flag when a show starts at the end? This week’s RHOP begins with a montage of a party where Monique and Gizelle are fighting and Charrisse is crying. Then, the whole hour is a “rewind” of the week leading up to this event.
Monique is planning a casual “side yard barbeque/spades event” with the help of a professional party planner, while she bashes all the other women for being pretentious. Hmm… To their credit, on the day of the event, Monique and Chris seem to be actually working hard and preparing all the food and drinks themselves. It’s still seems like a bit much to have rented decor for a bbq, but I don’t live in Potomac. Oh wait. They don’t either (yet).
Meanwhile, Charrisse is planning an event for the National Basketball Wives Association. Yes. That is a thing. She’s very bittersweet (heavy on the bitter) because this is her last event as an official basketball wife. It’s painfully obvious that her actual relationship has been over for a long time and she’s just been clinging to the lifestyle and identity as Eddie Jordan’s wife. It’s not a storyline that appeals to me at all, but maybe some women can relate. It would go down a little smoother if she weren’t so fucking annoying when she’s not acting sad. Of course, she refers to herself in the third person as Cha-Cha a couple times and I want to barf. The actual event is pretty boring, except the part where Charrisse makes an embarrassing speech about how she is rebranding herself by dropping Eddie’s last name. Everybody in the room cringes or looks at the floor.
Ashley has hired Robyn to help with PR for the kangaroo meat restaurant. I love this idea, even if Ashley did manage to throw a touch of shade by insinuating Robyn is so broke, they’re really helping each other out. At least Robyn works for a living instead of sucking off some man like the rest of these hookers. Robyn advises her to “revamp the menu” which is such a no-brainer I can’t even. Ashley returns the favor by telling Robyn that she deserves a rich man who will sail her around the world on a yacht instead of Juan. It’s a real meeting of the minds. In her private interview, Ashley admits that she’s been hearing rumors about Juan having a girlfriend who’s not Robyn. I usually like Ashley, but it’s super shady that she doesn’t bring this directly to Robyn in this private meeting like a real concerned friend. Instead, she keeps it under her (giant) hair to stir shit later for maximum dramatic impact.
In a classic housewife move a la Gretchen Christine Beaute, Gizelle pretends she’s a business woman, starting her own cosmetics company. She claims she’s qualified to do this because she “knows beauty” which must be code for wears a ton of makeup and tacky accessories. She has a lunch with an old sorority sister, an actual marketing executive, who tells a “hilarious” story about how Gizelle was so awful to her in college and threatened to kill her before they became best friends. So, clearly, Gizelle has not matured in the past 25 years.
In other mean girl news, Karen is throwing a boring birthday party for her mom. It’s so boring that her son (who is only slightly interesting) doesn’t even show up. There is, however, a “friend’s baby” there. Nobody ever explains why that baby is with them at the fancy restaurant, or where her mom is. They all just take turns holding her. It’s very weird. They try to make Karen’s competitive relationship with her sister seem funny. Karen actually comes off looking like a psychopath who would have happily murdered her sister for a fake fur coat.
So, that’s the week and now we’re back at Monique’s party. Karen and her husband arrive thirst, I mean first. Monique is a cheerful and gracious hostess, even when nasty Gizelle arrives with her bitchy hairdresser, Kal, in tow and refuses to hug her. Gizelle is wearing a cape over a black catsuit in 90 degree weather. Monique brags about cooking for the party, which I feel is justified. The food looks great. Gizelle give her some low-key shade about the food and stands stiffly in the kitchen while the nice people eat on the back patio. Gizelle is clearly desperate to find something to complain about. She mutters under her breath about how Monique never stops talking. Monique’s friend GiGi overhears the catty exchange between Gizelle and Kal. Kal tells her not to get her panties in a bunch. She replies that she doesn’t wear panties (TMI). She posts up at the kitchen bar to spy on them and listen to see if they talk shit on her girl. Of course they do.
Outside, Ashley arrives. She brought her husband, some kangaroo jerky (always with this fucking Australian food!) and the Juan rumor. Ashley is trying to whisper the Juan gossip to Gizelle, who gets weirdly territorial when Monique enters the room. Gizelle tells Ashley not to discuss the Juan and Robyn thing while “Miss I-Can’t-Stop-Talking” is in the room. When Monique leaves, GiGi runs outside and tattles. Monique confronts Gizelle about the shit-talk and whispering. The situation quickly escalates and Gizelle is invited to leave. She’s fucking awful, but part of me wishes Monique could just rise above it because Gizelle is jealous.
Gizelle is not about to let a good night of filming be cut short just because she was asked to leave the party. In the front yard, Gizelle tells Robyn what Ashley has been saying and Robyn looks hurt. On cue, Ashley joins the conversation and Robyn defends Juan by saying they’re not an actual couple. Enter Charrisse, late and on the brink of tears. She has a full crying meltdown I guess because of her divorce (again). I understand why she’s so sad, but I don’t get why she is at some bbq in a full-length gown crying for cameras. Maybe she should try a night off camera in her sweats. To their credit, the women are acting like really nice supportive friends. Then here comes Monique again. Who can blame her? It’s her house and the party is in the driveway without her. She’s pissed and seems to think the women are ganging up on her.
Then, we get the “To Be Continued…” and I’m not sure I really care.