By Guest Contributor Becky J.
Teen Mom OG is the TV equivalent of crack. It gives me a quick and dirty rush and leaves me feeling gross when it’s over. Then I swear I’ll never do it again, only to find myself watching it again. So, when I missed Teen Mom OG last week it was kinda nice to detox, but not as fun as it is gonna be to binge two episodes in a row tonight.
Hello Again World!
Maci and Taylor are planning Bentley’s eighth birthday, which blows my mind because it means I’ve been watching this stupid show for that long. There is much discussion about how great Ryan’s girlfriend Mackenzie is and how she helps him live a normal life and, like, show up places on time. It is revealed, I think for the first time, that Mackenzie was a teen mom herself. And that she’s only 20 years old! Am I the only one who thinks those two look at least 35?
Farrah finally made a sane decision and hired a nanny to take care of Sophia. Good for her since the reason she doesn’t get along with her mom (or anyone else in the world) is because she places unfair demands them, then acts like a total psycho when they disappoint her. Speaking of paid employees, Farrah suddenly produced a new “friend” named Paola to film with since her parents aren’t around. From the looks of Paola, I’m guessing they met in the waiting room at the plastic surgeon’s office.
In other news about Farrah’s staff, Simon comes to town to conduct an employee training at Farrah’s furniture store. WTF? Now he’s some sort of corporate consultant? He’s very versatile for a sleazy pimp she met while doing pron and paid to act like her boyfriend. They go to dinner and Simon unconvincingly talks about how he would like to get back together with her. She says how funny cuz she recently “found” the engagement ring she bought herself, hoping Simon would reimburse her. Like it’s so easy to lose a huge diamond ring that you spent six episodes crying about. Fuck my life for caring about this crazy shit.
Farrah and Sophia jump in their white Maserati and take a trip to a to a mini horse farm. A creepy old man who keeps talking about “little girls” matches them with a white mini horse named Starburst and it looks like we’re going to add another unreasonable pet to the teen mom family. Seriously, a white mini horse. Who does this bitch think she is, Lisa Vanderpump?
When Sophia tells Farrah she doesn’t want any more “old nannies” Farrah gives a doozy of a performance for the camera. She lectures Soph about how they aren’t racist, they don’t discriminate and they don’t do hate crimes. Wait what? We have to worry about seven-year old-girls perpetrating hate crimes now? Shit.
Amber asks Matt if it’s okay to invite Gary and Khristina to do a family activity while they have Leah for the weekend. His words say yes, but his face says no. It’s no secret I’m not a fan of Matt. He sucks so much ass. She’s no rocket scientist, but I believe Amber is just doing her best to be a mature adult and co-parent. He has no idea how to do that because he’s a fucking 50 year old burnout with 10 kids he never helped raise. Shudder.
They all go on the Halloween haunted hayride together and it seems like Amber and Leah have a good time. Matt doesn’t even make eye contact with Gary when they all say goodbye. Later, Amber, Gary and Leah have a cute moment on the porch together and I’m genuinely happy these two are acting like fucking human beings for the sake of this kid. Amber and Gary plan to have Leah’s B-day party together. That should be interesting.
Cate and Tyler finally moved into their new house and it’s cute. They are anticipating Butch’s release from jail and Tyler seems less optimistic than usual. When Tyler goes to pick him up, the producers are more excited to him than his own son. Tyler sits at the table listening to Butch talk and looks like he would literally rather be eating glass. It’s really awful to watch. I take back all my funny jokes about crack. Addiction is no joke. I just wonder how many years of fucking up and how much therapy it’s gonna take for Tyler to finally let Butch go and stop trying to save him.
Apparently he’s not quite done, because he’s letting Butch stay in their old house now that he’s home from jail. There’s some murmuring about how Butch is going to fix up the house in exchange for rent while he stays there. Because drug addicts who just got out of jail are super reliable at completing home improvement projects. This is an awesome idea.
Teen Mom OG
That’s really what the next episode is called. So, I’m assuming the producers just ran out of creativity and self-titled this bitch. I think it should have been called “Birthdays and Babies” since the whole hour is about Nova’s second birthday, Leah’s eighth and whether/when their parents will produce siblings. Plus some Farrah crap. So, here we go.
Amber and Gary are planning a surprise birthday party for Leah at a family fun center. Amber thinks they need pink chair covers for the red vinyl chairs. Matt and Gary finally agree on something and veto this idea. Gary asks who Amber is inviting and she says Matt’s son Chris will be coming. Gary and Christina exchange a look because they were concerned when Chris lived with Amber because of his past drug and criminal history.
The party goes off without a hitch. Leah is surprised and everybody gets along well. It only gets a little weird at the end when Gary is asking about Matt and Amber’s wedding date and whether they will have kids. She’s vague about the wedding, but definite about the kids, answering, “I can’t.” We are all wondering why. Surely it isn’t common sense that her fiance is practically a senior citizen who owes back child support for at least a half dozen kids. No, that would be too reasonable.
Later she reveals that she has recently been “re-diagnosed” with both bipolar and borderline personality disorder. The medications she has to take to maintain mental stability are not safe to take during pregnancy. It’s sad, but not really. Here are three reasons why: She already has Leah, pregnant women are crazy enough without being off their meds and Matt certainly isn’t lacking in offspring.
Farrah is still hanging around with her new fake friend Paola and she bought the damn mini horse. Her neighbors are pissed and she says she doesn’t care because she wants to move to San Diego. Like now. Sophia likes California and the climate will be better for Farrah’s allergies. Nevermind her three brand new businesses in Austin. SMH (I Have literally never used that acronym before but I can’t help it in this case.)
Cate and Ty are planning Nova’s second birthday party. It’s a jungle (animal theme). They discuss having another kid and Tyler is way more into the idea than Catelynn. She’s worried about her depression, which is totally rational. Tyler says he wants a boy and it doesn’t take a therapist to know this is about his daddy issues.
On the day of Nova’s party, the whole fam-damily gathers. It’s crazy to see so many ex-wives and husbands in the same room. There’s Catelynn’s mom April, her dad Dave, Tyler’s dad Butch and April’s current husband Rich. Plus Tyler’s mom Kim. It’s quite a clusterfuck, but at least everybody is nice to each other and there are no restraining orders this year. Nova opens presents and Butch gives her a tiny pink t-shirt with a picture of himself that says #freebutch. I think it’s kindof funny but mostly gross. It’s fucked that it’s all a big joke when the best place for him really is locked up in a long-term drug treatment center for at least a year. Ugh. He kills my Teen Mom buzz.
Maci is having an adorable moment on the bed with her two boys, Bentley and Maverick. The baby is sleeping and Bentley is messing with his balls. Maci tells him to stop it and he tells her that his daddy does it. She asks where he wants to spend Thanksgiving and he says with her, not with Ryan’s family. Jen and Larry are pissed off because they really want Benny to see their side of the fam, who haven’t seen him since he was two. I’m guessing this has more to do with Ryan being a flake than anything else.
Larry says he thinks there is some kind of “hokey pokey” going on, which I take to mean that he thinks Maci is manipulating Bentley. I disagree, at least I don’t think she is doing it on purpose. But why leave these decisions in the hands of a kid? Wouldn’t it be more fair if they took turns every other year?