By Guest Contributor Becky J.
Teen Mom OG is the TV equivalent of crack. It gives me a quick and dirty rush and leaves me feeling gross when it’s over. Then I swear I’ll never do it again, only to find myself watching it again. So, when I missed Teen Mom OG last week it was kinda nice to detox, but not as fun as it is gonna be to binge two episodes in a row tonight.
Hello Again World!
Maci
Maci and Taylor are planning Bentley’s eighth birthday, which blows my mind because it means I’ve been watching this stupid show for that long. There is much discussion about how great Ryan’s girlfriend Mackenzie is and how she helps him live a normal life and, like, show up places on time. It is revealed, I think for the first time, that Mackenzie was a teen mom herself. And that she’s only 20 years old! Am I the only one who thinks those two look at least 35?
Farrah
Farrah finally made a sane decision and hired a nanny to take care of Sophia. Good for her since the reason she doesn’t get along with her mom (or anyone else in the world) is because she places unfair demands them, then acts like a total psycho when they disappoint her. Speaking of paid employees, Farrah suddenly produced a new “friend” named Paola to film with since her parents aren’t around. From the looks of Paola, I’m guessing they met in the waiting room at the plastic surgeon’s office.
In other news about Farrah’s staff, Simon comes to town to conduct an employee training at Farrah’s furniture store. WTF? Now he’s some sort of corporate consultant? He’s very versatile for a sleazy pimp she met while doing pron and paid to act like her boyfriend. They go to dinner and Simon unconvincingly talks about how he would like to get back together with her. She says how funny cuz she recently “found” the engagement ring she bought herself, hoping Simon would reimburse her. Like it’s so easy to lose a huge diamond ring that you spent six episodes crying about. Fuck my life for caring about this crazy shit.
Farrah and Sophia jump in their white Maserati and take a trip to a to a mini horse farm. A creepy old man who keeps talking about “little girls” matches them with a white mini horse named Starburst and it looks like we’re going to add another unreasonable pet to the teen mom family. Seriously, a white mini horse. Who does this bitch think she is, Lisa Vanderpump?
When Sophia tells Farrah she doesn’t want any more “old nannies” Farrah gives a doozy of a performance for the camera. She lectures Soph about how they aren’t racist, they don’t discriminate and they don’t do hate crimes. Wait what? We have to worry about seven-year old-girls perpetrating hate crimes now? Shit.
Amber
Amber asks Matt if it’s okay to invite Gary and Khristina to do a family activity while they have Leah for the weekend. His words say yes, but his face says no. It’s no secret I’m not a fan of Matt. He sucks so much ass. She’s no rocket scientist, but I believe Amber is just doing her best to be a mature adult and co-parent. He has no idea how to do that because he’s a fucking 50 year old burnout with 10 kids he never helped raise. Shudder.
They all go on the Halloween haunted hayride together and it seems like Amber and Leah have a good time. Matt doesn’t even make eye contact with Gary when they all say goodbye. Later, Amber, Gary and Leah have a cute moment on the porch together and I’m genuinely happy these two are acting like fucking human beings for the sake of this kid. Amber and Gary plan to have Leah’s B-day party together. That should be interesting.
Catelynn
Cate and Tyler finally moved into their new house and it’s cute. They are anticipating Butch’s release from jail and Tyler seems less optimistic than usual. When Tyler goes to pick him up, the producers are more excited to him than his own son. Tyler sits at the table listening to Butch talk and looks like he would literally rather be eating glass. It’s really awful to watch. I take back all my funny jokes about crack. Addiction is no joke. I just wonder how many years of fucking up and how much therapy it’s gonna take for Tyler to finally let Butch go and stop trying to save him.
Apparently he’s not quite done, because he’s letting Butch stay in their old house now that he’s home from jail. There’s some murmuring about how Butch is going to fix up the house in exchange for rent while he stays there. Because drug addicts who just got out of jail are super reliable at completing home improvement projects. This is an awesome idea.
Teen Mom OG
That’s really what the next episode is called. So, I’m assuming the producers just ran out of creativity and self-titled this bitch. I think it should have been called “Birthdays and Babies” since the whole hour is about Nova’s second birthday, Leah’s eighth and whether/when their parents will produce siblings. Plus some Farrah crap. So, here we go.
Amber
Amber and Gary are planning a surprise birthday party for Leah at a family fun center. Amber thinks they need pink chair covers for the red vinyl chairs. Matt and Gary finally agree on something and veto this idea. Gary asks who Amber is inviting and she says Matt’s son Chris will be coming. Gary and Christina exchange a look because they were concerned when Chris lived with Amber because of his past drug and criminal history.
The party goes off without a hitch. Leah is surprised and everybody gets along well. It only gets a little weird at the end when Gary is asking about Matt and Amber’s wedding date and whether they will have kids. She’s vague about the wedding, but definite about the kids, answering, “I can’t.” We are all wondering why. Surely it isn’t common sense that her fiance is practically a senior citizen who owes back child support for at least a half dozen kids. No, that would be too reasonable.
Later she reveals that she has recently been “re-diagnosed” with both bipolar and borderline personality disorder. The medications she has to take to maintain mental stability are not safe to take during pregnancy. It’s sad, but not really. Here are three reasons why: She already has Leah, pregnant women are crazy enough without being off their meds and Matt certainly isn’t lacking in offspring.
Farrah
Farrah is still hanging around with her new fake friend Paola and she bought the damn mini horse. Her neighbors are pissed and she says she doesn’t care because she wants to move to San Diego. Like now. Sophia likes California and the climate will be better for Farrah’s allergies. Nevermind her three brand new businesses in Austin. SMH (I Have literally never used that acronym before but I can’t help it in this case.)
Catelynn
Cate and Ty are planning Nova’s second birthday party. It’s a jungle (animal theme). They discuss having another kid and Tyler is way more into the idea than Catelynn. She’s worried about her depression, which is totally rational. Tyler says he wants a boy and it doesn’t take a therapist to know this is about his daddy issues.
On the day of Nova’s party, the whole fam-damily gathers. It’s crazy to see so many ex-wives and husbands in the same room. There’s Catelynn’s mom April, her dad Dave, Tyler’s dad Butch and April’s current husband Rich. Plus Tyler’s mom Kim. It’s quite a clusterfuck, but at least everybody is nice to each other and there are no restraining orders this year. Nova opens presents and Butch gives her a tiny pink t-shirt with a picture of himself that says #freebutch. I think it’s kindof funny but mostly gross. It’s fucked that it’s all a big joke when the best place for him really is locked up in a long-term drug treatment center for at least a year. Ugh. He kills my Teen Mom buzz.
Maci
Maci is having an adorable moment on the bed with her two boys, Bentley and Maverick. The baby is sleeping and Bentley is messing with his balls. Maci tells him to stop it and he tells her that his daddy does it. She asks where he wants to spend Thanksgiving and he says with her, not with Ryan’s family. Jen and Larry are pissed off because they really want Benny to see their side of the fam, who haven’t seen him since he was two. I’m guessing this has more to do with Ryan being a flake than anything else.
Larry says he thinks there is some kind of “hokey pokey” going on, which I take to mean that he thinks Maci is manipulating Bentley. I disagree, at least I don’t think she is doing it on purpose. But why leave these decisions in the hands of a kid? Wouldn’t it be more fair if they took turns every other year?
Tyler looks numb and depressed. I feel sorry for him. I don’t think there is much happiness in his life.
They both need jobs, social life and healthy hobbies.
Thanks Becky J ,for the great recap as always. I’m sitting here swearing at On Demand cause Teen Mom OG isn’t updated, so don’t feel too bad. Lol.
Farrah’s friend is a porn star who has been in some of the trashiest movies out there. I looked her up last season when she filmed a scene. The only friends Farrah has had on the show in 3 years have been porn stars. Great parenting!
Nova has Tyler’s tiny head.
Is that the Paola from 30 days marriage on TLC?
Art, I wondered the same thing. It sure looks like her.
Havent even finished reading the recap bc I literally can’t stop laughing. Tamara I thought the same damn thing “wait what” when Farrah said “They don’t do hate crimes”. ROFLMAO. Doozy of a performance is right. Damn she’s she’s a dummy.
I didn’t write this recap. The GLARING lack of typos should have been your first clue! This excellent piece of writing if from Becky J. She also covers RHOP now. She’s a REAL writer. 🙂
I had to go back and rewind to see why Farrah was saying they are not racist and dont do hate crimes. ?? This is what I watch for, she leaves me these gems.
Ok noticed the last couple episodes, but wasn’t sure of Nova’ age. Since its her second birthday, does it seem like she doesn’t say much, and her parents seem to answer instead of letting her say her words. It’s very similar to Matt answering constantly for Amber which is beginning to drive me crazy.!
Tyler seemed like he was hopelessly depressed in almost every scene he was in. I think Catelynn
is pregnant again. She looked pregnant on the live after show. And I’m thinking she was already pregnant and they knew it (maybe) when they were giving such evasive answers to Tyler’s mom on the episode.
I like that Amber tries to coparent with Gary somewhat. I couldn’t help but notice the way Gary and Kristina always looked at eachother when Matt’s son’s name came up in conversation. It was like Gary wanted to say something but didn’t, maybe because they were filming.
Farrah is just awful. How does she suddenly have allergies?? Maybe she’s allergic to that pony. I wonder where Starburst will be two years from now. I’m sure Farrah won’t have him.
I know Gary and Amber are not good together but they do have chemistry together and she always gets and laughs at his little jokes. To badtey can’t work out.
The things said on the show about Matt’s son, if true would not make me have him around my young child either. Even if they seem bitchy who cares if its protecting the little girl. She is so cute and seems the most well balanced out of the OG kids. Although Matt creeps me out big time so I wouldn’t want any child around him either!
Farrah’s pony pisses me off. Poor Starburst is going the way of thousands of bunny and chick Easter presents, and that breaks my heart. She is literally the most ridiculous person I’ve ever seen on TV (and that list includes people like Flavor Flav and that lady who ate her couch cushions on that TLC show about weird fetishes). But I digress.
I feel sorry for Tyler. It seems like he supports a LOT of people and there is no one there to support him. Where is Brittany so she can make that poor guy a sandwich!?!
Gary’s wife Kristina may be the only truly sane and rational person on any MTV show. I hope she gets out quick before they turn her, too.
You have just won all pop culture commentary for life!
I loved your recap! I laughed, I cried, I also wondered why I still watch this shit.
Farrah looks like something from outer space. Remember when she looked like a normal young woman, so pretty and so much less stuff inserted in her orifices. I really despise this person. Truly the only one out of all the stupid shit I watch. That poor pony is doomed. She’ll probably just set it free when she leaves town.
I still say Tyler and his itty, bitty noggin should run for the hills. It would just figure that she’s pregnant again. WTF? Do these girls live in some parallel universe where birth control doesn’t exist? Butch is disgusting and should leave his kids alone. Always standing there with his stupid hand out. Ugh.
I hope Amber wakes up from her re-diagnosis or whatever and gets rid of that large parasite currently sucking her dry. Gary seems like a good dude. I feel like he wants to help her, despite her utter laziness.
I wonder how much of Maci’s storyline is pure BS. I find it hard to believe Ryan’s parents suddenly think she is manipulating Bentley away from them. They know they produced a douche. As an aside, I remember being taken aback by their story – Ryan’s mom also getting pregnant young and the two of them getting married when they barely knew each other. Just, wow.
Great recap Becky! Just spot on with everything. (that means you agree with meeeee!)
I loved that scene with Farrah lecturing her kid on hate crimes…wtf? How’s about having a conversation with the kid and listening to why she’s unhappy with the Nanny? Nope, it’s all about the cameras. What a twit.
By the way, who buys a pony without checking the zoning regulations first? There’s always that sense of entitlement. Then the neighbors, who already have to put up with filming are horrible people for complaining about the pony. THEY’RE why she has to move. I feel bad for Sophia, we only see a little bit of her life during filming-what must that kid see 24/7?
Poor Sophia. Farrah is a nightmare as always. She should have checked on the zoning but I’m sure she wouldn’t have cared that keeping a horse might be illegal. Farrah does whatever Farrah wants to do. Personally I’d rather have a pony living next door than a dog since ponies don’t bark and being vegetarians their poo doesn’t smell as bad as that of a meat eater.
Oy, where to begin??
Farrah is legit the more deplorable person ever. Her manner of speaking to everyone is so off putting. I can see why her mom beat her ass, maybe if she had done more of that while she was growing up she would t be such a nightmare now.
Caitlyn getting pregnant would be the absolute worst thing. She rarely looks like she showers. Age lives in a wardrobe of sweats, leggings and sweatshirts. She needs to wear something with a button, she has gotten so large it’s sad. I’m sure her obesity and terrible diet are contributing factors in her ongoing issues with depression. She’s going to weigh 300 lbs before she hits 30.
Oh Amber, I wish you would figure out who you are. It’s sad she spent thousands on plastic surgery, and looks the same as she always did. Matt’s just there until the money runs out. It’s so obvious. And your kids name is “Leah” not “Boo Boo” she’s 8, come on now.
So I have this yucky head cold thing happening. I was reading your comment via email and I got up am grabbed some salad and sat back down. This took longer than the 39 seconds I can currently hold a thought i my head. I began reading at the second paragraph with the word Caitlyn. I thought of Caitlyn JENNER and reading the rest of that paragraph was very confusing.
It was funny though for a minute. What are we talking about again?