I have to say Southern Charm has a great theme song. So there is that. Also, I am starting to like Cameran better when she is not around the aquatic one or the old chiroptera. In her confessional tonight she tells us that in high school she wanted to be a white witch. So she dyed her hair purple and bought some spells books and did some weird shit in the woods. Somehow, I find this endearing. I know you guys will have a lot to say about that. Then she ruins it all by saying, “But hey! I still got homecoming queen.” See, for a moment there I thought there was as depth to Cameran. Le sigh.
The reason we are hearing about all of this is because we are finally getting some low country culture on this show. Cameran is at a hoodoo doll makers shop. Hoodoo is something that the Geechee/Gullah culture in the low country takes pretty seriously. This doll maker is a white dude though so I think maybe he just likes dollies if you know what I mean. NTTAWWT. I don’t find this odd at all. Cameran picks her doll, and then special orders a love spell doll for Shep. I want a dolly.
Speaking of Shep, he is playing basketball with Austen while talking about who they slept with the night before. Shep knows Austen was with Chelsea and he is going after him on the court because of it. The “Shep is getting old” storyline continues. Shep tries to change the subject to Chelsea and tells Austen he should have gotten the okay from him before “hanging out” with her. Because, bro code. Later, Shep makes a doctor’s appointment to find out why he can’t hang in a basketball game.
Whitney has a date with Thomas. Whitney is actually starting to speak properly after spending some time in the south. He is getting close at least. He orders Thomas’ drink before he arrives, “a double bourbon with just a splash of Coca-cola.” Had he said “co-cola” he would have gotten the order just right. Thomas was apparently an hour late. Allegedly. The theme of the scene is he is Dad of the Year now and has lost his confidence in picking up chicks. Thomas thinks his problem is being a dad. His real problem is he needs to date age appropriate women. Whitney is pushing the stupid Landon storyline. This is Landon’s entire purpose for being on the show this season. Pretend to be into Thomas to infuriate the mother of his child. Thomas is complicit in this bullshit. Landon is not “OC” and he would never be interested in her. Landon knows she will never have a relationship with Thomas.
Jennifer and Kathryn meet for lunch. I cannot abide the little scarf tied around your neck thing that Kathryn is sporting. It gives me claustrophobia. I love her sunglasses though. Point of reference, at this point in time Kathryn is “mostly sober” as Lisa Rinna would say. She has been out of rehab for just a short time and gone to take her first drug test. Things go downhill rapidly at this point. Kathryn is mad at Jennifer because she and Thomas were very friendly at the reunion. I found that a bit odd as well but Thomas was very compassionate about her serious pregnancy complications. He also has a brother with Downs Syndrome if I recall correctly and was therefore extremely supportive of her decision not to have an abortion even though she was medically encouraged (that is the wrong word, but it’s all I have at the moment) to do so.
Jennifer says that she doesn’t know what she has done to upset her. Kathryn says the last time she saw her was in New York (at the reunion) where she was pregnant and concerned for her baby. Jennifer says that Thomas passed her a handkerchief because she was crying, but it would have been better if Kathryn would have hugged her because the show was TOUGH.
I don’t want to say Jennifer is naïve because there is a negative connotation to that word. I think that Jennifer is a bit …innocent? Sheltered? overly trusting? I can’t think of the right word but I do think that she comes from a good place and that she also hasn’t had to want for much in her life growing up. Until the terrifying pregnancy, I am guessing her life was pretty easy. She is not used to dealing with people like Kathryn who can be a bit manipulative and more streetwise than Jennifer appears to be.
Kathryn makes it clear she has no sympathy for the extremely difficult pregnancy she has had. In her confessional she says that all she needs in her life right now are genuine and honest people. I think she totally had that in Jennifer. But that is not how she sees it.
This scene was shortly after Ascher was born. She tells about his emergency brain surgery on the day he was born. If my mortal enemy was telling me this story I would maintain a better facial expression than Kathryn is showing. She’s hard as nails. In her confessional, she says that based on what she saw between Jennifer and Thomas at the reunion, this just seems fishy as well. Kathryn just despises anyone Thomas passes a hankie to. She’s incredibly jealous over nothing. Kathryn says Jennifer is manipulating her with her tears. It’s really mean. Even if I hated Jennifer, I would never talk this way about someone on TV for any reason when she is going through such serious medical drama with a child. If I hated them that much, I would not even film with them. This is such a bad look. Especially when Thomas is making a big point to make it seem like he is Mr. Mom. It’s just not smart or kind.
Craig is made to look like a buffoon on this show. He has had fake jobs with JD who treated him like a moron. He has had TWO fake legal jobs where he was shown as irresponsible and incompetent. He was the one who has always supported Kathryn in the face of the old chiroptera demanding that no one film with her. And just last week, HE PASSED THE BAR! Sure he’s a yankee, but I think he gets a bad wrap on this show. I believe part of him think it is cute to be dumb, kind of like Porsha Williams. Tonight, he gets a sewing machine. It’s a Brothers sewing machine. With the brand named shown it is clearly product placement.
Cameran pretends like she is trying to sell Shep his house. She is on the phone with an agent for a $200K house nowhere near the water. Shep’s house is close to ten times that figure. Oh it was for Craig. That could be plausible, except Naomie’s family is wealthy so that is probably below their price range as well. It sounds like Craig was looking for an investment property. Maybe. Nothing is making sense. Yes, investment property it is.
In other news, they are making Craig seem gay. I do not get a gay vibe from Craig at all, he’s just sort of beta. Craig thinks he can start his own clothing line, buy investment properties and study for the bar. Naomie says he can’t. Why not? He’s not trying to be Calvin Klein, he’s probably planning to do what Shep is doing and selling novelty shit. And so he buys a house and puts it with a managment company. People are too judgemental about Shep. Shut up Naomie! CRAIG PASSED THE BAR!
I love how Thomas is shown pouring a Nob Creek on the rocks at his house, and not his very bestest friends version of “bourbon whiskey.” Bourbon is from Kentucky. Then some other unimportant shit happened.
Shep goes to the doctor to find out why he doesn’t feel good. Clearly they filmed this on a weekend as there are no other patients reading Highlights magazine from 1997 in the waiting room. And here is the issue. If you tell your doctor the truth about smoking and drinking then you are judged and scorned. It’s a fact. Don’t ask me how I know this. My last, and shittiest doctor in the world from Kaiser Permanente would literally read me the GUIDELINES FOR DRINKING from a script on her laptop every time I went to see her. Blah blah blah no more than seven drinks a week or two drinks in a night. So after I DONE TOLE HER the first time, I just started saying that. I get they have to give you the lecture, but does it have to be every time I sprain an ankle or have a touch of the flu? Stop drink shaming me bitch! So Shep lies at seven, then asks if shots count and ups his answer to twelve a night. Then in confessional he says it is just like the answer to how many people you have slept with, he says to divide by 2 and then add ten. I think that probably would still put him in the four digit group. He’s single, screw about three chick as week and 47.
Dr. Maguire arrives he tells him to stop drinking for a week. He’s not sure if he can do it. Um, Shep. Lent is God’s way of letting our liver recover. It’s forty plus days. You need to get with that program. And buy some Liver Complex at Kroger. Not that I did that today or anything. Cheers!
Next Week: Shep films with Kathryn, because he isn’t a bad guy, he just has Peter Pan Complex. The old chiroptera has her minions over to dine on god only knows what. And Cameron give Shep his hoodoo doll that clearly doesn’t work because we have this hogwash as a spinoff now.