By Guest Contributor Becky J.
Tonight’s RHOP should have been called “Bring the Drama and Your Mama” but nobody asked me. It was actually my favorite episode of the season thus far. Gizelle’s mom is visiting from Houston and there’s a convoluted backstory about how Gizelle’s mom and her (kindof) boyfriend Kevin are great friends. Something about how Gizelle and Kevin used to live in the same “community” (sounds like fancy code for condo or apartment building).
Later, Gizelle takes her mom to Kevin’s house for a lunch. Everybody is dressed normally except Gizelle, who’s rocking a cheap-looking fucsia tube dress, matching spiked gladiator heels and a statement necklace, looking like she’s trying to be 24 and ready for da club. Kevin calls Gizelle’s mom “mom” and introduces them to “little Kevin” which is not a nickname for his penis. Kevin’s son is also Kevin, how creative. Gizelle compliments the senior Kevin on his “bachelor pad” and he takes offense. He says that has a negative connotation and it’s just his home. Gizelle says she likes it when a man puts her in check and tells her to “go sit down somewhere.” On behalf of the entire universe: Gizelle, go sit down somewhere.
Karen’s mole has a series of sit down meals. This bitch is always dining for the cameras! First, she’s out with her husband, who is obviously a bit annoyed by her. She runs verbal circles around him about scallops having flavor and how he didn’t notice her unremarkable beige on blush outfit. She repeatedly refers to herself in the third person as “mommy” during conversation, which is disturbing. After dinner, they awkwardly begin slow dancing in the middle of the fully-lit dining area. It’s awesome. And by awesome, I mean it makes me die of embarrassment for them.
The most interesting thing about Karen is the reveal during confessional interviews that she was married before the black Bill Gates and her son is a product of her first marriage. (Still being interviewed in the baby blue bandage dress with the bad head cold. Gawd, can we please move past that day of taping? I keep hoping she’s finally taken some Dayquil in every new clip.) This may have been discussed in season one, but I don’t remember. Anyway, it’s vaguely interesting.
Karen dines again. This time with her aforementioned son and she’s in rare form. She gives him shit about living 20 minutes away and never making time to see her. It seems my assessment of Karen’s relationship with her daughter from last week can also be applied here. They both clearly try to avoid her. I would too. During conversation with her son, Karen says that her husband hates being called the black Bill Gates. It makes me laugh to think of Bill Gates’ Bing Alerts (cuz obviously he wouldn’t have Google alerts, stay with me) blowing up over this ridiculous show. Karen’s son blames his lack of communication on the fact that his mom only uses text dictation on her iPhone and he doesn’t understand her garbled messages. She says she’s going to call Apple and have Siri fired. She actually looks serious and her son looks disgusted with her.
Charrisse hosts Ashley and Monique for backyard mimosas in the blazing sun and they all pretend it’s comfortable. They look hot and seem like they have very little in common. Monique and Ashley overshare about how they both use the pull-out method of birth control. Charrisse muses that pulling out would be like going to a surprise party and realizing it’s not for you. What? The whole conversation is so dumb, I actually lost IQ points while watching. The ladies plan a hookah night to “reintroduce” Monique to the group and that’s bound to be a success (giggle, giggle).
Charrisse is planning her daughter’s sixteenth birthday party and hires Ashley’s restaurant to cater because she supports small businesses. Then she talks shit in her interview about how she won’t be eating that food. The party sounds like a re-run of the stupid 50th birthday party from last season. Charrisse goes on and on about how she’s sparing no expense and she doesn’t care what her (soon to be ex) husband thinks, if he talks to her, or comes as long as he pays for everything. It’s really shallow and you can see how sad she is. She later cries via FaceTime to her online therapist, Dr. Jeff, of RHOA fame. I love it ALL because I’m a sicko.
Then, the show transforms into My Super Sweet 16. It’s a white party and Ashley is wearing a blue dress. Did nobody tell her to wear white because she’s technically the caterer and not a guest? The kids aren’t eating the kangaroo meat sliders. Shocking. The estranged husband, Eddie, actually showed up at the party and Charrisse awkwardly avoids talking to him while talking about him the whole time. The birthday girl, Skylar (wearing hot pink) gets a trip to Tahiti in the form of a giant Publishers Clearing House-style check. Weird. Did she fail her driving test? Does she already have a Range Rover? Did Eddie know he was paying for this trip? I’m sure Charrisse will be going to Tahiti too since Skylar is a minor. Well played shady Cha-Cha.
The ladies show up for the hookah bar night. It’s BYOB and Monique brings two fancy bottles of wine (she tells us how much they cost) and her travel aerator. Is she fucking serious? In contrast, Robyn shows up with a half-empty bottle of Ciroc. It’s the best. Monique pretends to be tight with the Obamas and there’s a collective eye roll. I like her, but it’s getting silly now. Gizelle (wearing the same tacky fucsia gladiators) asks if Charrisse is ready to get laid after the official breakup of her marriage. The ladies all poke at her about her personal life and she says she’s been celibate for two years. What about the firefighter boyfriend? Somehow this leads to Charrisse sharing about a moped accident in her teens that left her vagina (which she inexplicably calls a “tutu”) disfigured. The only cast member who seems able to actually say the word vagina is Ashley. Karen calls it a “va-jay-jay” like she’s on Grey’s Anatomy in 2006.
The whole thing has me wanting my mommy! Until next week…