By Guest Contributor Becky J.
Tonight’s RHOP should have been called “Bring the Drama and Your Mama” but nobody asked me. It was actually my favorite episode of the season thus far. Gizelle’s mom is visiting from Houston and there’s a convoluted backstory about how Gizelle’s mom and her (kindof) boyfriend Kevin are great friends. Something about how Gizelle and Kevin used to live in the same “community” (sounds like fancy code for condo or apartment building).
Later, Gizelle takes her mom to Kevin’s house for a lunch. Everybody is dressed normally except Gizelle, who’s rocking a cheap-looking fucsia tube dress, matching spiked gladiator heels and a statement necklace, looking like she’s trying to be 24 and ready for da club. Kevin calls Gizelle’s mom “mom” and introduces them to “little Kevin” which is not a nickname for his penis. Kevin’s son is also Kevin, how creative. Gizelle compliments the senior Kevin on his “bachelor pad” and he takes offense. He says that has a negative connotation and it’s just his home. Gizelle says she likes it when a man puts her in check and tells her to “go sit down somewhere.” On behalf of the entire universe: Gizelle, go sit down somewhere.
Karen’s mole has a series of sit down meals. This bitch is always dining for the cameras! First, she’s out with her husband, who is obviously a bit annoyed by her. She runs verbal circles around him about scallops having flavor and how he didn’t notice her unremarkable beige on blush outfit. She repeatedly refers to herself in the third person as “mommy” during conversation, which is disturbing. After dinner, they awkwardly begin slow dancing in the middle of the fully-lit dining area. It’s awesome. And by awesome, I mean it makes me die of embarrassment for them.
The most interesting thing about Karen is the reveal during confessional interviews that she was married before the black Bill Gates and her son is a product of her first marriage. (Still being interviewed in the baby blue bandage dress with the bad head cold. Gawd, can we please move past that day of taping? I keep hoping she’s finally taken some Dayquil in every new clip.) This may have been discussed in season one, but I don’t remember. Anyway, it’s vaguely interesting.
Karen dines again. This time with her aforementioned son and she’s in rare form. She gives him shit about living 20 minutes away and never making time to see her. It seems my assessment of Karen’s relationship with her daughter from last week can also be applied here. They both clearly try to avoid her. I would too. During conversation with her son, Karen says that her husband hates being called the black Bill Gates. It makes me laugh to think of Bill Gates’ Bing Alerts (cuz obviously he wouldn’t have Google alerts, stay with me) blowing up over this ridiculous show. Karen’s son blames his lack of communication on the fact that his mom only uses text dictation on her iPhone and he doesn’t understand her garbled messages. She says she’s going to call Apple and have Siri fired. She actually looks serious and her son looks disgusted with her.
Charrisse hosts Ashley and Monique for backyard mimosas in the blazing sun and they all pretend it’s comfortable. They look hot and seem like they have very little in common. Monique and Ashley overshare about how they both use the pull-out method of birth control. Charrisse muses that pulling out would be like going to a surprise party and realizing it’s not for you. What? The whole conversation is so dumb, I actually lost IQ points while watching. The ladies plan a hookah night to “reintroduce” Monique to the group and that’s bound to be a success (giggle, giggle).
Charrisse is planning her daughter’s sixteenth birthday party and hires Ashley’s restaurant to cater because she supports small businesses. Then she talks shit in her interview about how she won’t be eating that food. The party sounds like a re-run of the stupid 50th birthday party from last season. Charrisse goes on and on about how she’s sparing no expense and she doesn’t care what her (soon to be ex) husband thinks, if he talks to her, or comes as long as he pays for everything. It’s really shallow and you can see how sad she is. She later cries via FaceTime to her online therapist, Dr. Jeff, of RHOA fame. I love it ALL because I’m a sicko.
Then, the show transforms into My Super Sweet 16. It’s a white party and Ashley is wearing a blue dress. Did nobody tell her to wear white because she’s technically the caterer and not a guest? The kids aren’t eating the kangaroo meat sliders. Shocking. The estranged husband, Eddie, actually showed up at the party and Charrisse awkwardly avoids talking to him while talking about him the whole time. The birthday girl, Skylar (wearing hot pink) gets a trip to Tahiti in the form of a giant Publishers Clearing House-style check. Weird. Did she fail her driving test? Does she already have a Range Rover? Did Eddie know he was paying for this trip? I’m sure Charrisse will be going to Tahiti too since Skylar is a minor. Well played shady Cha-Cha.
The ladies show up for the hookah bar night. It’s BYOB and Monique brings two fancy bottles of wine (she tells us how much they cost) and her travel aerator. Is she fucking serious? In contrast, Robyn shows up with a half-empty bottle of Ciroc. It’s the best. Monique pretends to be tight with the Obamas and there’s a collective eye roll. I like her, but it’s getting silly now. Gizelle (wearing the same tacky fucsia gladiators) asks if Charrisse is ready to get laid after the official breakup of her marriage. The ladies all poke at her about her personal life and she says she’s been celibate for two years. What about the firefighter boyfriend? Somehow this leads to Charrisse sharing about a moped accident in her teens that left her vagina (which she inexplicably calls a “tutu”) disfigured. The only cast member who seems able to actually say the word vagina is Ashley. Karen calls it a “va-jay-jay” like she’s on Grey’s Anatomy in 2006.
The whole thing has me wanting my mommy! Until next week…
Charrisse is the most insufferable housewife of all time, and that’s saying something. Anyone who needs an alter ego needs smacked – you are not Beyoncé, honey. Go away forever.
Robyn is the only reason I watch. She seems so kind, and I really hope that next week’s gossip isn’t true that Juan isn’t dating someone. But she deserves better, and those kids – so cute.
Great recap as per usual, Becky J!
Agree! I love Robyn!
Agreed. Love Robyn. I hope Juan is not cheating again for her sake.
Charisse lost me with her opening tag line last season ‘if I don’t know you, you’re not worth knowing ‘. Ugh. How do you meet new people? I think she protests too much saying she has been celibate for two years. That was a carefully timed comment.
I do love me some Gizelle and am glad Monique is on this season instead of wacko Katie. She us not afraid to throw down with anyone including the mother in law! She has the money, the beauty, and the husband. But, who discusses the pulll out method? TMI !!
Thanks Becky J. Great recap. I finally figured out what kept bugging me about Charrisse this season. She is sounding and acting like Sheree!!
I really, really, really like Robyn. She seems like she wouldn’t hesitate to tell any of these dumb old broads what time it is, and I bet she could tug Karen’s wig straight off her head if it came to it.
But……
Turning up to a BYOB bar with a half-finished bottle of Ciroc because you ain’t got the cash to buy a new one is about the tackiest thing I’ve ever seen. On this show, the entire franchise, or in life in general. They need to put a “donate” button on her Twitter page or something, I feel bad for her.
Maybe she was hoping for a case of Ciroc to be sent to her for promoting it on the show?
Damn, I felt so bad, I nearly sent her one myself LOL!
(Although, putting the jokes aside, I commend her for not hiding how broke she is and not trying to front about it. I’m not sure if it’s as going to work on reality TV – we’re used to the extremity of Sonja’s delusions, and the Giudices frauding themselves all the way into the big house – but it’s refreshing seeing people handling their money worries the way most of us probably would.)
I didn’t really take it like that. Personally I wouldn’t be caught dead showing up with a half bottle of Ciroc on NATIONAL TV, however I would absolutely do it in real life. Not because I can’t afford a new bottle but because I am always in a rush and I would probably end up taking the easy way out and not stopping by the store to get a brand new bottle. I really don’t believe that Robyn is that strapped for cash, most likely it’s the second scenario…
Maybe she drank the other half in the parking lot to steel herself for round 3 with these bitches?
Agreed on how Robyn is handling her financials. Good for her for owning it and being honest. And for buying a home she can afford. I love her for that!
Omg…Karen’s wig is a sloppy mess. I mean is there any edges left.
I love Robin too and I appreciate that she’s not a fake(Gizelle needs to take note) but I too felt bad for her with that open bottle of Ciroc .
I hope next week’s preview about Juan is just a tease but I think it’s true and I feel terrible for her. She’s the nicest one on this show and one of reasons I watch.
I was surprised RHOP was offered a second season because – boring and not, as posh as the franchise. Oh well, here they are.
Robyn and Ashley are the realest of the women, the pair speak their truth and one can deal or not.
If it’s true that Juan is dating someone else, Robyn will be hurt (sad) but not surprised. Besides their boys, he shows no interest in her. In season one, I kept saying to self – what are her expectations of him outside of them parenting their children?!
I found Monique name dropping and stating the price of her wines over the top.
Thanks for recap.
Did I miss it or did you purposely not recap the fight between Gizelle and Monique?
Yeah! And what about the part when Robyn visits her parents… that was quite important b/c they pretty much agree that Robyn and Juan should go their separate ways.
I love you Becky… thank you for the recap!
Now that the ladies KNOW they are part of the franchise they are playing for angled storylines. It’s disappointing. That being said- watching Charrisse with her teenage children at the party (her son hugging her in a half nelson, her daughter so appreciative) was such a touching moment that it was just Everything.
Karen is my least favorite housewife. She is so phony and her personality is not appealing. I understand why her son doesn’t bother to visit or call. I can only stomach 1 or 2 minutes of her convo & persona.
I agree and you said it perfectly!! I’m embarrassed watching her. Does she not hear herself or read others expressions? Lol
*chuckles* Karen is still over the top, but she’s a lot better than S1. imo
She is so gross!
1. I’m so intruiged about what Karen is hiding.
2. Am I though only one with the opinion that Charrrrrrrisssssse used to be Charles?
3. I want a travel aerator.
4. Was the wine really a brag? Sounded more like someone bragging on a bargain… “USED to be 250 dollars… now it’s 70!”
5. I would drink half a bottle of vodka on the way to a party.
6. Was Gizelle not going on about how she was whoooole black to Ashley on S1? Her momma don’t look so black…
Mark, I too am intrigued and can’t wait to see what Karen is hiding. I find her to be unintentionally funny at times but she Gazelle and Charrrissee try waayy to hard!
Speaking of Charrisse she does have masculine features so I could see where you would have that thought.
I agree with you and I don’t think Monique’s mention of the wine was a brag, I think to broke Gazelle everything sounds like a brag to her. Notice how on Beverly Hills, New York of Ladies of London(I know it’s not a Housewives show but it makes my point) where the ladies are actually wealthy, no one is offended by the mention of the cost of wine or the # of properties owned. It’s only the pretenders. This is why I find Robyn and Ashley refreshing, I feel that they keep it real.
This isn’t my favorite Bravo show, but at least it’s fresh. NJ and Atl have gotten so old and tired. These ladies have some spunk, although Gizelle acts a fool. I like the little Ashley, she seems so earnest, and the new girl is getting a bum rap. Anyway, These ladies dress a little better than Atlanta women. Hope that is neutral enough for the High PooBah.
Name of hookah lounge?
Right what’s the name of hookah lounge ?
Its funny how Robyn keeps it real with everyone else except JUAN & HERSELF…Dummy!!!