RuPaul’s Drag Race: Reality Stars, The Musical

By The Lady Cocotte

If there’s one thing I can count on, it’s RuPaul’s passion for self-promotion. How else do you explain tonight’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race? Or, as it’s become known on social media, the Kardashian episode. No, VH1 didn’t splurge on K-family judges (although Khloe faced-off with Bianca Del Rio in season six). They just wrote a musical about the famous Armenians and crammed it full of drag queens. No big deal. Nothing to see here. Momager Kris, herself an aficionado of the fanfaronade, is overjoyed and the Kardashian clan has been tweeting about it all day. Just as Mama Ru planned. I just hope the queens don’t get overshadowed by all the hype…

Charlie Hides is gone and Trinity Taylor cleans the mirror so fast the girls don’t get a chance to read her farewell message (“Ladies, I’ve enjoyed getting to know each + every one of you! Slay it. xo Charlie”). Too bad Trinity can’t erase her poor performance so easily. The girls seem dumbfounded that Charlie gave up. She had a lot of excuses (broken rib, can’t lip-sync, etc.) but it was obvious she simply tapped out. Sweet little Farrah Moan stirs the pot by asking Trinity how it felt to be thrown under the bus by her teammates. Trinity isn’t the type of girl to let something like that go unpunished. I imagine we’ll see much more of her Eureka feud in the weeks to come. I’m just impressed that Farrah was the one to poke the bear. The challenge winners (Shea Couleé and Sasha Velour) get a brief moment of congratulations before the knives come out. I mean, come on. This isn’t RuPaul’s Best Friend Race.

MINI-CHALLENGE

Just when I was about to stop calling the maxi-challenge a maxi-challenge (I mean, what’s the point if it’s the only challenge?) RuPaul shakes things up by bringing back the mini-challenges. And it includes the Pit Crew in their skivvies! The girls have been locked up tight with nary a Grindr hookup for five weeks so they’re overjoyed. The mini-challenge is to take a sexy selfie. I see the Kardashian tie-in starting early. The girls get into beach drag and direct their photoshoots. Eureka is the only one to get slightly physical but even her shot is very PG. It has to play in Peoria, after all. Valentina hides and requests a big introduction. The girl sure knows how to make an entrance. Alexis Michelle wins! To be honest, most of the shots looked identical but it’s nice to see Alexis get some attention.

MAXI-CHALLENGE

The maxi-challenge is starring in the hip-hop herstory/lip-sync extravaganza Kardashian, The Musical. The queens freak. If you ignore anything that happened before 2010, you can’t get much more iconic than Kim K. As the mini-challenge winner, Alexis gets to assign all of the roles. What a stroke of luck that the Broadway queen is in charge of the musical! After listening to the track, Alexis makes some important decisions. She will play Kris Jenner. Kudos to her for choosing the role that fits her instead of going for the obvious ingenue. She hands out the rest of the roles: Eureka is North West, Cynthia Lee Fontaine is Kim (hmmm), Farrah Moan is Kylie, Valentina is Kendall, Aja is Kourtney, Nina Bo’nina Brown is Khloe, Shea Couleé is Blac Chyna, Sasha Velour is Lindsay Lohan, Trinity Taylor is Paris Hilton and Peppermint is Britney. It’s strange casting, to be sure. Alexis is clearly playing a game. I can’t fault her for it. But for some of her castmates, it feels personal. They’re pissed. This should be fun.

Sidenote: For the second week in a row, there is no Wendy Williams. I think someone got fired, y’all.

As the queens work on their musical, Farrah explains the Tyga/Blac Chyna/Kylie/Rob dynamic to Valentina. I only mention it so I can point out that Valentina is drawing in her boy eyebrows. Ok, Tamara? Can you concentrate on the rest of the show now? Eureka is on crutches from her cheerleading accident but she’s not letting it get her down. It obviously can’t compare to the pain of performing without padding but it’s nice to see a queen refuse to complain. The “Nina has no confidence” storyline gathers steam. Not only is she defeated over her part (no one ever wants to be the Khloe), she admits she never fully unpacked because she didn’t think she was sticking around very long. Girl! You’ll never make it with that attitude. Get yourself a revenge body and buck the fuck up.

The girls hit the mainstage to meet with their director/choreographer Todrick Hall. Eureka starts things out and she plans to dance her ass off, crutches and all. Trinity is laughing on the inside, hoping she fails. Nina watches Shea rehearse with unbridled jealousy. She should be Blac Chyna! It’s just not fair. Kim, Kourtney and Khloe are all miscast and Cynthia, Aja and Nina struggle. Todrick calls Nina out on her stank face. She complains about her role, again. He tells her she’ll be in trouble if she shows that to the judges but she refuses to drop it. Sigh. Farrah and Valentina struggle with patty cake. Double sigh. At least they make it cute. Todrick doesn’t agree. Don’t worry. Valentina will whip Farrah into shape. Or maybe we’ll see a Farrah/Nina lip-sync. Hmmm.

On performance day everyone is in good spirits. Eureka is a little concerned that she’s wearing ballet flats. Alaska tells us if you’re not wearing nails, you’re not doing drag but I think a better case could be made for heels. She decides she needs to apologize to Valentina and Sasha for the eating disorder quips she made last week. Despite misconceptions made about country accents, Eureka is no dummy. The words she speaks are moving and humble. Sasha explains that she is extra sensitive about the topic because her early twenties were enslaved by anorexia. Valentina admits that she’s still suffering. Shea adds that she had her own problems with bulimia. We sometimes forget that men have eating disorders too. They’re grateful they can talk to each other about it. The sisterhood comes through. Alexis points out, “This is RuPaul’s Best Friend Race.” Sasha corrects her. This is RuPaul’s Best Group Therapy Race.

RUNWAY

On the runway, RuPaul is all aglitter in silver sparkles. I’m fascinated by her new, fuller padding. Is it a nod to her aging beauty or the Kardashian effect? Michelle Visage and Carson Kressley are joined by All Stars Two judge Todrick Hall and musician Meghan Trainor in a unicorn onesie.

We start with Kardashian, The Musical. Trinity and Sasha are great as It Girls Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan but Peppermint’s Britney blows them out of the water. And then there’s the horribly miscast Cynthia. She is both overdressed and underperforming as Kim K. Alexis does a spot-on Momager (I mean, she is a Broadway actress, after all) but Aja and Nina are as disappointing as Cynthia. Tricky casting, Miss Michelle. And I have to give a shout out to shady production for giving Khloe a deep, manly voice. Valentina shines as Kendall but Farrah continues to struggle as Kylie. She has the look (natch) but just can’t master patty cake. She does much better when she gets her own moment. She might not lip-sync after all. The judges hoot and holler for Shea Couleé’s Blac Chyna. Sorry, Nina. She owned that role. Eureka is cute as North West but the judges seem unimpressed with her lack of movement. She is going to be in trouble if she has to lip-sync on crutches. Overall, the musical is a lot of fun and a call back to the performances we enjoy on Drag Race. Keep it up. Please.

The runway category is Faux Fur Fabulousness. There are some high notes. Sasha Velour does Russia via Alaska (the state, not the queen). Shea Couleé goes fashion Muppet (especially compared to her entrance look). And Valentina goes unique in a snakeskin dress and sable coat. She’s simply stunning. Others don’t quite make the grade. Trinity Taylor looks like Kimora Blac from the Princess challenge. Ooh! How pissed is Kimora that she didn’t get to perform in the Kardashian musical. I wonder what role she would have wanted… Farrah Moan looks cheap in green short shorts and I’m surprised. She usually shines on the runway. Alexis Michelle is boring in a short fur coat. And I actually thought Aja was Valentina in all white until I saw her bad makeup and sad padding. It’s all in the details, ladies.

Sasha Velour, Aja, Valentina, Trinity Taylor and Eureka are safe.

Top queens: Peppermint, Alexis Michelle and Shea Couleé

Bottom queens: Cynthia Lee Fontaine, Nina Bo’nina Brown and Farrah Moan

The judges love Peppermint’s Britney but knock Cynthia for not knowing her Kim lines. Todrick asks Nina what her problem is and she complains again about her role. She feels she was sabotaged. RuPaul digs deeper and asks if this is a recurring theme in her life. Nina cries, again. Ru advises to not let her victimhood ruin her chance on Drag Race. I wish she could see how talented she is. Farrah Moan was boring as Kylie. She’s a gorgeous girl but she never fully commits to any role other than Farrah Moan. Meghan Trainor tells Shea she stole the show and Nina dies inside a little more.

Winner: Shea Couleé

LIP-SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE

The two queens up for elimination are Cynthia Lee Fontaine and Farrah Moan. They perform Woman Up by Meghan Trainor.

I’m reeling from Nina’s safety. Well, she is a good storyline. I’m just not ready to see either of these queens go home. Cynthia is a fierce performer. She knows she can’t dance in her bulky coat dress so she starts by stripping. Farrah is cute but I think she’s intimidated by Cynthia. She kind of bops around but she’s not really connecting with the song. Cynthia is dancing hard but it’s kind of boring. Is it just me or is this lip-sync tedious? I expected so much more. Granted, neither of them knows the song and it’s not the best to lip-sync to but still. They’re professionals. It’s too bad they didn’t go with All About That Bass but I assume Meghan negotiated to get her new song played. Oh well, the rest of the episode was good. Farrah is crying. She knows she’s leaving.

But, instead of sending someone home, RuPaul asks for a moment. Is she going to keep both of them? After that lip-sync? RuPaul asks Eureka to step forward. What? No! The doctor says she needs time to heal so RuPaul cuts her. Farrah starts sobbing. She’s not the only one. RuPaul promises her a spot in Season 10 but it still hurts. Eureka, sashay away.

Next week: Snatch Game! With guest judges Candis Cayne and Denis O’Hare (that’s Elizabeth Taylor, bitches!).

And don’t forget to watch Untucked, right here at TamaraTattles.com!