By Guest Contributor Becky J.
My addiction to trashy TV knows no bottom. I’ve been obsessed with Teen Mom since the very beginning. I was already 30ish and still years from being a mom in 2009 when the show started, but I knew crazy, so I could still relate. Years later, it’s even more nuts and still my guilty pleasure. I would never admit it to anybody but (the entire Internet and ) my husband, because we share a DVR.
This season begins right where we left off with Maci (frowning) and Tyler (with a ridiculously giant beard) now married, juggling a million babies and a business, Catelynn and Tyler are struggling with psycho family members, mutual mental illnesses and longing to move into their new home like it’s gonna fix them. Amber is sharing custody of Leah with Gary and still engaged to (Creepy Mc Creepster) Matt, although they have postponed their wedding. Then there’s Farrah, sigh. She has remained broken up from her pimp/pretend boyfriend Simon and finding new and creative ways to abuse her parents while opening several new businesses. So, that’s where we’ll start.
The show opens on Farrah bossing around some unfortunate employees at her new children’s clothing boutique, named for her spawn: Sophia Laurent. All I can think after that awful scene last season where she went nuts and fired the girl who had basically been holding the yogurt shop together, is that these women can do better. Working anywhere else is better. Farrah arrives at her house and both Derek’s dad and her mom are there. She gives her mom a bunch of shit about how Soph’s hair isn’t curled to her specifications. They all go to an annoying photo shoot where Sophia is (further) exploited to sell furniture, yogurt and clothes.
Later, Farrah and her mom Debra have a conversation that is supposed to move their relationship forward after some extensive therapy. The healing hits a roadblock when Farrah is (her normal self) defensive, loud and assholish right off the bat. Debra responds in a super mature manner by saying that the doc told her she doesn’t need therapy because Farrah is the problem, then crying. Farrah declares herself “done” with her mom. They should all be thrown in the loony bin as far as I’m concerned.
Speaking of done, Maci is preparing for Halloween, complaining about how co-parenting with Ryan is frustrating and she is so done. As usual. I feel like we are in a time warp only Maci has more kids than she did last year.
Ryan and his parents are at a restaurant with Mackenzie, who is still hanging in there as Ryan’s girlfriend despite the fact he is a sociopath or has undiagnosed Asbergers or something. They talk about how beautiful Maci’s wedding was. Ryan, with a giant dip of tobacco in in his bottom lip, (over) shares with the table about a dream he had where Maci was getting married in a giant white dress of his imagining instead of her real life wedding dress. It’s very weird. I watched the supertease, so I think this is supposed to be foreshadowing that he and Mackenzie get engaged. It just comes off as Ryan looking pathetic and unhinged. To his credit, he did actually show up for trick-or-treating this year. He was only like, 30 minutes late.
Amber is feeding Leah cotton candy and talking about starting an online boutique called Forever Haute. She says the word haute is “French, I believe” without a trace of shame. Like she couldn’t be bothered to Google it before she named her boutique. The slogan is “Be Classy, Be Sexy, be Haute” and she plans to begin with women’s wear, then branch out to kids’ clothing. Because the world needs more classy, sexy, haute children. Gahhh!
Amber doesn’t look any different to me in spite of her major surgical mommy makeover at the end of last season. She talks about how difficult her recovery from plastic surgery was due to the fact she chose to take minimal narcotic pain meds cuz of her history of addiction. Great choice on her part and Matt makes a big show of how he fully supports her decisions. He fucking should since she supports him financially and he claims to be in recovery also, but was swilling beers in pretty much every episode last season. He’s gross.
Amber is running errands after taking a bunch of Tylenol for toothache and feels sick. She shows the producers the inside of her mouth and there are murmurs of shock and horror. Apparently it’s fucked and she needs to see a dentist pronto. She’s clearly awesome at taking care of herself.
Later, she melts down because Gary won’t let Leah spend the night with her on a school night. Gary’s wife, Kristina, who seems like a truly nice person, asks Gary what it will take for Amber to be able to take Leah at the “spurt of the moment” (isn’t that what got them all into this situation?). Gary says when pigs fly and I wish I could blame him.
Cate and Tyler are still finishing renovations on their new house. It seems like it has been a really long project, right? Tyler is pretty sad because Butch is back in jail. The producer asks why he was arrested and they say Butch has asked them not to talk about it. I’m pretty sure that’s code for went on a three-week meth binge and forgot he was on parole. Tyler tells his mom that he is really struggling and needs to go back to therapy.
When he meets with his therapist, Tyler admits that he feels emotionally exhausted from dealing with Cate’s depression, all his responsibilities and his crazy dad. He’s seems really sad and it sucks. I admire Tyler and Cate for being so candid about their struggles with mental illness. They are pretty impressive (except for Cate’s pot while driving/impulse buying a pig phase) especially if you consider the families they grew up with. I’m rooting for them!