It’s been a long season of Vanderpump Rules but tonight we finally say goodbye. Goodbye, Tequila Katie. Goodbye, White Kanye. Goodbye, mean girls. Goodbye, Scheana Shay. Luckily for us, only one of those goodbyes is permanent. After a little break I’m going to really miss these “kids.” But for now we have one last reunion to slog our way through so let’s get this show on the road.
A discussion of the New Orleans Bachelor/Bachelorette party gets serious pretty quickly when Katie announces that all of her fights with Schwartz were Sandoval and Ariana’s fault. Schwartz begs that they add a little asterisk to that thought. You really think an asterisk will cover it, Tom? On the other side of the room, Sandoval makes faces only a teenage girl can pull off. He’s not buying what Katie is selling.
Stassi gets emotional talking about Jax’s apology but no one’s interested in that storyline. Andy wants to know how Brittany felt watching that after being bullied by Jax all season. As she talks about her pain when he refuses to take any responsibility in their relationship, Jax stares her down with seething hostility. He’s been highly reactive to her throughout the entire reunion. I assume they’re hiding their break up because of their spin-off but if they’re still together I’m a little worried for Brittany. Jax’s displeasure reads a little too controlling for my comfort. Jax apologizes to Brittany for apologizing in front of her. He never quite gets it.
Andy asks Katie for her reaction to Sandoval’s tears and Jax advising Schwartz to cancel the wedding at the Gator Hunt. She whines about them not being supportive friends to her. It was all poor Schwartz, poor Schwartz. Sandoval turns it around on the hyenas and yells at them for enabling all of Katie’s drama by laying all the blame on Schwartz. They disagree to agree but it’s clear they’re all awful people.
We revisit drag night, the highlight of the season as far as I’m concerned. Sandoval wins Vanderpump’s Drag Race. James Kennedy talks about the deluge of tweets he got that Ariana’s douchie drag king was clearly modeled after him. And she did it so well.
Kristen gloats about forcing the Vegas Girl fight. She thinks she saved Katie and Schwartz’s marriage by making them deal with it. And she has a point. These two love to ignore problems. Where she loses me is that Vegas Girl was the root of all their issues. Unsurprisingly, the whole thing devolves into a fight between Kristen and Sandoval. They think they’re fighting Katie and Schwartz’s fight but this has always been about their relationship.
Watching Katie and Schwartz fight in New Orleans validated LVP’s initial refusal to ordain the wedding. It was pretty brutal. It really seemed like they hated each other. But now everyone brags about what a wonderful couple they are. Ugh Andy wonders who will get the next Wedding By Bravo. Kristen and Carter? Jax and Brittany? Maybe Tom and Ariana? Kristen jokes that she might be able to trick Carter into marrying her. Could you imagine a whole season of Bridezilla Kristen? Make this happen, Andy Cohen. We deserve it after wading through five months of Katie hell.
Andy makes fun of Schwartz’s river bath on his wedding day. “Is that your definition of woodsy elegance?” Schwartz gets emotional talking about Zach Galifianakis his brothers. Sandoval tears up because, Sandoval. And Andy brings up the best part of the wedding: Sandoval using a dog as a handkerchief. Priceless.
Finally, we get to DJ James Kennedy’s rap performance. Kristen admits she didn’t show up for the sick beats. It was all about the ambush. James starts to get belligerent. Uh oh. Where did “new” James go? He killed the first two reunion episodes. Let’s hope he doesn’t waste all of his goodwill tonight. And he just referred to himself as “the one and only James Kennedy.” As he screams at Kristen about how irrelevant she is, she points out he had a vodka soda at lunch. That’s a wrap, folks. Sober James Kennedy has left the building. Welcome back, douche bag.
Andy warns Scheana that Shay is about to join them. She does her Scheana victim thing. I’m annoyed already. Shay seems nervous to be back. Scheana won’t stop playing with her hair. Andy asks Scheana if she was hiding their issues all season. This week’s excuse is she didn’t want to ruin Katie’s wedding summer. Shay doesn’t want to be her patsy anymore but as soon as he tries to share his side of things, she accuses him of using again. LVP snidely asks who’s money paid for his drugs. Man, Scheana is getting her money’s worth out of testifying for Lisa. As Shay struggles to communicate, Scheana mutters insults and LVP viciously tears into him. The mean girls smell blood in the water and jump on board. Shay is seriously outgunned. Jax is the only one who reminds us that we never know what goes on behind closed doors. They’re both good people. Sometime it just doesn’t work out.
Scheana drops a bombshell: Shay sexted another girl while they were married. While Shay explains his actions, Scheana pulls out her compact and fixes her eye makeup. It’s an incredibly emotional moment and all she cares about is how she looks. Even Andy is disturbed. When he calls her out on it, she complains that she’s uncomfortable. Let’s be real. She’s uncomfortable and vain. Scheana finally admits that she didn’t acknowledge their marital issues partly because she didn’t want to give Brandi-stans the pleasure. I get that. I can’t stand Brandi and even I chuckled a bit when her marriage fell apart. Sue me.
Shay is really upset that Scheana made his drug use her storyline. He expected it to be handled privately between him and his wife. Scheana reasons that if you hurt her, she’ll fuck you over. So she put it on TV to punish him. What a great wife! He complains that now he’s labeled a druggy. She has no sympathy. She’s been labeled a homewrecking whore. Sometimes you get labeled. Deal with it. “I didn’t label you that, though. You labeled yourself that.” Score one for the silent giant.
Shay tells Scheana he’ll always love her but he’s over the relationship. He needed to come to the reunion for closure. Scheana hears from people that follow him on Snapchat that he seems happy. And she’s in a really happy place. So… I guess that’s a happy ending?
Andy does a little wrap up. James not only made it through the reunion, he’s leaving with a new boyfriend (Jax). Sandoval is still crying about opening a restaurant with LVP (even if Schwartz doesn’t believe he’s worthy). And Stassi mended her fences with LVP (even if Lisa doesn’t agree). They bring out Ken, the dogs and Peter serving cocktails to officially close out the season. Pumptinis all around! Well, except for Scheana. Remember, she doesn’t do sugary drinks.