I was in shell shock from my tax bill last night and opted to have a drunken pity party rather than recap this show. I’m glad I waited because this is actually one of the more upbeat shows I cover and I’m totally in the mood for it today!
“How can I sleep when my director and costar are engaged in some tawdry bacchanal 30 feet away?”
This is the hilarious question Joan poses to the beleaguered Mamacita in their hotel room. Joan is furious that Bette is banging the director. Even worse, Bette is a producer who makes comments on her acting. She is trying to get through this picture without alcohol. It’s only day one of her filming and I don’t think she is going to make it. Mamacita could probably use a drink herself. What the hell is the deal with the rolls of plastic on top of the beds? Was that an actual thing back in the day?
Joan decides to go to their room and “encourage them to make more responsible choices.” Sober Joan is such a buzzkill. She goes outside and sees a party going on in the room. There is lots of music and booze and everyone is having a great time. She was clearly not invited and it hurts her feelings. Poor Joan.
I just noticed that Helen Hunt is directing this episode. I love her.
Shoutout to Aqua Net. Yet another thing the damn global warming activists took away from us. After all, it’s not the lack of rail transportation in the country where every single person drives a car from the age of 16 that is polluting the air. It’s cow farts and Aqua Net.
After Bette and Bob give her some notes on her performance in a scene, Joan gets pissed and goes to her trailer. There, she unleashed this fantastic tirade on Bob.
“You have no idea how much harder I have to work to be taken seriously as an actress! I didn’t get my start in the theater like Miss Bette Davis. I broke in shaking my fringe in nightclubs. I’d come home after a gig with Scotch on my dress, and I’ll always have that stain on me and I’ll always have to prove them wrong and I can’t do it on Charlotte because she won’t let me!”
She makes a comment about Bob’s balls. We seem to talk about Bob’s balls, or lack thereof, on this show.
Later that night the partying continues in the hotel room across from Joan. The crowd spills over to the patio where Victor is trying to get Bette to be a bit kinder toward Joan. You can tell he is a big fan of Joan. Bette says she has never gotten over how Joan treated her back in the day and she deserves everything she can dish out at her.
Later in Bob and Bette’s room (oh the scandal!) Bob was all ready for drunk sex and things were going in that direction until Bette started to talk about her first audition with Jack Warner. She over heard him say she had zero sex appeal, not one would want to fuck her and he wished she looked more like Joan Crawford. She was a 22-year-old virgin and the words cut deeply. Bob stops undressing her and tucks her into her bed with he clothes on.
Day two. Joan pulls out the flask of booze from her purse after Bette dismisses her from the set as unneeded. She stumbles out of the trailer past Mamacita who is apparently sleeping sitting up. She has been passed out and the crew just left her and Mamacita in the trailer and went back to the hotel without her. Mamacita manages to get them back to the hotel and Joan bangs on Bette’s patio door to call her out for abandoning her on the set. After a vicious argument, Bette stops Joan as she is storming off and asks her what it felt like to be the most beautiful girl in the world. Joan said it was wonderful. It was the most joyous thing in the world. And it was never enough. Joan asks Bette how it felt to be the most talented girl in the world. Bette says, “Great. And it was never enough”
Back in LA, Joan fakes an illness in response to Bette and Bob cutting out some of Joan’s lines. Bette’s sixteen year old daughter wants to marry her 29-year-old beau. While Joan is convalescing from her imaginary illness, she spends her time knitting and rewriting the script to more fully showcase her scenes. Bob shows up and tells Joan if she doesn’t show up to work tomorrow, the whole movie is going to be canned. Joan begins making demands for her role to be expanded. Bob is not having it and tells her to read her fucking contract and be on set first thing in the morning.
Joan arrives back at the set in a wheelchair. When Bette says her scene is too long, Joan gets a convenient case of the vapors. Bob gives Joan her way.
Bette consented to BD getting married. In the middle of Bette’s elaborate wedding planning, BD announces that the went to the courthouse the day she signed the consent.
The backers of the movie are over Joan’s fake illness. They eventually send her legal documents where they are taking her to court over the costs of her unnecessary delay. Joan checks into the hospital. I’ve never seen a hospital room with floral wallpaper. Joan is sure that this plan she has hatched will shut down the movie entirely. Robert calls Olivia de Havilland and eventually convinces her to take over Joan’s role.
Joan hears the news on the radio from her hospital bed. She begins throwing things. Including a vase of flowers to Mamacita’s head. Mamacita gathers her belongings and leaves. Joan follows her screaming after her in the hallway, begging her to stay. Mamacita’s last words were, “You’ve done this to yourself.”
And Bette seems to have won the feud once and for all. Whose side of the feud were you on?
Next week: We wrap things up for this season in the finale.