By Guest Contributor Becky J.
Editor’s Note: Apologies to Becky for the delay in getting this up. I was paying the tax men and having multiple panic attacks and such. Also, please click the link in her tagline and follow her on Twitter. She’s funny AF! And you get to see how pretty she is.
On a Sunday night full of so many good shows—hello, RHOA Reunion, Girls finale, Shades of Blue—my RHOP viewing started out feeling perfunctory at best this week. These ladies have yet to really deliver for me, it’s all fake feuds, low blows and high tea. But, like I said in my first recap, I’m addicted. So that means I’ll keep riding this late model Nissan (like Robyn’s) of a show, hoping it will transform into a rose gold Bentley, until the wheels fall off.
If anybody is going to turn this thing around for me, it’s gonna be Monique. She’s got it all: An interesting back-story (rapper, girl group, what else?), a semi-famous husband, a giant closet and a rotten mother-in-law. I like her. I’m even willing to overlook a few obnoxious behaviors like bringing her assistant everywhere and needing to have a bunch of houses. Those are really just prerequisites of a good housewife if you think about it.
On the other hand, Charrisse is just becoming more annoying with each episode. Everything from the way she leaves her mouth hanging open after finishing a sentence, to wearing a black cocktail dress to pack boxes are grating. She announces to her teenage daughter that she is redecorating the study in her house, turning it into…wait for it: a champagne room. Am I the only who knows a “champagne room” is typically the private room in a strip club where the girls take patrons for blowjobs? She is either really naive or really inappropriate. Either way, she’s bugging the f- out of me already.
Gizelle and Robyn meet for a manicure and discuss the high tea. Gizelle perpetuates the shade by repeating the tidbit about Charrisse’s fireman boyfriend, proving that she’s not scuured of a little cease and desist letter. They clear up the messy business Karen tried to start. Robyn stands her ground and explains herself with a kind of calm clarity rarely found on Bravo. Gizelle is at least smart enough to recognize that she can’t really be mad because everything Robyn said was true and reasonable. Plus, I think they both realize being mad at each other would only play into Karen’s evil hands and grant her relevance.
And Karen is still winning the race to be most irrelevant and unrelatable. She welcomes her daughter Rayven home from college for a visit and they immediately adjourn to the backyard to eat strawberries and talk about Rayven’s sorority charity work (of course). Rayven complains that she had to eat cheesesteak at a sorority event and they act like she had to eat maggots. They discuss the fact Karen and the black Bill Gates are selling the mansion. Snoozefest.
This week’s hat-worthy occasion is Preakness horse race. Ashley is positively slaying in a red jumpsuit and black and white fascinator. Everyone else is beige and floral. The ladies discuss Ashley’s lack of sex life because (surprise, surprise) running a restaurant is hard and takes a lot of time. Gizelle takes the opportunity to say the word “penis” three times in her confessional. Monique can’t make Preakness because she’s in Alabama for her husband’s induction into the Alabama Sports Hall of Fame. Gizelle asks what everybody thought of Monique and then proceeds to rip her apart and misrepresent everything she said at the high tea. As if it wasn’t all on camera and we all can’t see right through her tired jealous ass.
Charrisse arrives last at the horse race and it looks like everyone is going to get along. Enter Don, a racehorse aficionado who patiently walks the ladies through the betting process. Gizelle hears that Don has two houses in two states and immediately turns on the charm. “That is attractive, especially to a girl like me.” Can somebody please buy this thirsty bitch a house already? When it’s time to actually place bets, their collective struggle to understand basic math disgusts and baffles me. Didn’t at least some of them go to college? Anyway, their horse wins, it’s fun and Charrisse somewhat reluctantly releases Gizelle from friend “probation” status.
Monique and Christopher are at the post induction ceremony dinner with Chris’ extended family. In spite of the strained relationship between herself and her mother-in-law, Monique doesn’t miss an opportunity to share a semi-spicy rap with the table. I stand by my original assessment that she’s got mad rhyme skills and admire the fact that she seems to be shamelessly leveraging her RHOP air time for some sort of record deal. Chris’ mom is truly a nightmare of Mama Joyce proportions. She talks shit under her breath (in subtitles) the entire meal and tries to shame Monique on everything from delivering smaller babies “You ain’t got none as big as mine.” (cringe) to being too rich and mouthy. Because I just suffered through a holiday dinner with my own mother-in-law, this one is hitting close to home. Team Monique all the way!
But can sassy Monique carry the whole franchise on her designer-clad shoulders? For a show with so many lovely chocolate ladies, it’s still pretty vanilla to me.