Anyone in the mood for some arguing? Good, because it’s time for part two of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. Last week’s part one quickly paid homage to Kristen dipping into Brittany’s lady pond, Katie’s wedding planning and James Kennedy’s cheating but, at heart, it was all about Lala. We revisited all of the horrible things Lala said about the mean girls and all of the horrible things they said about her. Katie, Stassi and Kristen vehemently denied they shared a brain then proceeded to shout in unison that Lala is a lying whore. When the episode wrapped up with an unexpected, seemingly heartfelt apology from Katie, no one knew how to react. Will the newly brokered truce carry good feelings through to this week? Yeah, I didn’t think so either.
We start discussing James’ final days at Sur. Andy asks Lala if anyone was responsible for his firing. Before she can respond, James shouts out, “Yeah, his name’s Jack Daniels.” Wow. All season James blamed Jax so it’s great to see him finally taking some responsibility. But the enablers are quick to jump in. After viewing the footage, Lisa is upset with Jax. When he points out you can’t get someone else fired, she starts yelling about him winding James up. Sigh. Jax is a meddling, shitstirring asshole but no one is to blame for James’ actions but James. And he doesn’t need anyone making excuses for him. He is seriously crushing this reunion. It’s the first time audiences are enjoying him. So let’s encourage James on whatever path he’s on now. It’s clearly working.
Moving on, we get to review the dueling birthdays. The Montauk discussion is just an excuse for the mean girls to pile on Scheana for being a whiney wet blanket. I’m torn on this one. The mean girls are bitches but I’d lose my mind if I had to listen to Scheana complain all weekend. And I don’t even want to think about how foul that Nascar RV smelled. Even though Lala didn’t make it to Sonoma, they still spend the whole segment talking about her. Ugh.
Which brings us back to Lala. Of course. Andy mentions all of the sources of income Lala claimed during her brief stint on the show and asks for the truth. She’s typically vague and I’m annoyed that I’m even writing about this again. He asks if she’s dating a married man and she’s vague again. I’ve never seen anyone plead the fifth on a reunion to this extent other than Kim Richards. Let that sink in for a minute. Lala absolutely refuses to talk about her boyfriend. Stassi tries to explain that you can’t lie about your life if you’re going to be on a reality show. Lala doesn’t care. Stassi lost Patrick. Lala isn’t going to follow her lead. Sandoval tries to clarify why everyone’s mad about the lies. It would be a lot easier for everyone if they didn’t share their personal lives. Katie and Schwartz got a lot of shit for showing their asses all season. But that’s what they signed up for. Lala is fed up. “Well that’s why I walked off so you don’t need to worry about it.” Stassi bitchily reminds her that she’s still participating in the show. “I’m still looking at you.”
Andy asks Kristen about using James to take Lala down. She’s quite proud of it. Hi, crazy Kristen. We miss you! James is furious that they lied to him but he should be angry at himself for taking the bait. I mean, he crumbled faster than wet sand. Which leads us to the NDA. First, Andy has to explain to Brittany what an NDA is. Lala doesn’t understand all the fuss. In her world, non-disclosure agreements are necessary. She learned this the hard way when someone posted video of her naked in a bathtub, high as a kite. Sandoval points out that she wouldn’t need an NDA if she hung out with trustworthy people but he obviously doesn’t get Lala Land. Andy thinks the NDA is really to protect her boyfriend and Lala freaks. She’s a celebrity. She needs an NDA. And she’ll knife anyone who mentions her boyfriend again. Alrighty then.
Andy wants to know if this is the last we’ll see of Lala now that she’s done with Sur. She pretends to get a little teary. She apologizes for the harsh things she said to everyone. Awkwardly, Kristen is the one to accept her apology. Did she even say anything about Kristen this year? After spending the entire season hating on Lala for what she said about Katie, I guess it’s fitting that Kristen take the apology on her behalf. Kind of. Schwartz lets her know that she came into the situation a little too “hot” and that he wishes he’d met this Lala. She makes excuses for herself (it’s always someone else’s fault) and makes her exit. Bye, girl, bye.
With Lala gone, we can now talk about the rest of the cast. First up is Ariana and Sandoval’s epic fight over the cocktail book. After Ariana makes a strong case for why doing the book alone meant so much to her, Sandoval admits that they’re doing it together. Sigh. Andy brings up my least favorite VPR topic: Ariana’s reluctance to marry Tom Sandoval. Listen, Ariana is my girl. I love that she doesn’t buy into the mean girls’ bs and I enjoy her feminist leanings. But I don’t believe her when she says she doesn’t want to get married. I think she says it because it’s part of her cool girl persona. And now it’s becoming her main storyline. Ugh.
Andy asks Jax about Kristen using a photo of his dick in her standup. Jax was mostly concerned about Brittany’s feelings. Kristen denies that. He only cared that he got in trouble. LVP, never one to pass up an opportunity to slam Kristen, says it was tacky and hurtful. Which segues nicely into talking about Jax’s roast. Andy can’t understand why Brittany brought her mom. I mean, sure, she was going to see it on tv but it had to be worse in person. Andy confronts my biggest issue with Brittany’s mom: Jax lies, cheats and steal but she’s only bothered by his kissing a man? Jax tries to deflect by minimizing his gay past but Andy doesn’t let him off the hook. Jax admits that, in her shoes, the cheating and drugs would have been a bigger deal. Brittany starts to get defensive and LVP jumps in to say that any mother would be curious if their future son-in-law was bisexual. “Now I’m bisexual?” Jax asks. Yeah, now. Brittany gets emotional talking about the social media backlash her mother got for being a total homophobe. She’s a great person, y’all. She doesn’t hate gay people. As long as they stay in their place and out of her family.
Andy whitewashes over the whole issue because he has a new spinoff to promote: Jax & Brittany Take Kentucky. Now’s not the time to alienate your conservative audience, Andrew! We get footage of Jax being an idiot on the farm and getting pressured to marry Brittany. They go to her church where people are speaking in tongues and he fights with her best friend, her family and, most vehemently, with Brittany herself. The final cliffhanger makes it look like they break up which means they don’t break up. At least not during filming. The only saving grace is Brittany’s mom’s makeup is a little bit better than it was on VPR. Marginally.
Nikolai, Stassi’s twelve year old brother, joins the reunion as the sassy mascot. We get a flashback to the first time we met him, giving advice to Jax on how to win Stassi back. It didn’t work but don’t blame Nikolai. Jax isn’t very good at following directions. Nikolai scolds Stassi for expecting Patrick to treat her like a princess. It’s her thing but you can’t sustain an one-sided relationship. In typical Andy style, he asks Nikolai to give each cast member a piece of advice. Schwartz: don’t call girls bitches. Katie: control your drinking and you’ll have more friends. Jax: you’re a drunk who only thinks about having sex. Ariana: think about other people or you won’t have any friends. Scheana: picking sides is stupid. Scheana argues that she wants to be friends with everyone but the mean girls make her pick sides. Nikolai scolds them and Scheana is smugly justified. He has no advice for Brittany. She’s perfect.
Andy wants to talk about the bridal shower planning and Scheana starts complaining about being left out. She didn’t get to help plan, she had to spend too much money, blah blah blah. Andy brings up Katie Cougar, the blow up doll LVP gave Katie. Everyone giggles picturing LVP at a sex shop. Katie gushes about how generous Pandora was for throwing a spa day that was almost ruined by Scheana. Scheana justifies her actions by saying Katie is a mean drunk. And they’re both right! Scheana tries to explain the difference between having a drinking problem and being an alcoholic. Katie refuses to admit she has any issues with alcohol. Full stop.
Andy mentions Ariana telling Stassi she she doesn’t give a fuck about her. Everyone laughs because it’s a great line and something everyone in that room has wanted to say to her at least once in their lifetime. Stassi tries to play victim. Ariana isn’t having it. She accuses the mean girls of manipulating fights with her. “You ask me questions, knowing you’re not going to like the answer, I give you an honest answer and then I’m the asshole.” Katie says Ariana is basing her opinion of Stassi on how she used to be and she isn’t that person anymore. Ariana brings up their drunken conversation at the wedding. She thought they were finally being real with each other but in her talking head, Stassi just gloated about cracking her. I knew letting her guard down around Stassi would come back to haunt Ariana. But it was just a joke! British humor (oops, wrong show). There’s a lot of screaming back and forth but they finally accept that Ariana and Stassi aren’t friends. And that’s okay. Until they decide it’s not.
Next week: Part Three of the reunion wraps up with hints of a Kristen engagement, jokes about a Schwartz and Sandoval double date with new bff’s James and Jax, how the mean girls encouraged Tyrant Katie, and the return of Michael Shay.