By Guest Contributor Becky J.
I told myself I was never watching the Real Housewives of Potomac again after last season, but I lied.
My name is Becky and I’m a Bravoholic. This means I keep watching despite the fact a show isn’t really giving me that good TV buzz anymore. Even after I have decided that every character is a morally reprehensible fame whore, an idiot, or a pretentious poser (plenty of these on RHOP), I still can’t stop. So, in the spirit of “just one more” I tuned in for the season two premiere of Potomac.
The episode opens with a little ADD montage of each woman in her natural (using the term loosely) habitat. It was probably meant to catch us all up and remind us who these damn people are, but it really just annoyed me from the very beginning. Gizelle has a new house because that’s a basic bitch Season Two move. Everybody comes back a little thinner and with a nicer house and car after being on TV for a minute. Ashley is now “managing” the Australian restaurant her semi-creepy old man husband bought her and I’m thinking that must be like having an eighth-grader as a boss.
Charrisse, who has at least one too many consonants in her name, is shown frolicking with her teenage kids, looking skinnier and more cheerful than last season. Maybe her good mood has something to do with the mysterious tall man who is playing with them. We all know from last season’s reunion that she doesn’t speak to her husband, so it’s only natural to wonder if this is the mystery fireman boyfriend Gizelle called her out for on an episode of WWHL. More on that later… Karen is shopping for wine and acting like a snob because that’s her jam and Robyn is doing some stupid knock-off of the ice bucket challenge because nothing says, “I’m down to earth” like having your nanny dump a bucket of goo on your head while being filmed by at least two cameras. So, the show has barely started and already I remember why I wanted to quit. At least the desperate-to-be-married psycho princess Katie from last season isn’t back. Looks like we dodged a bullet just like her ex-fiancee.
The action kicks off with Gizelle getting her hair did and dishing dirt with her stylist. Because talking to people on the payroll about your personal life on camera is what you do when your kids are too young to be used as props. Which brings us back to Charrisse, who is in her kitchen with her daughter, both riding hoverboards. Because that’s normal. Charrisse starts talking about how her eyebrows are “on fleek” (I guess it’s still 2014) and asking her daughter for “dab” lessons (wait, it must be 2015). She explains this behavior by saying that her alter ego “Cha-Cha” has taken over since moving forward with her divorce. My heart sinks because I just know she’s about to start rapping awkwardly like she did last season at her 50th birthday party. So. Painful.
So, then the two main plot points for the episode are officially introduced: Charrisse and Gizelle are feuding and Ashley is competing in a charity dance competition. OF COURSE can’t have an episode of Potomac without a charity function! Side note: The fact we’re still watching should also be recognized as an act of charity. At least nobody talked about etiquette.
Turns out, Gizelle is harboring a huge grudge over Charrisse calling her a whore at the reunion. She retaliated by yanking Charrisse’s covers in the aforementioned WWHL revelation about the fireman boyfriend. Charrisse responded by having her lawyer send a cease-and-desist letter, banning Giz from any further mention of the hot fireman. It should be noted that a good cease-and-desist storyline on any Housewives show is one of my all-time favorites. It can, however, be topped by somebody taking the time to print out text messages.
In a fun twist, Gizelle is serving as a judge at Ashley’s dance competition. This means all the ladies will have an excuse to dress up and be assholes together in the name of charity. Ashley prepares for the dance while complaining to her hot partner about how hard it is to be an adult with, like, responsibilities. It’s is almost as gross as her husband asking horrified customers at their restaurant if they would like to try the camel or kangaroo meat. Shudder.
Meanwhile, Robyn and her ex-husband/live-in boyfriend Juan have downsized to a normal-people house in the wake of their foreclosure. In contrast, Karen is hunting for a slightly smaller mansion since her kids have all grown. Her list of demands is enough to make any self-respecting realtor drive off a cliff. Best of luck to her and the black Bill Gates.
The night of the dance competition arrives and Ashley kills it and looks hot wearing a silver thongy dress with her buns barely covered. There’s a three-way tie for who has the creepiest reaction: Gizelle, who discusses the sexual orientation of her dance partner before aggressively chomping a potato chip; Karen, who manages to use the word “hump” twice during a three-second confessional clip; or Michael who is lurking in the wings while Ashley’s on stage like some sort of sleazy dance-dad.
After the competition is over and Ashley wins, thanks to Gizelle awarding her with a perfect 10, the women all cram into her tiny dressing room to congratulate/subtly slut shame her. When Charisse and Gizelle finally come face-to-face, “Cha-Cha” wants to settle the score immediately. Gizelle tries to pretend she has to run off to a hot date and can’t talk. But she’s not getting away that easily. They take it outside for a discussion that goes absolutely nowhere. It’s actually really funny that they’re fighting because they are both obviously right. Gizelle acts like a whore and Charrisse seems to have a hot boyfriend while she’s still married. That’s why they’re interesting enough to be on TV! Duh. I’m bored with this storyline. Luann and Bethenny wore it better.
But like a good addict, I’ll be back for more next week.