Vanderpump Rules Reunion, Part One: Don’t Expect Me To Take Responsibility For My Actions

By The Lady Cocotte

Schwartz and Katie’s Wedding By Bravo is over. Scheana’s Marriage By Bravo is no more. Hell, even Lala’s Sur employment is dunzo. All that’s left is the three part reunion. Are you ready for the laughter, the tears, the DJ James Kennedy? Wait, don’t answer that question. Just sit down and take it like a man. Or a woman. Or a pony in a tiara. I’m not judging.

They ease us into the reunion by showing the “kids” getting dressed. What will our Monday nights be like without Tom Schwartz’s dad bod? I can’t imagine. The Toms flank Andy and LVP. Brittany sits with the mean girls. Jax is across the room. Are they trying to tell us something? Schwartz makes a stupid dad joke. Stassi defends joining Tom and Katie on their honeymoon. Sandoval gives Scheana glorious side-eye when she brings up her new man. And Andy forgets to say hi to Kristen. This is delicious already.

Andy has been dying to talk about the great muff diving mystery since the season began. Jax tells his version of events. Kristen and Brittany continue to deny it. James Kennedy, never willing to miss a slam at Kristen, takes up for his enemy Jax. He thinks it happened because Kristen “likes getting with people while her boyfriend’s in the other room.” Cut to an uncomfortable Sandoval. James is an insufferable twit but ding, ding, ding. Andy asks Jax why he would share this info, especially if it was true, considering how conservative Brittany’s homophobic family is. Jax uses the “I just gotta be me” excuse. Brittany calls it a stupid, drunken kiss and she doesn’t even know how it went down. Bad choice of words there, Brit. Freud would have a lot to say about that.

We move on to the wedding planning. Nope. Not interested. Especially when we get another “bridesmaids (ooh rah rah).” I can’t explain it but that phrase makes my skin crawl.

The big news since filming wrapped isn’t Scheana’s new boyfriend (no matter how much she wants it to be). It’s that Jax and Brittany moved in Katie and Tom’s building. So I guess they’re still together? Or publicly together until their spin-off airs? Katie isn’t overly excited about her new neighbors. She’s adulting now and doesn’t want to live in a college dorm. Andy asks Brittany if she had any part in the decision to move. She lets slip that Jax got them kicked out of their former apartment so they didn’t have much choice. Jax is furious that she spilled the beans and desperately searches for a good cover lie. The “shut up and follow my lead” looks he gives Brittany are everything.

The star of the show (hell, the entire universe) James Kennedy finally gets some attention. He claims he’s in a much better place now. Sandoval (always the enabler) prompts that he has learned how to turn down the drink offers he gets when he works. Kristen starts shouting about self-control. James doesn’t appreciate her trying to make it look like he is the cause of his problems. It’s all of his fans pushing drinks on him! Andy brings up his career-making gig at World Dog Day and his infamous “pick up your poop” announcements. Isn’t that how Kanye West launched his career? James mentions his Pump Sessions album so we get a deleted scene from last year’s reunion with James throwing a fit because Andy wasn’t talking about the album enough. Hubris, thy name is James Kennedy.

We revisit Katie’s Porsche dealership meltdown. Andy asks Schwartz how it feels to be continually told your dick doesn’t work. Jax interrupts to point out it wouldn’t make one amourous, that’s for sure. Schwartz just jokes it away. Because we wouldn’t want to actually deal with any issues in our relationship, would we, Tom?

Andy gets serious so we can talk about the Gay Pride episode. I still get a lump in my throat when I think about the Orlando massacre. LVP likes to make everything about herself (as any diva would) but she speaks beautifully about supporting the LGBTQIA community. The mean girls rip into Sandoval and Ariana for whooping it up at Sur while they were sitting in an apartment crying. I understand being upset over Orlando (trust me) but I don’t think mean texting people who are working so the LGBTQIA community can celebrate itself is serving the cause. Bitches. Jax asks what the Q stands for. When everyone tells him it means questioning, he responds, “So, I’m the Q?” And now he has to have another awkward conversation with Brittany’s mom.

Andy announces that Lala will be joining them and everyone freaks out. Don’t they realize that they’re making her important? Sigh. At least her makeup is better than last year. I guess she didn’t have a drag queen do it this time (true story). First up: Katie vs Lala. Katie lists all of the terrible things Lala said about her. The hyenas are suitably horrified. Lala points out that Katie was a bitch from day one and we get footage proof (in case we missed it). With her voice cracking from emotion, she calls Katie a mean girl. Hey, that’s my job!

Andy decides to go through each, individually mean thing Lala has said about the cast. This is going to take a long time. Much like Kelly Dodd from RHOC, Lala goes as low as possible when angry. I can’t stand Lala (#sorrynotsorry) but I appreciate that she stands by her opinion that the Schwartzs will get divorced. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see it coming but she gets points for saying it to their faces. Things quickly dissolve into the mean girls shouting over each other to tear her apart. Is it really worth recapping what they’re saying? It’s a lot of accusations and deflection. Sandoval jumps in to point out that the mean girls refuse to take responsibility for anything they said about Lala. They act like she said everything with zero provocation. Now, I don’t think Lala is blameless here but he’s right. It takes two (or three or five) to tango. They completely ignore him and continue their yapping. Blegh. I’m over it.

We get dragged back to the episode one OK! Magazine party. Jax gets teased for ripping off his coat and pretending he wanted to fight. Pretended being the optimal word. James apologizes to everyone for all the mean things he said. He realizes that he needs to work his way back into the group if he wants to stay on the show. And he wants to stay on the show. His momager has made that abundantly clear. Andy brings up Lala’s beachbody comment and the mean girls start yelling again. Andy wonders why Schwartz was more mad at Katie for her Sandoval and Ariana digs than James and his Katie digs. The obvious answer is of course he’s going to protect the one he loves. But Katie won’t give him a chance to speak. She’s too busy screaming about fat shaming. I don’t know if I can handle another half hour of this.

Andy lightens things up by talking about the Sur chefs, made famous by their glee at Kristen’s firing. He likens them to Statler and Waldorf from the Muppet show. In true Andy style (ie: ruining everything good) he visits them in the kitchen to ask their opinions on the current season. Guillermo thinks that Katie is the prettiest SURver. Christian likes Lala. Kristen? She’s crazy. They’ve heard about the Kristen/Brittany rumors (of course). Andy asks what they think in broken spanish and makes scissoring hand gestures to make sure they fully understand. They think it’s probably true. I mean, they’re crazy so why not? They’re very upset about Brittany and Jax. He’s a thieving manslut and she’s an angel. Guillermo mentions her big boobs. Hey, angels can have big boobs. LVP pretends to be glad they didn’t say anything about her. Yeah, right.

James claims he’s madly in love with his girlfriend so we naturally have to discuss the cheating (I almost wrote “rumors” but we all know it’s true). He refuses to admit he slept with GG. Kristen gives him a “bullshit” cough. Ariana spills that a friend of GG’s told her that GG said she’d fight or fuck anyone to get on the show. Lala immediately takes credit for telling her. Sigh. Next up is Ellie and her photograph. They all laugh at James’ “she faked the datestamp” coverup. Even LVP thinks it happened. James reminds everyone that girls say they’ve slept with celebrities all the time. Not that he’s calling himself a celebrity or anything. It’s laughable and everyone laughs. Schwartz suggests Detective Doute investigate. Find the Uber receipts, Kristen! The group accuses James of sleeping with Kristen to get on the show. Stassi compares him to GG and that’s one step too far. He reminds everyone that Stassi came crawling back from New York, begging for her job by literally reenacting it. Jax is like a pig in shit. He’s finally enjoying James.

Ariana brings up the truce LVP asked her to broker between Lala and the mean girls. Andy asks Scheana if her apology was honest. Kristen reminds her that she told them it wasn’t but in typical Scheana fashion, she tries to rewrite history. She genuinely felt bad for starting rumors about Lala. She only did it because her friends made her. The mean girls are annoyed. Yes, they’re assholes but so is Scheana. There are no winners in this situation. None. Except us because she get to revisit Stassi’s spectacularly ridiculous meltdown at Carter and Shay’s surprise party. I will never get tired of watching her cry next to a toilet. Scheana admits she’s scared of the mean girls and the boys all pile on. Kristen understands Scheana’s fear (hello!) but thinks everyone else is full of shit. While James blames it all on Stassi, Sandoval has a more nuanced interpretation. He thinks Katie was emotionally wrought from planning her wedding and instead of supporting her, Stassi and Kristen enabled the crazy. Pretty astute. Did Ariana give him talking points?

Andy wants to know what Brittany thinks about Scheana vs the KatieStassiKristen centipede. She prefaces it by admitting that Scheana is her best friend. She obviously doesn’t know about Scheana’s habit of cozying up to whoever is on tap next for a Wedding By Bravo. Scheana told her that she felt bullied. The very thought distresses Brittany. Lala jumps in to defend her new bff. I mean, they SnapChat together and stuff. She wants to know why they refuse to acknowledge Scheana’s pain, whether they think it’s justified or not. Katie kind of yeah, yeah, yeahs the Scheana issue and awkwardly apologizes to Lala for the name calling. It’s so awkward Schwartz has to actually point out that it’s an apology. Lala gets teary-eyed and worries about her lashes falling off (priorities). She’s waited a long time for any of them to accept any responsibility. It means the world to her. They end on a very kumbaya note but I have a feeling it won’t last.

Next week: Ariana doesn’t want to get married (yawn), Stassi’s brother schools the adults (yay) and the fighting continues.