When this show first came out, I refused to watch it. I love Charleston and I knew that Thomas and the yankees would just be offensive to my delicate sensibilities. I came to enjoy Kathryn on the show, but the rest are fairly vulgar. It is with that feeling I go into recapping this season knowing what I know about the events surrounding filming. I seem to be stalling, and am quite late getting started. But, with a deep breath and a sigh, here I go.
Oh dear. We start with Thomas going out to walk the dog. Or the dolphin as the case may be. I’m twelve seconds in and I already want to turn away. And the script is being read from right in the first scene. Where is Landon’s fake boyfriend she hired for this season? Is he not being used for the first two episodes or so? Are we really supposed to believe that Thomas wants to settle down with Landon, or is it more likely that these two low lives still want to hack away at Kathryn’s heart? Wait? We are now flashing back to three months earlier? That’s even more stupid.
Patti has done a lot of stupid shit on this show but the fact that she somehow thinks it is southern or charming to put on white gloves to read a printed newspaper and eat berries in bed is right up there.
Cameran, girl, I really liked you on The Real World. Please, for me, could you try your very hardest to be the old you and not be such a cunt this season. I really, really need you to be likable. Please. I’m begging you. I’ll try if you will. Anyway, she is on the way to see Craig who has been laying low since the reunion because
none of these people actually like each other he is embarrassed that he finally had to admit he never graduated from law school. Despite that, we are going to like Craig this season too.
Craig did become really domesticated in the past year. He’s gardening and remodeling his new house with Naomie. I pause briefly to add Naomie to the official tag list below, because it seems like she will be around for a while. This seem like an actual relationship even in the off-season. Go figure. Craig claims he has now met the graduation requirements for law school. He still seems like taking the bar would be like walking in to the execution chamber.
Here’s sort of an overview of how things went down during filming with regard to Kathryn getting on board. I guess Beau Burns declined to be Landon’s boyfriend this season, thus they found Drew somewhere.
Over at the Ravenel place, Thomas comes down the stairs in white pants. I always worry about spills when I where white pants, but I suppose if you on consume white things that isn’t much of a concern. Thomas takes the short walk to where his children live with their nannies. He bellies up to the kitchen bar where the nanny feeds the children, including Thomas, their dinner. While Thomas tells us that Kathryn has not seen the kids for a couple of months due to failing a drug test, Kensie is literally asking for her mother. Thomas pretends like he visits the kids regularly as the kids sort of squirm away from him looking for the nanny. It’s quite sad. The man literally said the kids can’t live in the main house because they are too messy.
Shep and Austen
On the first episode, Shep is tasked with introducing the new guy, Austen, who he met shortly before filming began. Craig is the poor man’s yankee version of Shep, but not as attractive. They have a bar scene, Shep gets shot down.
Next we see a blond girl named Jordan doing the walk of shame from Austen’s apartment. The only thing worse than the walk of shame, is waking up with TV cameras in your face while you do it. Poor thing. Right after he mentions that he broke up with his girlfriend recently because
he got cast on the show she wants to get married production gives a shot of his bare ass as if to make it even more clear that he is an asshole. Austen has a job selling beer. Clearly his parents hate him as much as I do. I need his package to end now.
The Litigious Gadfly and her Unfortunate Offspring
Patti wastes not a second of her airtime to bring up Kathryn’s drug problem. Clearly, this information has made her gleeful.Patti tries to pull off genuine concern, stating that her children need her to be sober. Then we cut directly to Patti’s butler bringing in the her “one martini a day.” Then she returns to lecturing her son about the evils of marijuana.
I am pissed that this girl didn’t make the cast photo. We really need her to replace Landon. She’s everything. But I think she is still in college. She might have taken a semester off to shoot. She’a polo player, gorgeous and a bad ass with good manners, with a lineage. That last part will really chap ole Patti’s hide. Eliza is friends with Kathryn, kind of. During this time no one was really close with Kathryn. She was still on drugs and to be fair I think this was probably filmed before her rehab. Kathryn was actually in rehab when filming began. Then when she came home from rehab, she was good for a short time and then not so good for a while again. But Eliza was filming when Kathryn was in rehab. Click the length for the real time situation.
Eliza is having a pool party and everyone is invited. Kathryn calls Craig and Naomie while they are on the way to the party. She sounds good but Craig is rightly hesitant to hang out with her again. She hasn’t told anyone she is back in town but she trusts them to keep it quiet. Oh, Kathryn. It’s Craig.
Craig and Naomie, I presume are picking up Landon to go to the pool party, or perhaps they weren’t invited, and if that is the case I like Eliza even more, because her pool party is everything Patti wishes her parties were. Craig’s ass literally doesn’t hit the chair before he tells Landon he just talked to Kathryn. Naomie gives him the death stare. Wait, did Landon dye her hair red like Kathryn’s dear God could she be any more obvious? Landon immediately says Kathryn is a bad mother for going to rehab in Malibu because she could not see her kids there. Bitch, she could not see them anyway until rehab was completed and she passed her drug tests. Shut your squid hole. Off they go to the party. Why Naomie agrees to pick up Landon on the way is beyond me. Naomie is a decent person.
Thomas arrives with at the party with six girls who are young enough to be his daughters. Landon’s boyfriend arrives by boat. Maybe it’s me, but typically I arrive at parties with my date. I don’t meet them there. Especially if they are arriving by boat. Landon is concerned about talking to Thomas because everyone knows she sleeps with him. Oh, poor thing. One of the pass-arounds Thomas is hanging all over is Jordan, you may remember her from her previous walk of shame. Thomas introduces her to Whitney and says, her birthday is coming up and she’ll be 24. Just how he like them.
Landon is also uncomfortable around Shep to whom she pledged her undying love last year. Landon somehow thinks Shep owes her an apology. For what? She knew who is was when she messed with him. You don’t get to cry victim later if he doesn’t marry you. Shep is such an asshole when it comes to Craig. At the party he is even an asshole to Naomie trash talking her boyfriend.
Kathryn’s cousin, Shelby, arrives at the party she says Kathryn is invited to the party and is supposed to be coming I don’t believe that. Kathyrn’s first ALL CAST filming was in November and it was a birthday party for Saint. Shelby seems like a real cunt. She is wearing a bikini and high heels and chatting up…Thomas. She’s not just trying to flirt with him, she telling him she is very worried about Kathryn. Honey we were all very worried about Kathryn at this time by family doesn’t go up to the evil baby daddy and give him information to use against her even if you found her with a heroin needle hanging out of her arm and she had to be revived with narcon. No. Just noe. Thomas says that Kathryn completed the program. Shelby says “Yeah but does that mean she is really better?” Then she bats her eyes at Thomas. God why are there so many hideous people on this show?
Naomie tells Thomas that she talked to Kathryn and she sounded great. Thomas says, “Well then why won’t she go take a drug test?” It is true. Kathryn had not taken one. She went on some road trip after coming back from rehab.
So they make up think she is going to a pool party in jeans. Instead it ends with her going to the medical center where we see her say, “My name is Kathryn Dennis, I have an appointment for a drug test.”