This whole season of Vanderpump Rules has been leading up to Katie and Schwartz’s wedding so it’s fitting that they say their vows on tonight’s finale. Sure, other things happened (Stassi was a bitch, Jax’s penis showed up in inappropriate places, James “rapped” and raged and Scheana played the victim) but the love story of the world’s most dysfunctional, immature, incompatible couple walking down the aisle was the driving force of the season. It’s been a bumpy ride for the Schwartz’s. Hey, it’s been no cake walk for those of us who chose to watch their weekly grudge matches either. But our torture ends tonight (at least until Stassi and Kristen throw Katie’s divorce party). So raise a glass of champagne to the bride and groom! May we all be so lucky to find our
true love soulmate one and only guy/gal we marry because we’re too scared/lazy to break up with them some day.
I’ll give her one thing: Katie throws a beautiful wedding. It’s a Pinterest page come to life. LVP gives some lovely advice that the couple will never follow. When it’s time for Schwartz’s vows, he rips them up. He’s going rogue, people! Except he’s not, really. He has second copy to read from after all of the laughter dies down. His vows are great. There’s no way he wrote them this morning. Everyone gets teary-eyed but Sandoval is the only one who uses a dog as a tissue. Katie also reads vows. Hey, they can’t all be winners. And then LVP ordains the union. It’s official. From now on their full names are Mr. Wussy Pussy Schwartz and Mrs. Tequila Katie Maloney Schwartz.
The reception is equally stunning. While Katie and Schwartz dance for their guests, Stassi admits that she was wrong when she said she and Jax were the glue that held the group together. It’s actually Tom and Katie. “Jax and I were just the glue that everybody sniffed.” Literally and figuratively. Fueled by the open bar, Kristen and Carter catch wedding fever. LVP gets Stassi to serve her dinner. You know Lisa. She holds on to grudges. Stassi gets her revenge by loading her plate up with all the fattening foods she can find. And Shay doesn’t even sit with his wife. He’s so checked out it’s kind of amazing he’s there at all. In a totally unscripted moment, Sandoval joins LVP to fawn all over her. She tosses out the idea of partnering with him on a restaurant. He’s floored (or as floored as he can be considering it was in the script). Schwartz’s brothers give toasts and I double down on my assertion that they are being played by Zach Galifianakis. Sandoval follows with a toast that only Schwartz could love.
At Scheana’s wedding, Schwartz gave Katie a ring on a string and made her cry. This season the role of asshole boyfriend at a wedding is played by Jax. He pulls Brittany aside to tell her things aren’t working out anymore. She seems genuinely surprised. I really doubt she’s that good of an actress. He gives her the whole, “I love you as a person but…” She’s completely confused. But he’s just kidding. What a dick! I actually believed him. He tells her that marriage is in the cards for them. He doesn’t know when or how but it will happen. Brittany tears up. She puts up with a lot of humiliation dating him but it’s all worth it if she gets that ring. Sigh.
Ariana admits to Scheana that she loves weddings. Scheana gets really excited and encourages her to have one. And Tom can wear the dress if that makes it more palatable. We already know he looks great in drag. While Scheana drinks alone at the bar, Sandoval pulls Ariana aside to talk about their relationship. I’m so over this “Ariana doesn’t want to get married” storyline. Oh, I was wrong. He’s actually telling her about LVP’s offer. They both start crying. It’s kind of adorable. And then we get back on track. Sandoval wants marry Ariana. He wants to have babies with her. Blah, blah, blah. She resists because she thinks it makes her look cool. But she doesn’t want to lose him so she gives him a soft maybe. Oh, yippee. That means we get to keep this stupid storyline going. Thanks, Andy Cohen.
LVP pulls Sandoval aside to talk about her offer. She points out that a bar always needs a “face” and suggests Schwartz for that role. Now, here’s the thing. This is exactly what the Toms were angling for when they offered to “work” for LVP’s liquor business. They just didn’t know how to talk about it without breaking the fourth wall. Well, they planted the seed and Lisa is finally ready. She suggests naming the place Tom Tom. Sandoval loses his shit. Then they drop the bomb on a very, very drunk Schwartz. Naturally, he has a panic attack out. Lisa smartly excuses herself before he blows the whole thing.
Stassi wants screen time so she confronts Ariana about being mean to her. Again. Ariana is a little too drunk for the conversation but it happens anyway. Stassi badgers Ariana to like her or admit she’s a cold bitch who doesn’t like anyone. Because in Stassi’s world, those are the only two options. Drunk Ariana makes the mistake of opening up about herself. She shares her fears that her life has no purpose with the last person you should ever be vulnerable with. Oh, girl. Pull it together. Stassi comforts her. Secretly she’s overjoyed. Ariana never loses her composure so there’s no chance this scene will end up on the cutting room floor.
Then we jump forward three months to cover a huge event that happened after filming wrapped. Scheana wears an oversized sweatshirt and thigh high boots to tell Lisa that her marriage is over. It’s not a huge surprise to anyone, least of all LVP. Scheana tries to say it all happened in the last two weeks but Lisa isn’t playing. She tells Scheana that it’s been bullshit ever since the wedding. I’m hugely impressed with Lisa’s balls until she blames the whole thing on Shay’s addiction. Sigh. Listen, I know it must be a nightmare to be married to an addict but there’s no way Shay is fully to blame for this sham of a marriage falling apart.
Then Scheana drops the hammer. Shay has been using again only this time it’s Adderall. Give me a fucking break! Scheana’s new bobblehead look has Adderall written all over it. Allegedly. I’ve said all along she’s been feeding them to him to lose weight. Allegedly. Ok, I better shut up before I get myself in trouble but, damn. Scheana is a lying liar who lies. I can’t recap this bullshit. I’m done.
Shay returns to his marital home after weeks away. He ghosted in a desperate attempt to get Scheana’s attention, to teach her a lesson. He still loves her. Sigh. You can’t be married to someone you’re scared of, Shay. You can’t run away because you don’t know how to talk to your partner. This whole thing is just so depressing. Scheana asks if he’s on drugs and he denies it. “No pills? Nothing?” Shay gets angry about how she’s talking to him. No one in her life treats him with any sort of respect. She tries to bring up LVP and he shuts her down. “I have my own mother. Lisa can go and fucking talk to her own kids.” Scheana questions how he’s able to stay up all night at the studio without doing drugs. He gets snide and tells her when she finds her passion she’ll understand. She knows she’ll never trust him again and it has to end. Officially. Shay cries. Scheana acts. Eventually he agrees that she’s right. Shay packs a sad purple suitcase and leaves. RIP, Scheana and Shay.
Next week: It’s reunion time! This year we get a three-parter. Tamara did a great write up about what we can expect. Check it out here. I’m going to go drink myself to sleep. These “kids” finally did me in.