This whole season of Vanderpump Rules has been leading up to Katie and Schwartz’s wedding so it’s fitting that they say their vows on tonight’s finale. Sure, other things happened (Stassi was a bitch, Jax’s penis showed up in inappropriate places, James “rapped” and raged and Scheana played the victim) but the love story of the world’s most dysfunctional, immature, incompatible couple walking down the aisle was the driving force of the season. It’s been a bumpy ride for the Schwartz’s. Hey, it’s been no cake walk for those of us who chose to watch their weekly grudge matches either. But our torture ends tonight (at least until Stassi and Kristen throw Katie’s divorce party). So raise a glass of champagne to the bride and groom! May we all be so lucky to find our true love soulmate one and only guy/gal we marry because we’re too scared/lazy to break up with them some day.
I’ll give her one thing: Katie throws a beautiful wedding. It’s a Pinterest page come to life. LVP gives some lovely advice that the couple will never follow. When it’s time for Schwartz’s vows, he rips them up. He’s going rogue, people! Except he’s not, really. He has second copy to read from after all of the laughter dies down. His vows are great. There’s no way he wrote them this morning. Everyone gets teary-eyed but Sandoval is the only one who uses a dog as a tissue. Katie also reads vows. Hey, they can’t all be winners. And then LVP ordains the union. It’s official. From now on their full names are Mr. Wussy Pussy Schwartz and Mrs. Tequila Katie Maloney Schwartz.
The reception is equally stunning. While Katie and Schwartz dance for their guests, Stassi admits that she was wrong when she said she and Jax were the glue that held the group together. It’s actually Tom and Katie. “Jax and I were just the glue that everybody sniffed.” Literally and figuratively. Fueled by the open bar, Kristen and Carter catch wedding fever. LVP gets Stassi to serve her dinner. You know Lisa. She holds on to grudges. Stassi gets her revenge by loading her plate up with all the fattening foods she can find. And Shay doesn’t even sit with his wife. He’s so checked out it’s kind of amazing he’s there at all. In a totally unscripted moment, Sandoval joins LVP to fawn all over her. She tosses out the idea of partnering with him on a restaurant. He’s floored (or as floored as he can be considering it was in the script). Schwartz’s brothers give toasts and I double down on my assertion that they are being played by Zach Galifianakis. Sandoval follows with a toast that only Schwartz could love.
At Scheana’s wedding, Schwartz gave Katie a ring on a string and made her cry. This season the role of asshole boyfriend at a wedding is played by Jax. He pulls Brittany aside to tell her things aren’t working out anymore. She seems genuinely surprised. I really doubt she’s that good of an actress. He gives her the whole, “I love you as a person but…” She’s completely confused. But he’s just kidding. What a dick! I actually believed him. He tells her that marriage is in the cards for them. He doesn’t know when or how but it will happen. Brittany tears up. She puts up with a lot of humiliation dating him but it’s all worth it if she gets that ring. Sigh.
Ariana admits to Scheana that she loves weddings. Scheana gets really excited and encourages her to have one. And Tom can wear the dress if that makes it more palatable. We already know he looks great in drag. While Scheana drinks alone at the bar, Sandoval pulls Ariana aside to talk about their relationship. I’m so over this “Ariana doesn’t want to get married” storyline. Oh, I was wrong. He’s actually telling her about LVP’s offer. They both start crying. It’s kind of adorable. And then we get back on track. Sandoval wants marry Ariana. He wants to have babies with her. Blah, blah, blah. She resists because she thinks it makes her look cool. But she doesn’t want to lose him so she gives him a soft maybe. Oh, yippee. That means we get to keep this stupid storyline going. Thanks, Andy Cohen.
LVP pulls Sandoval aside to talk about her offer. She points out that a bar always needs a “face” and suggests Schwartz for that role. Now, here’s the thing. This is exactly what the Toms were angling for when they offered to “work” for LVP’s liquor business. They just didn’t know how to talk about it without breaking the fourth wall. Well, they planted the seed and Lisa is finally ready. She suggests naming the place Tom Tom. Sandoval loses his shit. Then they drop the bomb on a very, very drunk Schwartz. Naturally, he has a panic attack out. Lisa smartly excuses herself before he blows the whole thing.
Stassi wants screen time so she confronts Ariana about being mean to her. Again. Ariana is a little too drunk for the conversation but it happens anyway. Stassi badgers Ariana to like her or admit she’s a cold bitch who doesn’t like anyone. Because in Stassi’s world, those are the only two options. Drunk Ariana makes the mistake of opening up about herself. She shares her fears that her life has no purpose with the last person you should ever be vulnerable with. Oh, girl. Pull it together. Stassi comforts her. Secretly she’s overjoyed. Ariana never loses her composure so there’s no chance this scene will end up on the cutting room floor.
Then we jump forward three months to cover a huge event that happened after filming wrapped. Scheana wears an oversized sweatshirt and thigh high boots to tell Lisa that her marriage is over. It’s not a huge surprise to anyone, least of all LVP. Scheana tries to say it all happened in the last two weeks but Lisa isn’t playing. She tells Scheana that it’s been bullshit ever since the wedding. I’m hugely impressed with Lisa’s balls until she blames the whole thing on Shay’s addiction. Sigh. Listen, I know it must be a nightmare to be married to an addict but there’s no way Shay is fully to blame for this sham of a marriage falling apart.
Then Scheana drops the hammer. Shay has been using again only this time it’s Adderall. Give me a fucking break! Scheana’s new bobblehead look has Adderall written all over it. Allegedly. I’ve said all along she’s been feeding them to him to lose weight. Allegedly. Ok, I better shut up before I get myself in trouble but, damn. Scheana is a lying liar who lies. I can’t recap this bullshit. I’m done.
Shay returns to his marital home after weeks away. He ghosted in a desperate attempt to get Scheana’s attention, to teach her a lesson. He still loves her. Sigh. You can’t be married to someone you’re scared of, Shay. You can’t run away because you don’t know how to talk to your partner. This whole thing is just so depressing. Scheana asks if he’s on drugs and he denies it. “No pills? Nothing?” Shay gets angry about how she’s talking to him. No one in her life treats him with any sort of respect. She tries to bring up LVP and he shuts her down. “I have my own mother. Lisa can go and fucking talk to her own kids.” Scheana questions how he’s able to stay up all night at the studio without doing drugs. He gets snide and tells her when she finds her passion she’ll understand. She knows she’ll never trust him again and it has to end. Officially. Shay cries. Scheana acts. Eventually he agrees that she’s right. Shay packs a sad purple suitcase and leaves. RIP, Scheana and Shay.
Next week: It’s reunion time! This year we get a three-parter. Tamara did a great write up about what we can expect. Check it out here. I’m going to go drink myself to sleep. These “kids” finally did me in.
Thank you for the recap Lady C. I found it harder and harder to care about these middle aged kids. Katie looked nice on her wedding day. I hope she does not treat Tom like a dog any more, she was so hateful. I never cared for the taste of alcohol so I really can’t relate to most of the behavior of this cast. Although I do like a nice Bloody Mary from time to time. I wish the Bride and Groom a happy life together.
I did like this wedding and wish them the best.. Best Bloody Mary ever had was one in San DIego. No flopped celery.. was a pickled asparagus. Delish.
I understand Katie can cross the line, but Tom isn’t perfect. The tension in their relationship was obviously caused by the underlying rumors that Tom cheated. Which he did. So of course she would act a little resentful and that took time to address and heal. I am sure they are both much stronger for it. Tom may be charming, but he has flaws that contributed to their toxic relationship.
Scheana should have saved Shay a lot of grief and just had the marriage annulled the moment she found out he had been hiding a pill addiction from her. No pow wows with the group. No at home pee tests.
Paperwork for an annulment and a stack of treatment center brochures.
But she’s so obsessed with appearances she *had* to make this already doomed “marriage” succeed. I feel sorry for the both of them.
Great recap Lady C!! I don’t know how you & TT put together such great recaps so quickly!!
Enough ass kissing, on to Scheana. I completely agree; she is in the Bethenny Frankel adderall mentorship program. Allegedly. She is super skinny, bug eyed, wired, motor mouth, decreased appetite, nervous, emotional & I’m sure other symptoms that we haven’t been exposed to. Because of course, Scheana gets the good edit as Lisa’s errand bitch.
This three part reunion had better bring it; if not, I see serious VPR withdrawals over this long, hot GA summer.
One more thing…..that scene with Scheana & LVP in my opinion was added To absolve Scheana of all responsibility in the Shay situation. Blind loyalty to the Queen has its rewards ?
Wait, you are in MY Marietta? I thought you was one of them thar Yankee MariettaMommies.
LMAO!!! Nope, I’m your neighbor! I’m close enough to do recon if you need. I’m all in!
I was wondering about the whole Adderall situation — a few weeks ago Kristen asked Stassi about taking it before her blind date. Are all of the women taking it to keep slim for the show?
absolutely.
Have you ever noticed how Stassi rubs/scratches her arms a lot during her confessionals especially? That is a side affect some people experience with Adderall. I was a pharmaceutical rep for seven years & it was always a complaint from the clinicians.
I’m coming over to raid your pill cabinet.
Absolutely! That’s what friends are for. And alibis.
“Scheana is a lying liar who lies.” Love it.
That was a horrible trick Jax played on Brittany, at a wedding of all places.
I think it was scripted (and she expected) that he was supposed to let her know he would marry her someday but he played a trick on her. Her reaction seemed authentic. I thought it was kind of cute and funny.
Three part reunion? Seems too long for this season. Thanks for the recap.
Fun recap! Better than the epi? Jax should be ashamed, but I can’t feel sorry for Brittany. She knew what she was getting into.
Jax is a total ass but Brittany is fame hungry and doesn’t want to crawl back to Kentucky so she just takes it. Lots of luck, Brittany . You’re going to need it.
Kentucky is already doing the ads for the monthly boxes of crap. I was thinking about them the other day, these makeup boxes are the 11 free CDS! scams for the millennials.
This was the prettiest wedding on Bravo in my opinion. I’m down for weddings out in the woods. I loved that one of the triplets played my role at most weddings. 🙂 I might have shed a tear. LVP is a fantastic officiant. Ioved Ariana as a groomswoman. The reception was perfect. The band had everyone on the dance floor. There was a REAL wedding coordinator. I actually believed Katie and Schwartz meant every word of their vows. Bravo!
So of course Scheana had to upstage the whole thing. Adderall? Really? The females on the show have said that Adderall is their drug of choice. Not all of them, but most of them. I believe that Stassi said publicly she finally had to stop taking it. Look at Shay, then look at Scheana. Who looks like they are on Adderall? Hint: Not Shay.
I thought Shay looked gorgeous at the wedding. Healthy and cautious of Scheana. It was obvious to everyone he was trying to dodge her. He seemed a bit fearful and reclusive.
The Shay we saw in the last part of the show was bloated, and clearly looked like he was either drinking a LOT or self-medicating with something else. I think Shay married Scheana in spite of the show he didn’t want to be on. I can only imagine how much she must have threatened him to film those final humiliating scenes.
And now she is in Amsterdam publishing PDA photos with the new guy, professing her undying love, and smoking pot with him on the IG story.
The last part of this episode appears to have been filmed in DECEMBER. Just three months later she is in a serious relationship that has been going on for months before she uncovered his name.
At the reunion, Scheana opted to degraded Shay and accuse him of cheating. The end of the third part of the reunion will be with these two and it is said to be so ugly that JAX wanted to stop the segment and even talked to the producers trying to get them to stop it.
Scheana is just awful.
US Weekly said it was filmed in mid-November.
Good for them.
Shay went missing around November 7 and was gone for a week.
http://tamaratattles.com/2016/11/07/oh-look-mike-shay-has-been-found-on-a-park-bench-in-l-a/
Scheana filed in December.
Scheana was Instagramming with the new guy she was fucking in January, without showing his face. She was also rumored to be fucking that actresses ex drug addict husband.
By March she was in love and posting a billion Instagrams of her future ex husband.
I was married to a pill addict. It’s hard as hell to deal with but when you get married it’s for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I believed that and I stayed way too long to try and “save” him. When an addict is ready, they will seek help. Until then you either are their enabler, by staying and looking the other way, or you walk away to save yourself. Unfortunately I don’t think Sheana did the 2nd, she’s all about appearances so she stayed to play the “happily married couple” and “supportive wife” bit then when it didn’t serve her agenda anymore, she bailed. Sad for Shay and hope he does so much better without her!
Shay is responsible for his own behavior. It’s called personal responsibility. Blaming his addiction on anyone other than him is ridiculous. He is an adult and has chosen this path on his own. He knew who she was when he married her. I doubt he was forced to film those final scenes, he probably wanted the money that was offered for the wrap up. Awful or not, he never brought in any income the whole time they were married (maybe a little for filming), then he takes all the cash she has left on his way out. Classy!
Maybe it’s just me, but Katie has a strong resemblance of LVP than Pandora. Perhaps this is the reason for their love connection.
Yeah, Schwartz has a type.
giggles.
I couldn’t understand what Carter said to prompt Kristen’s response “But I’m not ovulating.” So I rewound & put on CC. The screen said Carter: “Blah blah, garble garble (grunt).” LMAO!!
Hmmmm…..Maybe we know her storyline for next season?!?!
Carter said “tonight’s the night”
Thank you! Neither me nor my CC could understand him. You speak Carter ??
Yes, this was indeed the most beautiful and “believable” wedding on Bravo! The white flowers, having it in the woods, the menu with grilled salmon, and the gowns were cute in a subtle way so as not to upstage the bride! I cried like a “hangry” baby when the couple exchanged vows!!! I guess that I was overdue; I had not had a good cry in ages! Thanks, Bravo!
It was a gorgeous wedding but the highlight, hands down, was Sandoval wiping his tears on the dog…
My favorite moment too!
And his runny nose!
Nothing touches the heart like a beautiful, blushing Bubba!
I thought the wedding was beautiful. My favorite part of the reception was Jax dancing. Can we get a spinoff show of Jax dance parties?
Carter: tonight’s the night
Kristen: I’m not ovulating
Gawd no, you have to be shitting me.
Setting up that storyline for next season. Since Scheana & Shay aren’t having a baby now, she can snatch (pun intended) that storyline. Krazy Kristen needs a contract! ??
I’m so down for pregnancy hormones Kristen.
Not looking forward to a season of Stassi lamenting that she’s single & childless, but preggers Krazy Kristen would make it worthwhile
If we get a crazy, hormonal Kristen bringing a spawn into this world, that WILL be the entire Vanderpump Rules show for the next season. Just like this season was the wedding. Oh shit! I hope she’s pregnant!!!
LVP might even melt a little since she wants a grandbaby so badly!