Nancy Kerrigan was first. She and Artem did the cha cha. It was okay. Artem got tied up in his microphone. Oh, that blond is Julianne Hough. Why didn’t y’all tell me that last week? The judges just ADORE Nancy so even though she was off step from nearly beginning to end, the all give her sevens. For a total of 28
Erika Jayne Wow I can’t believe she is going second they usually save the housewives till the end for ratings. She and Gleb are doing the foxtrot. He’s dress like a copy and she’s in a black sparkly gown carrying a billyclub as they are introduced. Tom makes some comment about Erika “starting on her road down all the village people.” WTF? Erika says she is standing firm in bring who she is to her dancing. She is not going to back down and bring an apologetic version of herself to the show. That’s just not going to happen. In her publicity interviews she said she felt her dance was sexy, not raunchy and that some people hold women to a higher standard.
This week’s prop is Erika’s Maserati! She starts in the driver seat and she is being pulled over by Gleb. So over the top. So Erika Jayne. She’s dancing to Niykee Heaton’s Bad Intentions. It’s definitely a bad girl’s song and her moves may be even sexier than last week. Les is probably having a coronary. At one point she rips open Gleb’s shirt. The crowd loved every minute of it. Let’s see what the idiot judges have to say.
Julianne said that she locked eyes with Erika for a moment and that made her feel powerful. She loved it. Bruno said it was sexy. He loved it. He even praised her technique and her lines and her balance. Carrie Ann agreed about the balance, something they both picked on last time. She also mentions her beautiful lines and says she is beautiful to watch. Len says it was a Beverly Hills foxtrot. It was full of glitz, glamour and style. He like Gleb’s choreography. Len was getting ready to say something stupid and starts off saying, “The dance is romantic” and the the sirens accidentally start to go off again. Perfect. I wonder if one of the glam boys did that. Len finishes with , “I think you went a little bit past romantic, but I liked it.” I think that Erika’s demeanor at the judges table is one of nerves. She was only slightly more animated this time even with really great feedback. Erika tells the interviewer of the season that she felt the dance went smoothly and she got her point across. When asked what her point was she claimed it was you have to get out of the ticket. But we all know what her real point was. They give Gleb a pink sequined onsie because he and his wife announced this week that they are pregnant! They are having a girl. She got straight 7s. I was hoping for one 8. Total Score 28
Charo and Keo were great. They did the Paso doble. Charo is bat shit crazy. She continues to make fun of Bruno’s accent. Score: 25 Julianne actually gave her a seven. Really Julianne?
Nick Viall and Peta did the foxtrot. Vanessa was at rehearsals and the seemed like they might kinda like each other. Nick did as well as could be expected. He got panned. Especially by Len. The choreography was over Nick’s head. After the very harsh judging both female judges gave him a 7? What the fuck? Len gave him a 5 and Bruno gave him a 6. Total Score 25.
Time for the ringer, Heather and her partner, Max. Max was injured in rehearsal. I just this week recognized her face from Glee. Max could not dance tonight! So she has a fill in partner. They are doing the Jive! Len tore into her for doing a hip hop routine. She does that as Beyonce’s backup dancer. She did do hip hop with two female dancers midway through instead of dancing the whole thing with the guy dancer. The female judges loved it. Everyone gives her an 8 except for Len who gives her a six. Total score: 30 Way to get me excited she was going to get a low score. Max says that he is going to fly out tomorrow to get whatever needs doing done. Sounds like a calf muscle? It’s uncertain when or if he will be dancing again.
Bonner and Charla are going to do the Viennese Waltz and I am going to give the TV my full attention. They danced to Jennifer Nettles version of Unlove You. It was good. Our hot cowboy is quite bowlegged. And the waltz isn’t really his thing but the female judges will probably give him 10s. The women in the audience are going wild. Bruno cautions him to “not go woody.” He so loves to pretend like he doesn’t know what he is saying. Len is grouchy tonight. The women give him an 8, Len says 6, Bruno split the difference at 7. Total Score 29 I think that is a bit inflated if we are talking about the Waltz.
Simone and Simone is having a problem being sexy. It’s a new concept for her. They are doing the cha cha. She comes out in gold lamé at the beginning all by herself and all that is missing is the pole. She even did the splits. I’m just saying. Len better say something about this. Bruno said she burned it up. Julianne said it wasn’t too sexy. Len said he enjoyed it very much. She gets three 7s and one 8 from Bruno. WTF? She was out of sync the whole dance? Total score: 28
Chis Kattan (SNL) and Witney are doing a jazz routine. He better be thankful for Mr. T because he will be on the bottom tonight. Chris lets us know that the reason he was so stiff is because he broke his neck 14 years ago. He’s had four surgeries since. He has a LOT of pins in his back. It’s obvious he can’t stand up straight. Whitney cries when she hears his old story. It is pretty sad. They did great. It was intentionally amusing. Last week he got three 4s and a five. This week he should do much better. This week the girls gave him sixes and the guys fave him 5s. Score 22 Witney talks to him like he’s mentally challenged. I kinda want to punch her in the throat.
Normani and Val really are flying back and forth to Asia for her concerts. It’s totally insane. So was their dance. By FAR the best dance of the night. She’s the frontrunner by far at this point. She could totally get a 10. I’m down with Normani now. They are flying out to China after the show. Her schedule is simply insane. They got the highest score of the night with straight 8s for a Total Score of 32. I feel like they were robbed. Seriously. the girls gave Bonner 8s. Come on.
Rashad and Emma. Last week this was the best dance of the night. This week they have the Viennese Waltz. Emma tells him to pull for a past loss for this dance and he talks about a broken engagement two and a half years ago. When the dance starts, he does a voice over, ” It’s no secret. It’s you I crave. Don’t make me suffer.” Is he talking to the ex? Last week he got three 8s and a 7. I liked him better last week. He’s sexy but there is something about him, maybe it’s the big booty that makes him kind of clunky with certain moves. This week he got straight 8s. Total score: 32. Tied with Normani. WHICH IS JUST WRONG.
Time for Mr T’s last dance. He was very disappointed in his scores from last week. He’s doing the pasa doble to Eye of the Tiger. The dance in a boxing ring. Mr T takes this very seriously. It was a cute routine and he did much better than last week. It is sadly his time to go I think. He got two 6s and two 5s. Score of 22.
David and Lindsey are dancing to Bust a Move by Young MC. I think it’s the cha cha. I’m not sure about his moves but this guy is certainly not lacking in confidence. I missed his dance last week. Let’s get to scoring. I feel like they need to move this along. There are only like three minutes left. Carrie Ann didn’t like it. Len said his footwork was bad. Len says he rounded second base. Julianne loved it. Three sevens and a 6 from Len. Total 27.
The bottom two were Chris and Charo. Mr T was safe! Heck I don’t want either of these to go home. Dammit. Chris is going home. So sad.