Last week’s episode ended with Richard tailing Patrick straight to the FBI office. I think we all knew Patrick was not what he seemed, and now we know he’s working with the FBI along with his fake sister and fake aunt. I know from reading the title of this episode that Richard tells someone, because he’s the dumb one and it takes a whole lot of stupid to use Eiffel as a code word for “I.” Well, that and the whole bikini thing. The question we had last week was who would he tell? The rest of the hapless trio of victims (TOV) or Maddie? Let’s find out. I seriously can hardly contain my excite to watch this episode.
We are going to have to wait a little longer for Richard, who really should be going by the nickname, Dick, don’t you agree? We start the episode with Jules who is all alone because Ezra has had to fly home because his dad had a heart attack, and Richard is off chasing down Patrick. Initially he was going to warn Patrick about Saffron/Maddie until he discovered he’s an FBI agent. So Jules is all lost in her feelings and reminiscing about Cici/Maddie and the day they told her parents they got married.
But before the parents arrive, we are jolted back in to present day Jules who is stomping down the street apparently with her luggage, when Dick, a I mean Richard screeches up in his really nice SUV (who paid for that?) to stop her. She’s not interested in whatever Richard has to say. He screams at her back that Patrick is in the FBI. She laughs it off. Richard tells her that he followed him right into the Goddamn Borough of Investigation. This stops her dead in her tracks and she walks back to him and says, “Did you say Borough?” This cracks me up and reminds me of when I am trying to tell y’all some earth shattering information and some fool pops up to point out a spelling error. Two thirds of the TOV embark on a hilarious car ride full of paranoia about their hotel and their car being bugged by the FBI.
Finally we get to see behind the scenes of the FBI investigation. I loved the bitchy aunt at the parties who kept telling Maddie she’s a great judge of character, so I am thrilled she is the boss lady of this FBI sting. She tells Patrick that he is way over budge again and he needs to be in striking distance of THE DOCTOR soon or he can easily be replaced because, “He’s not the only cock on the block.” Patrick says that Jules seems like just a civilian but he thinks that Erza is in on it and he’s looking for the angle. As he leaves the meeting she tells him again to be easy on the credit card. Cut to a scene of him serving Saffron champagne on a private jet.
Ezra Goes Home
Erza is holding on to a little Eiffel Tower statue that I assume was a gift from Maddie when she was his French speaking Belgian wife. Meanwhile he’s in a middle seat where two people are debating whether one should live in Indianapolis with their family ties or flee as soon as possible. I’m for fleeing. I’m currently planning my own escape, to somewhere.
When Erza arrives home, he finds his father, furiously doing a spin workout while singing ( possibly Seether by Veruca Salt, or not. I dunno) the point is that Erza was called home on the pretense that his dad was dying, and clearly he’s healthy as an off key horse. The ensuing conversation with his dad and brother was uncomfortable. But not as uncomfortable I was with his Dad’s random patches of body hair in places I didn’t think possible. Erza is a mama’s boy so their conversation goes much better.
The fake heart attack was conjured up to get Erza back for some big announcement from his father. The blonde girl who Erza had sex with and asked her to speak French who worked with him at his father’s company has been summoned to the announcement dinner. She bought Erza’s dog and named him Ezra. That’s not weird. Neither is her screaming, “Ezra, come! ” She also has his old job now.
At dinner, Erza’s dad announces that mom and dad are going on a six month vacation. Basically, he wants to retire and have the two boys and the whacky blond to start taking over the business.
Patrick and Saffron
After a very expensive private flight, these two land in the woods somewhere. Patrick stupidly reveals his observation skills as they both play that game where you make up a story about random strangers. Ultimately, these two have the same mission. Marry the mark. In case we missed that, we get a whole scene back at their cabin where both of the their bosses call to tell them to get the deal sealed immediately.
Later, in a random moment of playfulness, Patrick whips out a saffron diamond and puts it on her finger. She makes a big deal about it being very rare. Actually, as colored diamonds go, yellow is the most common color. Saffron begs Patrick to run away with her, take the jet and leave. She wants to just disappear and not live by anyone’s rules. Patrick says he can’t do that. He’d miss his family. He’s traditional and she’s not.
Jules and Dick
Jules, who is a rebellious artsy child of the Connecticut country club set apparently, manages to get these two into a snooty club where they are looking for “Laura.” Am I supposed to know who Laura is at this point? Ah, Jules has decided they need a lawyer so they are scoping out the club for someone good.
Jules rounds up a bunch of the top lawyers and explains her “cousins” situation. Because the whole asking advice for a friend thing is never transparent and lawyers would never catch on. We miss the legal advice and next catch up to Jules when she joins Richard again. Richard, being a moron, introduces Jules by her real full name. As it turns out one of the guys he was chatting with has a sister that used to be Jules room mate in college. He immediately accuses Jules of being a thief and stealing from his sister. Richard nearly throttles the guy before they escape. Jules refuses to talk to Richard about the allegations.
Later these two are walking around an amusement park of some sort and Jules lets Richard know that Maddie is looking at around 30-40 years and they could do five. Richard is terrified. Jules says if they work with the FBI they could try for a plea deal with probation and no time. Richard asks if she could actually lock up the woman she loves. She says at least she would know where she is. She could visit her and bring her magazines.
Jules thanks Richard for defending her. Richard asks if that stuff is what was in her envelope that Maddie left in the freezer. Richard alludes to some shady financial decisions he made when he needed money for his sick mother. Jules stonewalls him on her envelope. They decide they have to call Ezra. They worry about wire taps and come up with the idea to text him in code. Here comes the titular moment.
Human Ezra, and whacky blond go off to walk dog Ezra and he gets these texts.
“P is no (angel emoji).” Came in the house and then on the walk,
“Frog emoji, Bikini emoji, Eiffel Tower emoji”
“Fries emoji, bike emoji, ice skate emoji”
“Football emoji, Banana emoji, Eiffel Tower emoji”
Later, Ezra wakes up from a nightmare about taking over his dad’s company when he gets a call from Richard freaking out because he hasn’t been texted back. They call on a pay phone and let him know that Patrick is in the FBI. Shouldn’t they be worried about Ezra’s phone being tapped? Oh wait, it’s the TOV. Ezra catches the first flight out the next morning.
Patrick and Saffron fly home as well. Sitting on separate rows of the plane. Not speaking.
There are only THREE EPISODES LEFT! NOOOO! We have to get more people watching this! In the previews the TOV tell Maddie that Patrick is an FBI agent. TOV teams up with Maddie and Max who go on the run from the Feds and the doctor. Maddie and Max are going to train the TOV. The plan is to “take Patrick” pay off the doctor and elude the FBI. Do they seriously think they are smart enough for that? Wouldn’t killing the TOV and Maddie and Max fleeing separately be the smartest move here? Richard spills the news about Sally to Maddie. The doctor arrives to get his money. The FBI has them right where they want them.
The last bit was cut off but caught on my WWHL recording which I stupidly deleted out of habit. However, Patrick seems convinced that Ezra is in on the scam. That doesn’t make any sense to me. However, in the previews there were huge letters that said,”WHO IS THE MASTERMIND?” And who is the…
And that’s where my recording stopped. What did it say? Victim?