On last night’s WWHL, we got to see the newlyweds for the first time after the wedding. Let’s see if the wedded bliss Schwartz talks about is true, or of the have the body language of Nick Viall and his newly betrothed.
It’s been 250 days since the wedding. Also the 21st has always been considered the first FULL DAY of spring. I hate when people act like it’s the 20th just because it starts on that day technically. #petpeeve. It’s a GLORIOUS day in the ghetto and my mood has been profoundly improved over the last couple of days. Windows open in the shack, sunroof open in the hooptie, y’all!
In the first poll, 58% of voters still think this marriage is doomed.
There was a disgusting Stassi scene that Andy just had to replay on his show where Stassi is giving intimate details about her sex life with someone. I headed over to Lady C’s fabulous recap of the show to try to figure out who she was talking about. Lady C, kindly ignored the whole scene, reinforcing my gut reaction of “the less we think of that scene the better.”
Next we are reminded that Scheana lied her face off to LVP about her blissful marriage. She leaves out the part where Shay is a suicide washerwoman whose life revolves around doing Scheana’s laundry and whatever self-medications he can find. And Matt Jordan thinks he has something to bitch about?
On the finale, Scheana tells LVP that Shay disappears for days at a time and that he cleaned out their entire back account leaving her with only $32. She’s already got a divorce attorney. Andy says that things got really heavy at the reunion when Shay came.
The newlyweds actually took Stassi on their honeymoon, so Andy wants to test their limits on what they will include Stassi in.
They say yes to a threesome (probably happened on the honeymoon), a GYN check up, couples massage, tantric sex couples workshop, and delivery room. Katie said probably not to, couples therapy (but Tom was okay with it).
How old do I have to be to sound like an old lady on the phone? I don’t think I’m there yet, but this lady that just called got me to thinking that if I want a career as a phone sex operator in the future, my window of opportunity may be closing.
Andy always asks questions where the answer requires breaking the fourth wall. Everyone wants to know why they spent $10K on flowers instead of flying out Tom’s family. The truthful answer is that Bravo paid for both. Let’s see what Katie says. Katie is trying to think of a way to respond and Tom bails her out saying he had no idea how much she spent on flowers. She paid for that. Katie, just nods and says, “Yeah, I paid for those.” I wish Andy would not ask questions that require the guests to lie. And I seriously doubt the flowers even cost Bravo $10K. Then Andy gives another promo to 20 Mile house saying they should give them half their money back because everyone is going to want to get married there when they see the wedding next week, Seriously, I know the normals are naive but the people who watch WWHL are not down with this bullshart.
Poll: Who should get married next? Ariana & Tom? 80% Jax & Kentucky? 20% James &Raquel? 0%
I think it will be Kristen and Carter.
Andy asks when they are going to have a baby. I should point out that on social media “Katie looks pregnant” is a regular talking point. Just because Katie is not anorexic like the other girls doesn’t mean she is pregnant. But I must admit in some photos I’ve kind of wondered myself. She is wearing a form fitting dress tonight and looks stunning with no signs of a bump. Katie is ready to be pregnant though and so is Tom.
They did not have sex on their wedding night. Katies passed out in their bed and Schwartz passed out on the stoop of the main house. #Klazzy
Stassi and Kristen call in together. Kristen wants to know why she wasn’t in the wedding poll, but James was. I found that odd myself. Stassi asks what the kinkiest thing they have done since they got married. Andy sort of interrupts before they can answer.
Andy was apparently in a hurry to get the male stripper out he bought
Their biggest fights are about where to eat. Tom admits he doesn’t have a real job because the show takes up so much time.