Every episode of Vanderpump Rules brings us one step closer to the wedding that shouldn’t be. The whole gang has gathered at the wedding venue. Yay! Lisa Vanderpump has arrived (by private jet) to ordain the wedding. Whee! Jax and Sandoval are balls deep into a plan to surprise Schwartz by flying his triplet brothers to the festivities. Hip, hip, hooray! All that remains is the traditional pre-wedding tubing adventure, the rehearsal dinner and the main event. Oh, well. As commenter KyGee pointed out, once the wedding is done we won’t have to hear “Bridesmaids, ooh rah rah” ever again. Whoo hoo! And I actually mean that one.
The soon-to-be weds are going over last minute details with their wedding planner. She’s seems to know what she’s doing. They probably didn’t find her on Craig’s List. Schwartz’s mom arrives. Hey! Someone from his family actually agreed to participate in this nightmare. She’s a good sport about it. She takes a shot of Fireball and hugs her boy. Sometimes you just have to let your kids make their own mistakes. It’s the only way they learn.
Jax is freaking out because Schwartz’s adult brothers missed their flight. Jax fully expected this to happen but, even so, he “couldn’t think of anything more worse.” And then we get several minutes of Jax questioning whether “more worse” is good grammar. He eventually gives up and we get to join the drama already in progress. Not only is the surprise in jeopardy, but now Jax has to shell out more money to get the triplets there. This is serious, folks.
Everyone else is day drinking. Brittany thinks her job as bridesmaid is to get everyone to party. Not too difficult with this crowd. Shay is miserable. Scheana deals with it like she does any other problem in her life. She glosses over it. I’m happy he made it out of that marriage in one piece but it’s pretty awkward to watch.
The gang goes tubing. It looks like a lot of fun. Big floaties, lots of beer. They even have a floatie just for the beer. That’s how you do tubing right. Of course, being a Northern California girl I can assure you that river is ice cold. And there are too many bugs for the complaining twins (Stassi and Scheana). Suddenly, over the horizon, comes Tom Sandoval. Schwartzie’s boyfriend made it! And he brought 50 twelve-packs of Coors Light with him. Schwartz tells us, “I love, love, love Tom Sandoval.” We know.
Sandoval, Jax and Ariana have a triplet huddle. The brothers missed their first flight, which led to them missing their connecting flight, but they’ll arrive by dinner. Jax continues to complain about the extra cost. Sandoval is just happy to see drunken Schwartz, in all his glory, floating down the river on a big pink flamingo. #priorities.
At the rehearsal, LVP shares that she’s gotten no guidance on the ceremony from Tom and Katie. This has to be storyline, right? Who plans the ceremony the night before? Katie doesn’t want it too drawn out but she also doesn’t want it too fast. Alrighty then. I think you’re on your own with this one, Lisa. Ken asks Schwartz about his vows and he hasn’t written them yet. You know what? This has to be scripted and I’m out.
Finally they move on to the Taco Tuesday rehearsal dinner. Jax won’t stop flirting with Schwartz’s mom. Stassi finds a way to make the moment about herself. Schwartz gives his mom a diamond ring. Some might find it odd but I think it’s adorable. Stassi’s mom is at Tom and Katie’s intimate wedding and I’m annoyed again.
And then it’s time for the big triplet reveal. Right off the bat it’s clear they are characters from Zach Galifianakis’ early stand up career. I consider that a compliment but take it as you like. Jax and Sandoval pull Schwartz aside and one by one the triplets join them. It’s like a clown car. Schwartz cries. The triplets cry. Sandoval cries. Even I get a little teary. Okay, I’ll admit it. I have a soft spot for Schwartz.
LVP confronts Stassi about the past. Stassi apologizes without any bitchy talking heads. I guess she learned a lesson about biting the hand that feeds you. Then LVP checks in with Scheana about her marriage. Scheana lies her ass off. Shay adds nothing to the conversation because he’s hiding in his cabin. LVP rounds things out by talking to Katie. She lets slip that she hasn’t finished her vows and Lisa is appalled. Schwartz joins them and I suddenly realize he’s going to give his vows in babytalk. Yeah, I’m over Schwartz.
Katie goes HAM on the pinata. Then Jax and Sandoval hump it. Sigh.
The morning of the wedding, the groomsmen (and Ariana) go fishing. Jax complains. He needs to join Stassi and Scheana’s club. Schwartz still hasn’t written his vows. Ariana is worried that he’ll ad lib and we’ll get a bunch of bubba this and bubba that. There’s a reason she’s my favorite.
Since LVP is slumming, she has to iron her own dress. Gasp! She jokes that she hasn’t used an iron since 1986. Katie was born in 1987. Just saying. Ken is so amazed he films the whole thing.
The bridesmaids get their hair and makeup done. Katie is strangely calm. Did she eat an edible? Kristen tries to prove she’s the maid of honor by waiting on Katie hand and foot. The only thing Katie needs is someone to write her vows. Sheesh.
In the boys area, Jax has appointed himself shepherd of the triplets. He asks if they’ve showered. When they say yes, he asks, “Swear to god?” Sandoval gets annoyed. He has a point. It’s pretty obnoxious. They should be more concerned with Schwartz. He figures a dip in the river means he doesn’t need to shower. What he does need to do is write his vows. Seriously?
LVP gets to the wedding site early. She micromanages the setup and brags to Ken about all the decisions she made for Katie. I’ll give her one thing: she came prepared with her speech written out.
And then tragedy strikes: Katie doesn’t fit in her dress. She questions the wisdom of taco Tuesday, wedding Wednesday. But it all works out. The bridesmaids remove some boning and she looks truly lovely.
Katie’s dad cries when he sees her in her dress. Schwartz and Katie’s moms walk the groom down the aisle. Schwartz cries as Katie takes her own trip down the aisle. It’s really happening and I’m starting to get swept up in the glamor of it all. Damn.
Next week: The wedding and reception. LVP asks Katie about having babies. LVP talks to the Toms about opening a bar with her. Sandoval asks Ariana to think about marriage. Scheana finally admits that her marriage is faltering. And the Shays decide to divorce.
LVP hair looked like a poop emoji at the wedding
Oh I just laughed, but I like it up! But anything is better than her usual Annette Funicello in the 80s look.
It was excruciating watching Scheana lie to LVP to such an egregious extent about her relationship with Shay. She really laid it on thick 🙁
The setting, dress, Tom, etc., all looked lovely, but I can’t shake the knowledge these two are 99% dysfunctional and abusive toward each other and this is a train wreck about to happen.
I think the venue is lovely and I love the fact he wedding parties can stay with each other in cabins, it’s so charming. It was so sweet when Schwartz reacted to seeing his brothers, but man, no way would I get married if my father, brothers, sister, basically my entire family, wouldn’t come. I would not be prepared to have that day without all of them. If not for Jax and Tom, he only wouldn’t had his mom there.
I thought I really enjoyed this episode. Then I read this recap and realized I wasn’t paying very close attention. Perhaps that is why I liked it. There seemed to be a whole lot of adulting. We could use more of that.
I would have loved to tube the river in a giant pink flamigo. I used to tube in the Chattahoochee until all those unfortunate dead bodies began to float there. Then, not so much.
I am working on the WWHL episode now and I came here to figure out who Stassi was talking about with her mother than included really gross sexual detail. Lady C kindly left that part out, because EW.
Did Katie and Tom really pay $50,000 out of their own pocket for the wedding? That seemed a whole lot pricey. Is Kentucky just a little overweight or is she pregnant ? Ariana looked fabulous. Katie looked nice but I am so over her , Stassi and Kristen.
No way they paid that. Bravo footed the bill, I’m sure. This was for show. Kentucky just gained weight, she’s not overweight or pregnant, just a lot thicker than she was when she joined the show. I’ve noticed it too.
Bravo pays for everything. Even the triplets airfare because they were storyline. Mama had to get there on her own.
This was one of my all-time favorite episodes of VPR! I found it very joyful. Made me smile and laugh a lot. None of these ratchet Bravo shows do that on the regular. Why the hell are people pressuring those two to have kids already?? I hope they wait years; they are not ready to be parents. Maybe Katie will be less bitchy and abusive toward Tom now that they’re married. One can hope. Thanks much for the recap. BTW, I really enjoyed Jax’s talking head about “more worse.” At least he recognized, for a second, that it didn’t sound right. Then again, I’m an editor by trade, so my humor can be perverse. Carry on.
Every time someone says they are an editor, I feel sorry for them having to read here. It must require much Xanax. Not for Lady C’s recaps of course, but for mine. 🙂 I feel like I should put up a happy pill button for you.
Now what about Tom’s brothers? Can anyone say what it is they do for a living? If Bravo paid for the wedding isn’t it odd that Tom couldn’t pay for their flights? Did they mind being talked to like they were children?
So Lisa hasn’t ironed since her last makeover?
/giggles
I thought Jax was hysterical this episode. He is becoming less of an ass since Kentucky came into his life. I am so team Jax this season. Katie looked beautiful and Schwartz looked hot.
I missed some of the details, so very appreciative of the recap!
I thought Scheana did the right thing in lying to Lisa about everything being ok. Who the fuck goes up to a bridesmaid during the rehearsal dinner and basically asks if your hunch that her marriage is in the shitter is true? Do you want her to break down in the MIDDLE OF WEDDING CELEBRATIONS? Especially when you are the OFFICIANT?
I want that flamingo! Floating cooler is great – the rivers I float down have too many rocks, etc. I don’t think it would make it. But I’ve been known to float with a beer in hand… or stuffed in cleavage when I need both hands.
A pink conmigo in the water makes me with and say to myself isn’t that Divine?
You take the time to hunt and peck out your thoughts and hell check happens. Flamingo.
I liked this episode very much too. I find it entertaining to watch everybody struggling to keep the chaos under control. Katie (thanks to the edible) is the only one to stand calm in the midst of this general effervescence.