“It’s so easy, I’ll show you. You don’t inhale, that’s the whole point. Boys love it.” That’s the opening to this week’s episode of feud where BD is teaching Joan’s twins how to smoke. At least for the ten seconds it takes Joan to show up and put a stop to it.
Joan’s maid, Mamacita is my favorite character on this show. She tries to get Joan to sign a card to send for Christina’s opening night of her play. Joan refuses to sign it in front of the twins but then she sends them to the bathroom and signs it while they are taking the ridiculous bows out of their hair that Joan insisted on.
This week the focus is on the parenting style of the two rivals. Bette offers to take Joan for drinks after filming. Bette’s motive is to make Joan think it was her parenting advice that caused her to get BD hired as the neighbor in the movie. I’m going to skip over the child molestation conversation if you don’t mind.
Joan got her rigid sense of cleanliness and order from being sent to live with the nuns. Bette also went to boarding school. They find a bit of common ground, trade a few hollow compliments, and agree to a détente for now. Joan even asks a Hedda not to run the story she gave her about Bette having B.O.
That truce didn’t last long. At their previous meeting for cocktails and bonding, Bette said that she didn’t care about awards, and that she was going to support the movie even if that meant supporting Joan. Joan took that tidbit to Hedda and told her that Joan wasn’t going up for Best Actress and instead would be in the Supporting Actress category. And the FEUD is back on.
In a scene where Bette has to drag Joan out of danger, Joan continues to break character so that Bette will have to drag her dead weight over and over again. She’s also secretly wearing weights in the scene. There is a great montage of them fucking with each others scenes. In one scene Bette kicks Joan in the head. It was hilarious. Well, unless you are Joan I suppose.
BD can’t act. I have no idea why they don’t replace her. She’s unbearably bad. As it turns out, BD is adopted as well. Another thing she has in common with Joan. She tells Bob to credit BD with her birth name so no one will know she’s her kid.
Bette really likes the fat gay guy, Vince, who is playing against her. He’s very talented and he makes her look good. Plus he worships her. This mother thing is being pounded into the ground. She has a conversation with Vince about her youngest daughter Margo who she also adopted and who is mentally retarded. She’s in a residential school in Maine. BD wants to run her lines again with her mom because her scene shoots the next day, but Bette sends her to bed so she can run lines with Vince.
Joan arrives home to an empty house. The twins are at camp for two days. Thankfully for me, Mamacita is there. Joan confesses to Mamacita the best part of her day is coming home to a noisy house full of kids. Then she cries because her husband left, her kids will all soon be gone, her career is almost over and she will be all alone. Mamacita is not a compassionate ear. She tells her that is how life is, so she better get used to it. Tough indifference seems to work with Joan. Sort of. Mamacita was remarkable in that scene. She’s stealing this series as far as I’m concerned. On another night, Mamacita and Joan share a bed eating sandwiches and watching TV in near silence.
Joan refused a trailer for the beach scene and insisted on being shuttled back and forth to a hotel. She showed up drunk and extremely late. Then she tells Hedda that it was Bette who did that. Scandalous! The scene was the final scene of the movie. After each take, Joan would insist to go back to her room so that Mamacita could tighten up the contraption under her hair that was pulling her face back. So as she dies she sort of ages in reverse.
Joan overhears Bob complimenting Bette on her work and becomes upset.
Hedda drops by to see Bette to try to get her to give her some dirt on Joan. Bette throws Hedda out for trashing BD’s performance. At the door she says “For your information, BD doesn’t run the picture. Her role isn’t important enough to do that!” Unfortunately, as she is saying that BD is walking downstairs and overhears.
Is this so supposed to be so campy? First the mother theme is hammered to death. Then we see Vince giving head to a young guy in a gay club who knows Vince from seeing him on TV. The guy is asking Vince if he thinks he can be a star, and just at a climatic moment, Vince says, “You have loads of potential” as the cops bust in to raid the place. Vince gets arrested and Bette goes to the jail and bails him out and gets him out of trouble.
When Jack sees the final cut of the movie he is really displeased by the final scene where Joan’s character dies. They end up having to reshoot the whole thing on a set and edit it in.
We get a one last mother scene, or I hope it is the last, where Bette is kind to BD who is upset that she didn’t have a great performance on her first big job. “If Crawford couldn’t ruin the picture, no one could.” she tells BD.
Cut to a scene with Joan alone in her big house playing with toys and crying. So she heads to the orphanage to buy a new kid to keep her company. She gets a kick in the heart when the caseworker looks he straight in the face and tell her she is much too old to adopt a kid. Ouch.
Back at Bette’s house we hear her call Margo on the phone. Margo asked her where she is. Apparently, Margo doesn’t like the answer because she gets up and walks away.
The end of the movie is reshot. The women part ways without a goodbye. Apparently, the last line of the movie is, “You mean all this time we could have been friends?” Which was the other theme shoved down our throats this week. These two hated each other because they are so much alike.
This show is crap. But I still feel like I’ll probably watch the last five episodes.
Are y’all still enjoying this series?