We must be nearing the end of the season because the Vanderpump Rules wedding that shouldn’t happen is about to happen. Yipee? After completing their yearly Sur photoshoot (this year’s theme was Mall Glamour Shots), the “kids” are headed to Katie and Tom’s wedding venue. That’s right. They’re taking their disfunction on the road. Again. What kind of destruction are they going to wreck on the woods of Northern California? Hopefully the cleanup won’t require hazmat suits or FEMA. I mean, I love this show. I just don’t want them pissing in my backyard.
At least we start off in LA. Jax visits Sandoval for a raw egg smoothie. It’s the purest form of protein, brah. They’ve decided to fly Schwartz’s triplet brothers out for the wedding as a surprise. Jax lets us know the triplets still share a room in their parents’ home. Apparently Schwartz is the successful brother. And the normal one. Jax suggests they call them daily to ensure they actually make it. This is going to be good.
The bridesmaids (ooh rah rah) are doing final dress fittings. Kristen chugs wine and does the Angelina Jolie leg pose. She’s stoked the dress has a pocket to stash her hooch. Stassi does a talking head about going single AF to the wedding but all I can concentrate on is her horrible makeup. It’s almost as bad as Lala’s from the season four reunion. It’s so bad I almost miss her use of the term AF. Almost.
The boys go to Dylan’s Candy Bar for their yearly Advertising By Bravo (see also Scheana’s wedding, Kathy Wakile’s cannoli event and Bethenny Frankel’s Skinny Girl promo). Jax gets excited about the candy corn. Sandoval tells him he can bang his girlfriend but liking candy corn is over the line.
Scheana turns a conversation about how great Katie and Schwartz’s relationship is now into a humble brag about her own marriage. She informs Katie and Jax that they want kids sooner rather than later. Jax is doubtful. “I think Scheana and Shay have to be in the same room to make a baby.” Me-ow! Scheana goes on to complain about being everyone’s third wheel lately since Shay has been so busy in the studio. But she’s not mad. He’s working on something special for her. “Something special or just avoiding everybody totally?” Jax wonders.
Lisa rides up to Sur on a horse. On her way to work she just happened to run into two people with horses and hopped on. That’s why she loves West Hollywood. There’s always an air of magic and surprise. Sure, I buy that. Scripted magic and planned surprise.
Jax tattles to Lisa that Scheana wants to get pregnant. He’s very concerned. Because if Jax Taylor is known for anything it’s putting other people’s feelings first. He mentions that Shay has been MIA all summer and he doesn’t think he even sleeps at home. And so begins the beginning of the end.
Brittany tells Jax that she told the girls about Schwartz’s brothers coming to the wedding. He loses his mind. His biggest issue is Kristen “She has a bigger mouth than I do.” I recently heard someone refer to Jax as a broken clock. It’s right twice a day. But this season he’s kind of killing it. I don’t know if it’s the “allergies” or a new scriptwriter but either way I’m enjoying it.
James goes to dinner at his girlfriend’s family home in Thousand Oaks. Her sister looks like an extra from Valley Girl. NTTAWWT. He has to admit he got fired from Pump and Sur. Raquel’s mom reassures him that he’s a great guy who treats her daughter like a princess. I wonder what she thinks about him after watching this season.
Stassi helps Katie and Schwartz load up their car for the trip to the wedding venue. She mocks Schwartz for wearing flip flops while he carries the cake. Then he almost drops it. Sigh. Don’t prove Stassi right. That’s all I ask of you.
Ariana is in the Sur alley and she sees a ghost. It’s Lala but since she ghosted everyone pretty hard it fits. She apologizes for disappearing. She knows it’s hard to be friends with her because she shuts people out when she gets upset. The tears work on Ariana but Lisa might not be so forgiving. Lala is there to officially render her resignation after missing two months of shifts. Good luck, girl. Good luck. Lisa is shocked to see her. Lala goes into her “I shut down” spiel but Lisa isn’t having it. Lisa calls her disrespectful and dishonest. Lala is stunned. But she suffers from anxiety! And she’s crying! She grabs one of Lisa’s cloth napkins to dab her dripping eye makeup. Lala is clearly not the most self aware person. Lisa muses that her entire strategy is to be young and pretty but that doesn’t last. And that’s the last word on Lala.
When Katie and Tom get to the wedding venue the owner goes over the prices. Schwartz freaks when he hears $51k. They decide to drink their cares away.
And then it’s the day before the wedding. Kristen, Carter, Stassi and superfluous Rachael make the soon-to-be-weds breakfast. On top of thinking that his brothers won’t be at the wedding, Schwartz’s dad has a crippling fear of flying so he’s not coming and his sister couldn’t get off work. I’d be a little concerned if my family couldn’t make it to my wedding. Do you think they’re sending him a message?
As they pack, Jax tells Brittany he’s worried Schwartz’s brothers will miss their flight. They’re not very good at accomplishing even the smallest of tasks. Across town, Scheana tries to make plans with Shay but he is totally checked out of his marriage. He can’t even pretend for the cameras. Well, that escalated quickly.
Lisa Vanderpump, Ken, Pandora and random dogs fly private to the venue. They check into the “ritzy” place down the road and Lisa chuckles about woodsy elegance. I’d love to see her face if she was staying at Katie and Tom’s cabin. Giggy, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Beverly Hills anymore. We get a clip of her palatial room in Dubai to underscore how much she’s slumming it. Ken points out all of the times Schwartz has bailed (LVP Sangria, bartending at Pump) and wonders if the wedding will actually happen. Lisa happily tut tuts. She likes when he says what they’re really thinking and she gets to play good cop.
The rest of the gang shows up. Well, everyone but Sandoval. He forgot his suit and refused to get on the plane without it. Hopefully he makes it to the wedding, or, more importantly to Schwartz, the tubing excursion he planned. Priorities. Jax starts freaking out. Surprisingly, after all the foreshadowing, Schwartz’s brothers missed their flight. Jax’s head is about to explode. It’s a big disappointment, especially to someone with so many “allergies.”
Next week: Katie and Schwartz take their friends tubing down the river. Katie decimates her pinata. Jax chugs Fireball straight from the bottle at the rehearsal dinner. The triplets finally arrive. Jax tells Schwartz it’s his last chance to run. Katie can’t fit in her wedding dress. And then the wedding we’ve all been dreading happens. Mazel tov!