Vanderpump Rules: Regrets Only

By The Lady Cocotte

After three episodes in New Orleans, Vanderpump Rules is finally coming home. Did the LA bars notice a sharp drop in alcohol sales? Were local spray tan salons shuttered due to lack of customers? Did the air in Southern California feel just a little less vapid? Well, all of that is over now. Sur is fully staffed once again. Now we get to focus on The Wedding, The Photoshoot and, most importantly, The Drama. Always The Drama.

Lisa is happy to have her “kids” back. And quite proud that Jax survived the trip without getting arrested. She’s not so happy to hear that Katie and Schwartz fought the whole time. She decides she needs to offer counsel. She starts off giving Katie some assistant work for the upcoming Sur photoshoot. The theme this year is Indulgence. Or, as she captions it, “Salivatingly Salacious.” It kills me that LVP is one of those people that uses big words to sound smart. You’re better than that, Lisa! When she confronts Katie about the stories she’s heard, Katie claims Schwartz was the problem. Katie refusing to take responsibility? Quelle surprise! They’re getting married in two weeks and can’t even get along on vacation. Katie and Tom may have decided to ignore their issues but Lisa is worried.

Stassi and Kristen go to lunch with their little dogs in tow. They work on Stassi’s online dating profile. I just don’t care about this “Stassi dating” storyline. I just don’t.

Katie and Schwartz visit Villa Rosa. It should come as no surprise that Schwartz is scared of Lisa’s swans (wussy pussy). They’re filling Lisa in on the details of their wedding plans when there’s a knock on her door. A valet in formal wear reads a flowery letter asking Lisa to officiate their wedding. Katie and Schwartz are super proud of themselves. They expect her to jump at the offer (it’s in the script, after all) but she has reservations. She explains that she takes marriage very seriously and from what she’s seen and heard, they have big issues. Katie cries. She doesn’t want to deal with reality. When does she get to have fun? Lisa tells them that she can’t say yes until she’s sure they’re fully committed to each other. They have two weeks. Just saying.

The whole gang heads to the beach. Katie and Schwartz tell them that Lisa turned down their request to officiate. Everyone is shocked. But it’s in the script! Katie calls it a rock bottom. It’s a deep moment but I’m too distracted by Katie’s terrible hair. She should really call Sandoval’s braid guy. Sandoval points out that LVP just said what everyone else is thinking: this marriage is a nightmare. You think? The lovebirds take a moment alone and Schwartz suggests they stop being assholes. Solid plan there, Tom.

Ariana meets Lisa at the horse stables. Her horse has a bedazzled bridal and she’s wearing an oversized helmet. Ariana calls it chic af. She’s rivaling Schwartz in her Lisa love. They talk about the officiating issue. Ariana thinks Katie is making strides but Lisa isn’t ready to say yes yet.

The boys meet at Jax’s apartment for a spray tan. Sandoval is in his element but Jax is turned off. He decides he doesn’t want to look like an Oompa Loompa. While Peter is getting sprayed, Jax Sandoval and Schwartz pretend to jack off. These guys think they’re a lot funnier than they are. And since we’re kind of on the topic, what happened to Peter? He’s so swollen it looks painful. That kind of change in one year can’t be natural, right? Yikes. Schwartz, still in his spray tan bonnet, wonders aloud what he’s going to do if Lisa won’t officiate the wedding. Jax offers to do it, Schwartz compares that to having Lucifer baptise you. It’s just not right.

Stassi goes on a blind date. He seems like a nice guy so it’s pretty awkward.

Schwartz and Katie spend time together. They organize props for the photoshoot. They eat takeout. Katie tells us she’s completely forgiven Tom. And all it took was an ultimatum from LVP. Well, I’m sold. This wedding should definitely move forward!

It’s finally time for the Sur photoshoot. I have to say, it looks pretty tacky. Fake fruit and a big roast pig. Did Beyoncé’s photographer shoot it? Since Kristen and Stassi aren’t included, they get filmed out to lunch. Scheana sends them a photo of the pig so they can snicker at the ridiculousness. Lisa’s bump-it is totally out of control. She looks like a retired show dog. I really wish she’d get a new stylist. Scheana and Katie sneak away for a quick cry. Scheana feels left out. Again. As the Wedding By Bravo nears, she really needs to secure her position. Katie is just happy to have her butt kissed. They hug it out. Back at the shoot, Sandoval and Ariana pose naked in a pile of food and flowers. Yeah. Then Sandoval gives us an how-to on hiding your boner during a photoshoot. Sigh. The final shot looks a lot like the Last Supper. Does someone fancy herself a Jesus? The crown is mighty heavy afterall.

Lisa calls Katie and Schwartz into Pump for a serious conversation. They tell her how much their relationship has evolved in the past week. They kiss each other goodbye. They look into each other’s eyes. They wait with bated breath to hear if it’s enough to get Lisa to officiate. I know you’re not expecting this but she says… Yes!

Next week: Lala returns to Sur. Stassi does her own photoshoot. James has to tell his girlfriend’s parents that he doesn’t work at Sur anymore. Jax and Sandoval convince Schwartz’s brothers to surprise him by coming to the wedding. Everyone heads to the wedding venue. Jax blows a gasket when Schwartz’s brothers miss their flight.