It’s time for a brand new season of Catfish and I am so glad it is coming on when I have time to recap it live. These shows reair on MTV for years, over and over during the wee hours of every night. It’s great for bringing in new readers!
The Victim? Or The Actual Catfish
Shawny is from Rochester New York and she thinks she is being catfished. This is a new one on me. While most of these things start online on social media or a dating site, this one started with a phone call from an unknown number. Shawny texted the number asking if she knew the caller. The caller replied with something like, “Probably not but we can fix that.” Seriously? How desperate does one have to be to start a flirtation with a wrong number?
So the boys call Shawny and as usual ask to video chat. She says she can do that because she is at her friends but her phone doesn’t have a camera. Look. I hate cameras. I hate phones. I hate phones with cameras. Yet when I have had a phone in the past they have all had cameras. I don’t believe a word this Shawny girl is saying already. Not about how she met Jack through a wrong number or about her not having a way to video chat. Bitch is lying already. Are we sure she is not the one doing the catfishing?
I am trying to figure out how old this mother of three is. She also says she sells makeup and lotions and soaps and stuff for a living. Like Amway? I am telling y’all this is shady.
The Mystery Suspect
Jack lives in Rochester as well and yet they still have not even spoken on the phone they only text. I mean, come on. If I wasn’t already recapping this, I’d be out. I know there is a LOT of fakery involved in this show but I really need something a tiny bit believable. She says Jack works a lot. She is in love. Lately, Jack only texts at night.
On past seasons, I began to notice that everyone on these shows has a new sofa to film on. If this is the one Shawny picked out, it is an odd choice for someone with three kids. It’s very light in color. Perhaps her kids are teenagers. The walls are sea foam green. This is the wall color I will be looking for in the homes on all the future episodes this season. Last season the wall colors were a mysterious pumpkin shade if I recall correctly. This is the most interesting part of the series for me. I love how they stage the set and make them all so similar. Because I am weird.
Shawny is married but getting a divorce. Shawny mentions some other old dude that she also met on the phone. Sigh. Shawny shares her tiny phone with the guys so they could read all the flirtatious texts. Shawny says if Jack turns out to be a Jill, she could accommodate that. She just wants the person behind the text messages. So, it’s like she knows that she’s chatting with a female.
The Internet Search A Ten Year Old Could Do
It’s time for the boys to do their deep dive PI stuff. AKA Googling stuff on the Internet. The guys find a woman named Angel connected to the phone number. Max, finally says what I have been saying all along. Shawny was super open to her love being female. He thinks Shawny is full of shit. Thank you, Max. It’s all rather obvious to me. Max even recalls the same show I did where two lesbians lied to the show because they could not afford to fly out and meet each other. Max wants to hold Shawny’s feet to the fire a little bit.
The boys head back over to Shawny’s. Max tries to get her confess. She stonewalls. I still think she is lying. When the guys tell her about the woman, Angel, Shawny says that her husband used to work with a girl named Angel, but she has never met her and does not recognize the photo. There is another suspect, an elderly man she used to talk to on the phone a lot. She can’t really even remember his name. Shawny makes no sense to me. But Max is back to believing she is telling the truth. Oh Max, you are supposed to be the smart one.
Two days in and Angel has not returned Nev’s email. Finally, they just call “Jack’s” phone number. It’s clearly a burner phone and there is no voice mail set up. So they text instead. Jack says he wants to meet Shawny but he is afraid because he has not been completely honest. He’s divorced. Shawny is the only woman in his life.
The Requisite Park Meetup By A Large Body of Water
On the way over to meet Jack, Shawny confesses that she used another girl’s photos when she texted with Jack. BAM! Who is the catfish now!?
In a strange twist, we don’t get the gay chick, or the old man, we get Shawny’s future ex husband, Jack. The Jack from the photos. He was expecting the woman in the photos. Shawny was apparently catfishing Jack all of these months so that they could be on the show. I am sure that Jack was in on this too. These two fools just wanted to be on TV looking foolish.
He says that Shawny is not the girl’s name. It’s Ebony. Still, how would Jack not know he was texting his wife’s phone? Oh and Jack’s name is not really Jack. It’s Brandon. It seems Ebony got a new phone and called Brandon. He didn’t answer the phone, but he texted back asking who called him and identified himself as Jack. Really? How would Ebony know Jack’s burner phone number? This supposedly started when they were in the same house living together. None of this is believable still.
Ebony says she just wanted some help trying to get her family back together. So now Nev and Max are doing some individual marital therapy. Max has Ebony. Nev has Brandon. They agree to talk tomorrow. Brandon gets on his bicycle and pedals away.
The next day they meet up and Ebony seems to have realized that Brandon is a big ole horndog that is not worth her time. Brandon says he has a lot to work on, like keeping his dick in his pants. But hey, they got to be on TV!
Most importantly, I think Max learned to listen to me when I am SCREAMING at him through my TV not to believe the girl. I’m not even sure I believe they are married. She is a lot more educated than he is. They don’t seem like a match at all and he is not a catch by any stretch of the imagination. He prolly stole that bike just to get to the park.
The 6 Month Check In
Ebony and Brandon are on good terms now. He is magically with Ebony when they just happened to call. Imagine that. Brandon has become better at his job cooking burgers at the Waffle House, and they all got a new free sofa!
I just love a happy ending.